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Author Topic: I'm the master of my vein-I'm the captain of my brain-addicted to mania episodes  (Read 3396 times)

Offline nikita70 (OP)

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Hello everyone,

I did notice that over time my life gets more and more entangled into permanent maniac-depression cycles, and they are both (mania as well as depressive episodes) somehow "thematically ordered/oriented" and in many ways monothematic, so to say.

I mean every time I'm catching hots for some particular issue, I'm exploring and exploiting the stuff ad nauseam, being completely lost for the rest of the world, until the buzz is finally going to burn out/breaks off somehow natural/intrinsically.

Never ever have been diagnosed for bipolar, though, so the symptoms I do experience might be as well some drug abusing' induced interferences...

On the other hand, I do really relish my manic episodes and wish they never put an end, the price is so outrageous high, though-after about a week or so of such a "mental seclusion" I used to emerge from my "cave"
(well, last time Nick Cave has been the mainthread and UnHoly Patron Saint of my mania, indeed, haha
just go check this post,993.msg41635.html#msg41635)
like a zombie, exhausted, devastated, completely messed up, with a very vivid and oh-so-vile sense of emptyness, physical and psychological desolation and loss.

I'm like "wtf, where my rapture is gone? Just yesterday I wanted to put the world upside down, my head was about to explode due to an excess of different ideas, witty quotes, bonmottes, images, the "processor" I have built in my brain was as quickly so I barely was able to follow it, as today I do really feel like some demented, retarded individual, inable to express my simplest thoughts decently, let alone all that "creativity". Well, easy come-easy go...

This shit meets all criteria for severe addiction, what anybody who has to do with bipolar disease probably knows.
I don't even need stims to bring myself to it since "I have my own dealer inside of me", the point is "he" is moody and inpredictable as fuck.
I can't just "evoke" him like that, I have learned few tricks, though, that significantly improve my mood-manipulation abilities....

As I said before, I do like tension and unusual intensity this state of mind provides me with, so I used to avoid/evade to undergo any medical treatment, since I don't want to be "robbed" of/deprived on my buzz by some shitty mood stabilizers...
I'm aware I'm playing with fire leaving such a serious disease untreaten, plus, I noticed my life to be significantly impaired due to my oddly "practices", but I apparently got addicted to it, so you know...

I'm a master of my vein, I'm a captain of my brain... >:D

I did notice very slightly, systhematically improving of benzo' intake over several days (not to confuse with the single episode of the binge and it's paradoxical effect-from talking incredible craps, petty thefts-chocolate' bars or so to finally end up floping  ;D) with symultanously methadone' taper, to such an extent that puts me into very mild w/d, barely perceptive/noticeable plus moderately sleep' deprivation could make me more receptive and prepare the ground for some delightful maniac episode.
The additional stimulation like some inspiring read or movie, or just image is very required and highly recommend.

Unfortunately, it rarely works, since the Realm of Mania is pretty independent and whimsy, it's akin to possibly arrange one's psychedelic trip or so before it even starts.

Does anyone have some similiar experiences?
Well, I had good times as I started this game, but over time it gets less and less fun, really debilitating and tiresome.
I don't trust this psych meds, I'm afraid they are going to ruin my sensivity, make my senses dull and turn me into some demented creature. 

« Last Edit: September 10, 2017, 10:08:46 PM by nikita70 »
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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre


Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)


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