I'm a mess-please anyone help me

[nikita70 (OP)]

Sorry for looks I am ALWAYS such a selfish, selfconcentrated, exalted, ignorant, stupid slut
but I do really I mean REALLY need some help/support or maybe advice from you guys

I'm 12th day off  the ' done, it seemed me I'm in position to make it, as I started it
still, today I'm done completely.
It's day 12th since I'm in a constant, ongoing, so to say, sleep deprivation,
plus
my Family pissed me off, and left me in my flat completely alone in such a state of mind,
excepting the cat I have to cere on and all
I'm overloaded with different pills and bupe but it doesn't work
I have no idea what the fuck happens to me
Just a bit of a real I mean real sleep not this letargy would help a lot and
turn all 180 degree
I don't suffering from any other symptoms
just seems me I'm getting insane, paranoid
forgetting words,
feeling dizzy.

My methadone is standing right next to me, at my fingertips,
I could end it up
and within one hour or maybe less I'd be like a newborn

I'm not sure about reasons
(excepting I was kinda forced to do it,
however, it wasn't
the matter of life and death then but just my dignity)
but
if it has already gone so far
I don't want to fuck it up

it is like a fight
starts as for some higher values or so
and always ends up as just survive

if I only were able to get some sleep
I'd be more than happy
12 days is definitely too long to me
I know some of you guys must have been going
through way way worse w/d
REAL, full blown cold turkey w/ds, as it's just insomnia.
JUST.

insomnia was always something what scares shit outta me
I hardly tolerate this kind of deprivation
plus this loneliness...

Sorry for being so exalted and emotionally
but hell
you've been there more (and probably "stronger")
then I whenever been (or I am)

This bupe works like a speed or so to me
there's not any place for RELIEF in it

I'm so much afraid I'm going to die here alone
or got irreversible insane
even if w/d, especially bupe assisted w/d isn't lifethreatened


Sorry again.

[Chip]

nikita, can you find or get prescribed a HIGH DOSE of Seroquel (quetiapine) or another anti-psychotic and some Valium ?

i am surprised to hear you are on the bupe and you are still not getting any sleep.

I'd recommend that you leave the 'done alone and it may be wasted anyhow due to the bupe.

do you plan to come off the bupe too ?

[DeadCat]

nikita, can you find or get prescribed a HIGH DOSE of Seroquel (quetiapine) or another anti-psychotic and some Valium ?

i am surprised to hear you are on the bupe and you are still not getting any sleep.

I'd recommend that you leave the 'done alone and it may be wasted anyhow due to the bupe.

do you plan to come off the bupe too ?

Agree. Don't waste the methodone if you have any bupe in your system. I don't know if you already told us or not but HOW MUCH bupe are you taking? Bupe just postpones full blown w/d and while you use it you may be "sober" but not really "clean."

[Zoops]

Sleep is not likely to happen naturally for a while yet. You need some pharmaceutical assistance in that department. Seroquel (quetiapine) is good, with some Rivotril (clonazepam) or just plain Rivotril - can you get that in Poland? What benzos do they have there? Get some!

Or maybe some Zyprexa or some other antipsychotic medication. Get something, but don't drink for sleep, you'll just feel miserable.

Are you drinking?

I hope you can get some sleep somehow.

- Zoops

[dizzle]

Man if I were you I'd be dosing TINY methadone doses, idk what done you have but if it's liquid you should know the concentration, if so, I'd be dosing like .5-1 mg doses every two or three hours until I got refielf. Then I'd wait as long as I could and then do it again. Rinse repeat.


I'd make myself a schedule and not force myself to take a certain amount a day, but instead wait until I felt terrible and take the a silt smallest amount I could tolerate, then every week drop that tiny dose by 50%, by the end I'd be dosing microgram doses, on that schedule set ur maximum dose per day, I mean u can take less if u get relief but not more, base it on the amount it takes u to get well on the first dose. That's what I'd do.


I don't advise people to take drugs when they're in legal situations, but as far as I know you just do t want to be on done anymore? Right? Becaus an issue with your clinic and the benzos u are on?

Anyway, what dose did u jump at? I think often ppl jump too high and then go through hell, u can bypass hell, but you have to be disciplined. As you have learned the hard way buprenorphine is not the magic bullet it is touted as.


Remember no one here thinks u are a self-centered egotistical whatever u called yourself, I for one enjoy your presence and I hope something I said helps. Even if it's just keeping ur mind off the hell u are feeling for 5 mins....

