I don't know what to do :(

[Roxstar (OP)]

As some of you may know I've been on methadone for about 3 months.  I got on it because I started doing dope again for a few weeks and I had enough with the amount of money I was spending.  I only knew one guy to get it from and I'm even embarrassed to say how much I was paying for ~1/2g. I'm talking seriously getting ripped off but I guess that's what addiction will do to you.  Plus, it was fire. 

I've been tapering off of the done for the last month or so.  The problem is, I found a damn excellent connect for fire ECP.  I've been doing dope on and off for about 7 years and have always gotten shorted on bags or had to pay out the ass for a middleman (or both).  Now I have this connect that is great.  From the moment I asked them if they could hook me up, I had bags in my hand in less than a half hour.  I texted them late last night asking if I could meet up with him today and I had a text from him when I woke up today saying to call him at a certain time.  That time is less than a few hours away. 

It just sucks because out of all these years, I've never really had a steady connect.  The catch-22 is I'm on methadone and am trying to get clean altogether.  Shit, I might even skip the clinic today or tomorrow so I can feel it better.  I'm only on 55mg so I can definitely feel it after 24 hours of not dosing. 

The clock is ticking and I'm getting antsy...sigh

[Narkotikon]

I would suggest you talk about some of this with your methadone counselor, but I know how shitty some of those counselors can be.  Very little training, very little help, very closed minds, etc. 

Good for you for asking for help though. 

On one hand, yeah, you can score.  You can get immediate gratification.  You've only been on methadone for 3 months, so you could theoretically quit the clinic relatively easily, go back to using dope, and pray the connect lasts.

Or, you could try to stay at the clinic and use at the same time.  From my limited experience, clinics will always forgive you for using.  It's in their interest to, especially if it's a for-profit clinic, and especially if you're testing positive for opiates.  They probably wouldn't be as forgiving for testing positive for other things, benzos or other CNS depressants especially. 

I don't really have any advice on what you should do unfortunately.  I just wanted to say good for you for reaching out.  It's tough when you're craving like a mo fo and have connections. 

Just realize that you can abstain.  It's within your power if you want to, and the craving will go away.  In one of my rehabs, I learned that cravings usually start to subside after about 5-10 minutes.  They cease being as intense.  I'm not sure if I believe that, but that's what they said.  I think cravings get worse if you work yourself into a tizzy though.  Actively trying to change your thoughts (i.e., distracting yourself with something else when you start craving) is the key I think. 

Also, know that using / relapsing doesn't make you a failure, or a bad person, or anything like that.  Just because you use today doesn't mean you're going to use tomorrow.  You always have the ability to change.  So don't feel bad if you slip up.  Just try to accept it and move on, if you want to stay sober that is. 

Report back what you ended up doing.  Stay safe if you do use!

[_Enduser]

it sounds like you're kinda torn about whether or not you want to quit.  The clinic is, in ways, the legal dopeman.  You have to see it everyday and it's easiest to get your shit early in the AM, like a set time.  Copping in Philly, is kind of like a methadone clinic without the wait.  Always open, always real shit that will get you off sick (most likely high), and there are always at least 20+ sets outside in all weather and EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK. 

So, one COULD cop every morning on the block for maintenance purposes and live a life.  The same way someone could go to a methadone clinic and live a life.  The result of both is a habit. 

So what is the issue?  If you don't want to be on dope, be on methadone.  You will have a plan b incase you fuck your money up, and won't go sick, ie you will be able to live life.  However, if yo don't wanna be on dope, or methadone, you need to kick completely, which, for some people (like me), is not really possible nor desirable. 

If you're ready to resign to the fact you will have a habit for the rest of your natural life, and if you don't want this habit to seriously fuck up the quality of your life; methadone.

You wanna still try and fight it, obviously kicking is the answer.  However, be careful; when I try to get off maintenance and kick, I ALWAYS go back to using no matter how determined I am. 

