i'm at the end

[MoeMentim (OP)]

i can't quit drinking, just opened up the liquor store.  missed work yesterday.  72hr notice to tow my car due to expired plates.  i could have taken care of it today but woke up shaking with THE FEAR.  have gulped down 4 shots of whiskey & a half a beer.  if i had a way to check out i'd do it right now

the only way i'd do it is a hot shot & i've tried stupid amounts the last few times, kinda "whatever happens..."  nuthin, still here.
Post Merged: October 26, 2018, 11:47:38 PMfull pint of whiskey gone less than an hour after store opened, 9:47am here

Post Merged: October 26, 2018, 11:53:22 PMis it silly that i won't drive drunk to go get shit to kill myself?  i NEVER drive if i've been drinking...

[LadyKalma]

It's not silly that you won't drive drunk, cause chances are you could crash and kill some other people. It's usually the drunk one who lives, and then you'll really want to die worse living with that on your conscious.

Please don't try to kill yourself. Even if you think you're alone access have no way out. I guarantee that some people will bw devastated, even if you feel like no one cares. Shit happens, sometimes you lose a job and a car. Most junkies I know can be resourceful when needed and bounce back better than others. So, at least give yourself some time to try and straighten out your situation.
Can you get some seeds or kratom and weed or benzos or phenibut? If you need something in you, any of these are so much better for your life than booze. I know the fear is real and crippling, but do yourself a favor and kill it with something else. Hang in there.

[bignasty]

Hang in there man, it's just material shit and paper. Fuck money and cars and clothes and all of it. Your life and your happiness is what matters. I promise you shit will get better for you. Just gotta give it time and try to get somethin besides alcohol to make you feel better. Benzo's and weed would be best as they'll put everything in perspective and you'll realize your life is more important than that car.

Please hang in there man and let us know how you're doin.

[MoeMentim (OP)]

havent taken my meds in days, maybbe thats some of it.i

[LadyKalma]

How are you doing today? Are you going to start taking your meds again? Psych meds you're talking about? You know that suicidal thoughts can be a problem when you just stop taking them, realizing this might help you know this is temporary only. Again, please start with your psych meds, possibly some drugs other than alcohol, and get ok for a few days. Worry about the next job and everything when you're more stable.

[MoeMentim (OP)]

thanks, feeling better today, filled and meds this am.  not sure if that had much to do with it or not.

[LadyKalma]

Well, I'm sure there's more to why you feel the way you do, buff at least filling your meds eliminates one variable that may be causing problems. And brain chemicals do largely create reality and what seems true at any given time, as you probably can tell.

Did you lose your job by not going or by going there fucked up? Did you for sure lose it, is there any reasoning with them?

[MoeMentim (OP)]

as far as i know my job is ok, at least for now.  i do have kratom but i'm drinking today, albeit slowly & no whiskey, just strong beer.  I didn't start till noon.  if i can keep this pace i may not even get drunk, we'll see.  thinking tomorrow will be kratom and weed, i have some of each.  wish i could just stick with those two.

[bignasty]

You need to stick with those two 'cause alcohol used to make me suicidal or at least think suicidally while being drunk. Sometimes I'd think or say I wanna kill myself. Other times, I'd just drive crazy as fuck and fast and not really care if I were to wreck. I got in a serious accident while I was .39 BAC and I'm still not sure if I meant to wreck my car or not. Drove it straight into a tree at like 60 from what a witness told me.

[MoeMentim (OP)]

felt pretty normal today & that happens so seldom it catches me off guard.  i listened to marky ramone's classic punk station at work (i've shared beers with him on 2 occasions).  it brought back memories...  in the early 90's i was good friends with this posi-core band,  they did originals & had a few records on a national label.  every show they'd play a set of 2 or 3 classic punk tunes & call me up on stage for vocals.  i'd never know what songs were coming but always knew by heart or could at least hack my through them.  (i've been the cool older punk guy/grandfather to the kids since i was 25).  if you know posi-core (semi but not explicitly straight edge)  passing the mike to the crowd for a sing-along was a whole thing.  the crowd would be SO into it & it was me up there!  anyhow, hearing agent orange's "bloodstains"  made me choke up.  i had the world by the nuts back then.

i'm going to hunt, maybe, just maybe there's a clip of me on youtube...  bah, no digs, found one vid where i was in the crowd but thats it.

[bignasty]

  i had the world by the nuts back then.

Everybody feels that way about a certain time in their life. I know I feel that way about a few different times in my life with the last one being around 25 yrs old with a hydrocodone addiction but was buying them for $2-3 each and selling them for $5-6 each so my addiction didn't cost me anything. And I was buying benzo's (2mg kpin, 1mg xan footballs, 10mg vals) from overseas for $0.50 each and selling them for $2-3 each depending on the amount they were buying AND I was getting a $350 unemployment check AND working a cash paying job where I made $280 a week doing an easy ass job so I was making at least $700 a week and always had at least a few hundred dollars in my pocket at any given time in case I came across 90-120 hydrocodone or perc 10's for $2-3 each.