Dizzle

[Dopeless Hopefiend]

Oh nikita, I'm so sorry you're still having such a hard time. I've been off the done for 3 weeks tomorrow, with 15 or 16 days of  bupe. I have definitely noticed that my sleep isn't  great, but I am sleeping every night with the help of lorazepam and weed. Do you have access to some weed and any benzos? Also, how much bupe are you taking? I'm taking 16mg a day, which a pretty big dose I guess. Maybe that's why I'm feeling ok for the most part. How much bupe do you have? Can you up your dose at all?

[LadyKalma]

I feel like i owe you one as far as sympathy when sick, because you and your writing has taken me out of more than one dark place when I've been too sick to want to live. I went through a horrible shit-uation two months ago involving me in cold turkey withdrawl along with my husband for 5 days. The internet, showers, and laying in front of the fan are the only things that gave me a moments peace. If I had any benzos those would have helped as well, so as others said get you some if you can.

If it makes you feel better, this may sound really stupid, but when I'm on the verge of panic  and crazy times I try to calm myself. I focus on my heart pounding and envisoin the blood going through  my body from it. Then I envision it as healing. The healing liquid flows through me. The liquid courses fast through me as my heart pounds as quick as it can, but that's ok, because remember we are trying to lie to ourselves here. It's healing. It is the bringer of life. Focus on just breathing and your heart. Theres no way you can ignore how your body feels at this time anyway, so you may as well rephrase it to yourself as something nice.
After you are in a state where you have made yourself be still and focus only on breathing and your heart, you can start visualizing the stuff that may be more personal to you, like what you want to use the good energy or healing energy to. Visualize people from this board  or your real life who are going through hard times, feel your heart pounding your life energy throughout your body, which is part of the universe. The healing energy spreading out through the world, to others who need it. You are part of something good. You are valuable. You just made someone else have a better day.
Keep doing this as long as you can and you just might fall asleep if you are only kind of sick. If you are full on sick, you will at least be able to make some of the time go by in this way.

Another thing that actually helps is the brain wave generator apps or websites. They have different frequencys that are for sleep, relaxation, focus, sex, whatever mood you want to put yourself in. If you put in headphones and listen to some delta waves or whatever sleeping waves the generator has, those suprisingly work. The science behind the brain wave generators may be legit or not, I have no idea, but I have had luck with using them for calm and sleep.

The meditation thing with envisioning your healing life force coming from your heart and flowing to those in the world who may need you is kind of corny but seriously try it. We are all part of the universe and are connected through it, you might as well add more positivity and love to it, and be more open and able to recieve those good things when you take some time to try to make your mind and body still at the same time.

good luck. You are the best. i know we haven't talked ever yet but I really do admire you somehow from what I do know of you from opiophile. Feel free to message me if you want another girl in a similar life to talk to.

[Z]

I've read studies suggesting that large doses of melatonin (100mg+) works great for getting some sleep in acute withdrawal.  I'm not a fan of atypical anti-psychs as sleep aids.  When I'm sick they don't help me sleep, but make me feel worse instead.

I thought 12 days would be long enough for bupe to work.  Maybe you need a higher dose?

[nikita70 (OP)]

Thanks guys, with all my heart,

This night I was able to get some sleep, thankfully. It is like a Godsend .

I realize my post was so much impetuous, confused and pretty much hysterical, so, just to clarify things,

@chipper, @Zoops  @DeadCat

Formally, I was on 25mgs as I left the MMT for my own wish, still, whole this last Winter and Spring I used to buy extras and tipping.
My dose was as unstable so I can't even tell exactly how big habit I had/have developed.
Plus, to shed some light on it, I used to drink the sirup even 5 times a day, as a remedy not for strictly w/d but my personal issues.
 
And, what might be crucial here, I developed a "custom" to take a sip before I went to bed, not being able to fall asleep (I mean a full blown sleep). 
I think it's way more complexed and involves more factors than just switching.

Guys, I AM on benzos right now (Clonazepam 2mg, Estazolam 2mg), but since I'm addicted to them at least as strong as to opies (or even more), they just doesn't help, they only prevent me from another one w/d, 
as for a sleep deprivation they're completely useless to me , no matter the dose is, I may as well eating vitamines,
what I fully realize, so I'm doing my best at least not to increase the dose and only increase my benzo  habit, which is bad enough just now.
Maybe not somehow enormous huge but...they are just kinda indispensable "foundation/groundwork" I need and I don't even notice them to be working, if you get my confused drift.