This is someone who was a member of the childhood obesity epidemic, at SERIOUS risk for heart disease and had cholesterol up the fucking ass with high triglycerides. High Blood pressure, and very depressed and not getting ANY pussy during crucial formative adolescent years.  Self esteem in the toilet.  I quit ALL animal products one day (went vegan one morning), and started working out+being all about my health to the point where I lost nearly 70lbs in 3.5 years that stayed off, got lotsa pussy, and felt great about myself.  I'm including this to show that I do indeed have lots of personal willpower.  However, the ONE thing I've never, NEVER been able to do, is stay off opiates. 

So I'll gladly take whatever for maintenance and just move the fuck on, it's just a habit life goes on. 

[dysmorphic]

i am getting my meds from my doctor. i would never want to go back out there, trying to score and having to be sick, it is soooo fucking dangerous, it is even more expensive then it is dangerous! those are 3 reasons why you should stick to done. wait thats like 5 reasons but ya the point is that you have this great thing going. you do want to keep your program going other wise you wouldn't be reaching out. it only takes a butt hairs worth more energy to NOT pick up the phone and score. a fucking butt hairs worth of energy! or better yet it takes the same amount of energy to call someone who will talk you out of scoring!

as far as getting ripped off for fire anything goes, in my book i have always paid well for killer, beaster, fiery goodness. i see absolutely nothing wrong with it. sigh.... coming in here and reading stories of people and their great drug connections. cheap or fire dope or both cheap and fire dope. it maketh me fiend! but as long as i don't take the leash off of the beast that is ok too. i am finally at a place where i can keep a leash on it

go you!!!

[DeepDownTheRabbitHole]

No matter what your brain will always trick you into using making you rationalize using. Perfect example from what you said in your post. "Ive never had a steady connect lemme enjoy this why i can" when a non addict brain would be "im gonna delete this connect because ill end up spending to much money digging me deeper in the addict life"

Dont get me wrong. I do the same shit as you man bit i think we can both admit your in danger zone man. Take a good look on the mirror because you know how fast shut can spiral. Unfortunately and i mean no disrespect i think your fuked for a little because you wont stop seeing this dude. Buy a decent amount. Permanently delete contact and get back on the methadone taper. Before its to late. I fear for you because anyone who lived the life knows how this story ends.

I hope you can dig deeper and stop BEFORE you have no choice.

[Nothinbutnebula]

To echo what a few others have said, if you wanna get high, you're going to find a way. Even on methadone. I was going to the clinic for a little less than a year. A few months in, I wasn't getting what I wanted from it anymore and my addict brain drove me into rationalize my buying a 10 cc rig and shooting my dose every morning. yes, I realize how absolutely fucking stupid shooting that sludge is. I know it now and knew it then.                          o.  Honestly I just didn't care. I was at a point in my life and my addiction and was so desperate for anything to change the way I felt that I didn't give a single shit. Even with a fucking kid on the way. I realize how absolutely selfish and sick that was of me now, but back then I just wanted to get high.
      Anyway, that stopped doing it for me so I started taking benzos on top of 130 mg of done. I don't remember hardly anything from the month before I crashed my car into a tree head on at 40 mph. I walked away from it somehow but the jig was up then. It was enough to finally make me realize that no matter what I was doing I was heading to an early grave quick.
      After a drawn out argument full of benzo rage  with my mother and my daughter's mom, I checked myself into rehab the next day. They said they would taper me down with suboxone (was already apprehensive about that but I knew there was no 100% pain free way to kick 130 mg of done). What I didn't know was That It Was A 5 Day Taper. 5 DAYS! starting at 8 my twice a day on the first day (which I refused for fear of pwd). That's That's a rant for another day but I'm sure you can realize how ridiculous that is.
      I say all that to say that if you've been around on enough you know what your choices are. It IS possible to live a clean life. Neither path is easy. Each one has its ups and downs. But you've already made progress by tapering the done.
     I hope you get what you need from the good people here, but you're the captain of your fate.
     Sorry for the drawn out post. Best of luck to you man