I was also just coming home from college in a small town where everybody knows everybody and everybody has already fucked everybody so it was like I was the "new" bachelor in town because all the girls that had grown up to be 18-22 yrs old didn't know me and I didn't know them because I never came home from college while there so I had never seen them out at the bars (or anywhere) before. And I had a college education so they thought I had "potential" to make money or be "the one" or whatever but I got laid more than astro-turf in the winter for the first yr or two I was back home. I literally brought home a new girl every weekend AND also had a few "regulars" that I could call anytime for anything.

I was only taking hydrocodone or oxycodone at the time so I'd just time my doses right where they'd be wearing off whenever we got home from the bars or casino's and in the bed when I needed my dick to work and it always did. Well, except a few times with one of my regulars because we'd always end up getting a few of my pops' OG oxy 80's for free and split 'em and snort 'em. Then, we'd fuck for hours but she wouldn't be very wet and I wouldn't be very hard. But we always woke up naked and horny so we'd always end up having morning sex. That is if she didn't wake me up by sucking my dick while I was still asleep. Loved waking up with my dick hard in her mouth and she was great at giving head. Actually liked that girl but we always "cheated on each other" when we were mad at each other or not talking for a few days. It sucked because she married and got pregnant by the next guy she "dated" after me.

Anyway, those ^^ were the days for me and I had the world by the balls. I think everybody feels that way at some point, especially when they were young, OR when they're older and looking back at when they were young. Not sure I'll ever feel that way again but I know I'll keep trying until they put me 6 feet under.

PS: I had a similar feeling a few yrs later from the story above when I went from making $8 an hour with no benefits doing hard ass manual labor (that I got fired doing after a few weeks) to making $18.79 an hour with excellent benefits at a desk job AND exactly one year later I would be promoted to making $23 an hour and one year after that I'd be promoted again and making $28.75 an hour. I was making great money again AND was the "new young guy" at my work that hired like 50 people straight out of college and most of them were good looking girls so I had it made for the first year or two at my new job.

The first girl I fucked around with literally got engaged about a month after I started working there and was pregnant about 3 months after I started working there. I think her husband must've known about us or had a feeling 'cause she'd always say "I told my boyfriend about that funny conversation you and I had yesterday" or something like that to where it seemed like she was giving him hints that she liked me and we were hanging out every time he'd go home a few states away on the weekends. I actually liked that girl too and would've married her 'cause she was exactly my type being short, big tits, intelligent, well traveled, big nice ass, flat stomach, dark hair (though I've dated more blondes) and dark tan skin tone and was kind of a good girl but liked "bad boys" and would've been a great mother.

I was actually just about to ask her to leave him and be my girlfriend when she showed up to work and showed me her engagement ring and apologized that she hadn't told me over the phone or over text yet but said she wanted to tell me in person. Looking back, I should've told her how I really felt and see if she still would've married him or not but I had too much pride and was too pissed off at the time. I really really liked this girl too.

But she stayed engaged so I ended up messing around with the hot Asian chick in the cubicle next to hers that also had a boyfriend and dark hair, big tits, nice big ass, cool personality, pretty face, tight pussy, well traveled, flat stomach, short, and intelligent. I liked her a lot too but ended up moving while we were still hanging out on weekends when she'd stay home instead of going to the college town where she lived with her boyfriend.

Also fucked the most incredible looking half black, half Asian chick I've ever seen on TV or in real life or in porn or in pictures or anywhere in my entire life. She had a boyfriend too or I would've fucked her more than just twice (once at office Christmas party at casino where she had a room for the night so she wouldn't have to drive home drunk and once randomly in her new car on our lunch break) and probably could've made a KILLING doing home-made porns with her as she seriously had the most incredible ass I've ever seen in my entire life. It almost looked fake 'cause it was so big on a petite short skinny girl but it was all natural and she had incredible legs and tits too. Well, we messed around on 2 separate occasions but had sex 3 times the first time at the casino hotel. Twice that night and once the next morning. It sucked 'cause I could hardly fuck her doggy style or reverse cowgirl 'cause she had such a nice ass that I'd almost nut as soon as I'd look at it bouncing on my dick. I'd have to look away or close my eyes and think of something non-sexual. 

Anyway, the point of my long ass stories is that you never know when you're gonna have one of the best moments or times of your life until they just happen out of nowhere. I've gone from depressed and suicidal to on top of the world within 2-3 months before. You just gotta make it thru the hard times then it seems like God rewards you with good times for sticking out the hard times.

[bonedust]

Holy crap, I feel like a dick that I missed this post.
Hey Moe, no, just no.
I feel like that sometimes. I'm only alive cuz of Narcan and my husband so I can't do that.
Things change and you will eventually feel better.
I hate that it comes and goes.
You're in my thoughts man. Sending the good vibes, for real.

[MoeMentim (OP)]

thanks everyone.  good news, just came from a psych appointment & i'm going to get 2 ketamine infusions.  i'll update the ketamine thread with details

[bignasty]

how much is it gonna cost you? Is he charging you full price or giving you a deal or is insurance paying most or what? I think you told me it's $300 but can't remember exactly how much you said.

[LadyKalma]

Hey, i'm glad things are looking up. You've got ketamine infusions to look forward to now! Im glad you're tryna slow down on the drinking. And, it's always in retrospect when we can look back at a time when things were best and think things were perfect then. Who knows what the future holds. But your era of being in the punk scene does sound excellent.