I'm anindulging myself anyway, adding to my MENU midazolam 15mg/night,
plus
to makes matters worse
phenobarbital 200mg/night
what is another kettle of fish

Barbiturates are the last one sort of habit I'd "like" (huh), so to say, to develope...
I have an impression they just "cancel/delete my brain/mind", so to say, maybe evem more than benzos. 
I'm afraid what happens when the time will come to withdraw those "extra menu items", lol. (midazolam and phenobarbital)

As for today, I attempt to focus myself on to just make it and make myself capable  to "survive"/to go through this shit until things getting more stable without getting/putting myself forward??? (mentally) too far.

Especially as far as to consider ANY crucial I mean CRUCIAL matters.

Chosing/considering between prospective so called "sobriety" and "getting completely clean" is beyond of my range at at this moment, @DeadCat .
Things are way way too much fleety and unstable to me right now to undertake/make any significant decisions.
It isn't subject to ANY pattern and schedule, so to say at this moment.

@dizzle

Hey buddy,
The solution you mentioned about isn't unfamiliar to me, too.
And not as kinda "anindulge" or "excuse"/pretext to relapse, by no means, but as a part of "fair" game/fight, which isn't going to be lost (if you get me).
However, it is an ultimate solution, which, honestly, I'd rather prefer not to take into account, really.
This is what happened to my bf in the joint, as they put him straight from the jailhose hospital' detox (where he was given surprisingly,
I even think reckressly HUGE amounts of whatever he wanted, considering the circumstances, I mean) into a "regular" bunk/cell (I don't know how it calls in English),
and cut off of whole this "supplies" of benzos, tramadol etc. within just few days, as I believe.

He reported not to get ANY sleep at all for about one month long, just laying on the bunk, in clothes, like a zombie,
until they put some new inmate who has sneaked 1 clonazepam and 1 estazolam for his buddy inside.

The other inmates let the new guy give the pills to my bf immediately, as they were fed up of doing their time with a living dead. 
He was strung out on benzos before we got caught, so it must have been a living hell, as I can figure.

Still, this pills he was given made kinda breakpoint, or how it calls.
The single benzo' episode, so to say, helped him to slowly regain strenght and relatively good shape.

Therefore I know it might be underestimate in some extremely positions.

Thanks so much for advice and your kindest words, @dizzle .

@LadyKalma , @Dopeless Hopefiend ,

Thank you so so much, girls,

well, formally I'm on about... 2.5 mg of bupe, but my doc suggests not to restrict and restrain myself in gathering pills, since I'm in such a poor shape, feeling so bad and uncomfortable on them, until things getting stabilized to me.

I'm basically finding myself to need really modest dose to prevent the w/d as itself (this bupe doesn't work as a soporific at all, even on the contrary, as if there were some stimulant component "built in", what I appreciate as a potentiator of some cognitive abilities or so, but for a sleep it's completely in vain).

@LadyKalma ,

I'm not too much familiar with what you are talking about (I mean I exactly know the theory, but when goes right down to practice, I am kinda obstinate.
I mean I'm with those who aren't able to anindulge themselves at all, I know that might be soothing and calming to me, still it's always hard to me to bring myself to things like meditation etc.
I am a workaholic, to make matters worse.
I think, it's what brought me to the dope, an "instant calming down/relief"...

However, since I had to face with all this shit alone, something has been changed.
I'm just trying to make it, so it kinda forces some primordial, intuitional behaviours which promote surviving or how it call.
I'm pretty spoiled, so this is sort of extremity to me.
I attempt to care on myself. Finding myself doing things I'd never do if comfortable.
Intuitionally. Listening to my "higher self".

Keep walking through the park, what I honestly didn't enjoy never ever before.

Breathe... I know it helps, since it happened to me (intuitionally again) to just synchronize it with my heart-rhytm, mutely saying OM-mantra, as I couldn't fall asleep.
Also, once I found myself being intrigued and wanting to learn more about those "piece of sound" (or how it calls in English, I forgot it) having this or that frequency, which kinda enter you in a desirable state of mind or so, but of course gave it up.

I can only guess about your "alter ego" on Opio  .... glad to be sure if I'm right in it or maybe wrong  .
I recognize some traits, but  still not sure enough.

THanks A LOT all of you, guys.
Did I ever say you're underestimate? Yesss, I guess. Thosands times.

Time to put fingers out of the keyboard (just for a while  , this is another one addiction) and try to occupy myself with something... more tangible?
         
 @Z
Thank you, Z. 
But I'm afraid melatonin is inavailable here, at least like "right now".
As for increasing the dose, it's in vain to me, it just doesn't work to me this way. I can feel I have pretty much enough bupe in my system, maybe even too much, this is more mentally and benzo' issue, than anything else, so far I'm having an insight into what happens to me.
I'm not in an "acute w/d", this is JUST insomnia, depression and paranoia.

