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Author Topic: I fucked up. BAD.  (Read 4134 times)

Offline pink_reaper (OP)

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I fucked up. BAD.
« on: January 27, 2018, 04:13:19 PM »
Honestly sitting here in shock. I had 7 months clean from meth being on suboxone and I blew it all tonight. I feel like the biggest fucking failure on earth. I'm SO CLOSE to getting my life back, my KIDS back, and this. It's absolutely gutting me. I know I have no choice but move forward and put this behind me but fuckkkk. Sad part is I just knew a relapse was coming, talked to family and friends about it and STILL DID IT ANYWAY. Its like outta nowhere to desire was so fucking strong I couldn't resist it. I guess my biggest fear is I *wont* put it behind me and that craving it will become a huge problem again since I "clearly remember" the high. Scares the fuck out of me.

Offline Thoms

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Re: I fucked up. BAD.
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2018, 04:24:05 PM »
You are fine and this will pass. Slip ups happen, we try to check out what triggered us. Sometimes it isn’t shit. Our mind just keeps caked us in the gut. That shit happens no doubt. You did not throw away your clean time. You still have the seven months you were clean. That shit didn’t go anywhere. Out of 250 days of not using you got one or two that you used. It is easy to get really down on ourselves for a slip but it will happen.  You got this. We wouldn’t be addicts if we didn’t have problems letting go of our chemical friends. Don’t beat yourself up.
Fear and self loathing in thoms.

Offline Chip

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Re: I fucked up. BAD.
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2018, 05:39:41 PM »
Thoms is 100% correct and IF you were not upset at all then that would be a different story.

Relapses happen to everybody.

I can't do sobriety for long. I'm no longer interested in opiates because i simply wore it out. I also prefer stims now anyway.

Don't get mad, don't get sad. It's all OK.

Forget about it and think of all your good work. Think of it as therapeutic ... sometimes you have scratch an itch but that doesn't mean thst you will break out with a prolonged case of the hives.

Remember your priorities and think of it as a short holiday. You have too much to lose, right ?
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Re: I fucked up. BAD.
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2018, 06:01:36 AM »
Hold onto this feeling and use it to remind yourself what you want the next time you feel a relapse coming.

We all fuck up.  Its just being human.  It's what you do after the fuck up that defines you, that becomes who you are.

You'll get your kids back. I couldn't imagine having that happen.  It would be the biggest motivation for me. Hang in there and I'm sure you can turn it all around

Offline LadyKalma

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Re: I fucked up. BAD.
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2018, 09:01:30 AM »
Hey, i remember you. And 7 months is a long time, as they say. Congrats! Even if you used yesterday, today, all week even, it doesn't make what you learned about yourself and life clean go away. Thats one of the things that pisses me off at na. They act like that clean time number is all important.

What is important is your intentions. If you want to stay in treatment, work to get kids back, improve your situation, then you're doing better than at a point when you feel too hopeless or overwhelmed to care.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're a failure or a bad person. Plus, theres more to recovery and harm reduction than not using drugs ever. You have made strides in dealing with life without drugs or else you wouldn't have got 7 months.

I've been in a difficult and depressing situation myself for the last year or so, so i haven't been around much, but if you ever need to talk to a neutral party, someone you don't know in real life, feel free to message me.

Your kids sound lucky to have a mom who cares about what happens to them.

Offline DriveFast

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Re: I fucked up. BAD.
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2018, 05:34:12 PM »
Don't dwell on it too much. The self loathing sounds strong in you tonight. That's a dangerous place to be. Figure out what tipped you over, what made you use. Staying clean is tough but life is tougher without your kids. Slip ups happen, man. When I'm craving, I try to stay busy. Anything that keeps you thinking. They will pass.

You're obviously doing something good to have such a stretch of clean time. Keep it up.

Offline dizzle

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Re: I fucked up. BAD.
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2018, 12:19:10 AM »
damn don't beat yourself up.......

does anyone know? If not, don't tell a soul that will judge you for it. Sure if you do the AA/NA thing go ahead and tell your sponser or the group, but don't go telling your family. They'll just judge you.

I learned a long time ago not to feel bad about lying to them, see what they FINALLY FUCKING understood was I had to learn to be honest with them and they had to learn NOT TO REACT NEGATIVELY and blow my fucking life up if I WAS honest...

Think about it for a moment. They say shit like "just be honest, tell me when you feel like using I'll help you. You can tell me if you get high, it's OK I just want you to get better"

Then you tell them "I want to get high" they freak out on you and act like your a failure or weak or whatever.

Then you tell them "I got high last night/day/week"

they kick you out of the house, take your kids away, and you get divorced

............aaaaaaaaand had you NOT told them none of that would've happened.

see they don't get it that when you're honest and get fucking destroyed for it, you learn VERY FUCKING QUICKLY to lie. They taught you that, you didn't come up with it on your own.

fucking bullshit "tough love", I call that shit emotional abuse nowadays.

Offline Raine

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Re: I fucked up. BAD.
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2018, 02:49:02 AM »
Hey-  please please try not to pile on the self-loathing because sometimes us addicts turn that into more addict fuel, heh.  For me it was and is a viscious cycle of "make mistakes, hate the mistake but hate myself harder, repeat on larger and larger scale."

You fucked up? Ok well learn from it and put it behind you because 7 months is something to be proud of and you can still be moving forward if you choose to be.
It sounds like you have good things on the horizon and you deserve them.
You deserve happiness....and if this is how using makes you feel then this isn't where your happiness lays.

Look at it as a stumble instead of a fall, without minimizing it enough to give yourself permission to do more or maximizing it enough to make it the beginning of the end.

Girl, you GOT this. You can do it. You will be ok.
And if you don't feel ok you can hit us up here or message any of the folk you feel comfortable talking to.


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