Thank you very much anyway     


   

 

[MoeMentim]

Nikita, I hope you start feeling better soon.  It seems to me that 2.5mg bupe is very small to start off with.  That's what I'd try to taper down to after starting on as much as 16mg or even 24 if needed.  I was always coming off h though, never methadone.  Although you were on a pretty low dose of done I wonder if you need more bupe due to methadone's long half life & higher binding affinity than most other opiates.

[Dopeless Hopefiend]

That's what I thought too @MoeMentim. I transitioned off of 30mg of methadone and needed a higher dose to feel ok.

[Zoops]

I can mailing you some melatonin to you in the post, Nikita, if you are wish me to so do that for you.

Somehow, even though it's not that strong as a sleep aid, it help me IMMENSELY for that time when I wish to turn off my ever-tornadoing mind from spinning and whirls around, when I was in detoxing for alcohol. Three of the tablets, I think were 3mg each, so a total of 9mg, was what they gaved to help the patients to sleeping.

I remember I take the pill(s) - so what they were - so bluntly for giveing from the  nursing's station, and like "whammo" it hit me like tons of brick. I fall sleep fast.

My treat. You don't pay the monies to me for favor of doing. The cost is practical nothing here in USA for a melatonin. Cheap to buy in any drugstore/pharmacy - event the store where food is buying for hungry people!

So, if you wish me to performing this favor for your illustrious ladyship, then do not hold back any single one thing let me know about it!

- Zoops (who is always being the friend to you my fine Polish lady)

...and now, in Polish, for your increased understandingness:

Mogę wysłać Ci trochę melatoniny w mail, jeśli chcesz spróbować.

To nie jest kosztowne tutaj w Stanach Zjednoczonych, a opłata przewozowa nie będzie zbyt dużo, jak również.

Mój prezent dla ciebie.

Kiedy byłem w detoksykacji alkoholu w marcu 2015 roku, trzy z tych pigułek mnie iść szybko spać! Myślę, że trzeba spróbować.

[MoeMentim]

@Zoops - that's fucking hilarious!  You know, my dumb ass never even considered that Nikita types in Polish & uses translation.  I still want to assume the endearingly broken english is her own, it's just too adorable not to keep the idea alive. 

[nikita70 (OP)]

@Zoops - that's fucking hilarious!  You know, my dumb ass never even considered that Nikita types in Polish & uses translation.  I still want to assume the endearingly broken english is her own, it's just too adorable not to keep the idea alive. 

Hey, sure it's MY OWN English, @MoeMentim , I could swear for whatever you want!!!
No matter "adorable","endearingly" or not, (yep, I like this both words definitely, they're a really great input/contribution to my PERSONAL vocabulary),
my BROKEN  English is MINE, my own and I'm proud of it as hell.
I have developed it by my own , sinc I'm an autodidact in it , it's my original idea, so to say,
and even if I use that translator, which, btw, is almost (in)famous because of being soooo shitty, it's just to compensate, so to say, some "gap" (yeah, this word is coming straight from the translator) in my vocabulary.
However, synthax etc. is definitely my own.


I'm trying to learn/gain as much as possible following posts, reading English-languaged books (sometimes having Polish translation in one hand and an English version ("original") in another, that's how I went through "Requiem for a dream" by Selby.)

I use the translator only when in urgent need.

Therefore ALL RIGHTS to nikita's broken English are RESERVED  )

Is it REALLY so much "broken" I think it's getting better and better over time, isn't it?
I hoped I was successfull to be able to get this quasi-American "note" in it, I wish my English sound carelessly and nonchalant, because this is how American English sound in European's ear.
Besides, I'm way way BETTER and inventive than translator whenever been. 
 
@Zoops
Honestly, I've never ever been interrested in how is melatonin' status in Poland, I only SUPPOSE it's inavailable (not that illegal or so) in regular pharmacies. So I told it might be beyond of my range at this moment.
However, since I got your soooo nice and heartwarming proposal, I started to search internet and googled a lot online sites having melatonin offered.
What made me think it might be just in ANY pharmacy available,
I'm going to check it, definitely, before I'd dare to bother you.

You are a good person and reliable friend, really, Zoops. Definitely.
Thank you. 

 

[Chip]

Nikita, you need to bring yourself down off all those benzos as they all have different half lives and you are probably being kept awake by them.

I know that it's not going to be easy but if you want your sleep back then try to swap them for just Valium and then you can try to start a taper.

I just hope you can find a doctor or clinic to help you with this. I have done it myself and they started me on 13 x 5 mg Valium and reduced it by 1 tablet every 3 days but my habit was tiny and you will have to go far slower.