this is what meds my father is on at end of life ...

[Chip (OP)]

As some of you may know, my dad is at the end of his life and is very confortable with no food and is dying at a retirement village.

I have accepted it and if it weren't for the pacemaker, he would be gone earlier.

We saw him extremely agitated on Friday as he was in heaps of pain and screaming so they have put him on a small cocktail of meds to turn his brain off and give him physical comfort. The meds are accumulating is his system as he is not peeing them out and this is as close to assisted dying as is legally permissable. It is his wish and we must respect one's final wish no matter how hard it is on us.

No need for condolences yet but i thought you'd like to know what he is getting:

2.5 mg Morphine + 2.5 mg Midazolam^Wiki prn.

i think i'd love to try Midazolam and wondered if anybody has had it and what was it like ? It helps to keep my mind on the practical theory behind dying and to transcend the emotion, any way i can.

So is this a good little cocktail ? He longer recognises us so that may be a good thing. We are working on decommissioning his pacemaker so he can finally go home, back to where he was before he was born.

He was on Hydromorphone when in hospital, a drug that in Oz is NEVER seen on the street. I envy you 'mericans for access to it and other drugs like Oxymorphone etc.

Thanks for letting me share this, the wait is agonising and heartbreaking but i wish he were on a more euphoric opiate, all the same.

[DeadCat]

Hey Chipper, you and I are in almost the same situation. My mom has breast cancer and it is now in her lier and bones and it has caused her episodes of dementia and paranoia, anxiety attacks and all the other horrible shit that happens to stage 4 cancer patients go through.

So I think I can sy I "feel your pain" honestly and you have my sympathy, or maybe sympathy AND empathy, I don't know.

Why don't you email me and we can talk more about how we deal with this both technically and as adult children of a dying parent.

[Chip (OP)]

Good idea, DC - check your inbox soon, i PM'ed you this time but may also email you.

[Jega]

First off, regardless of what you said, my condolences.

As to your question - Midazolam is overrated and 2.5 mg wont do a darn thing to a relatively healthy adult even when done IV.

To put it another way; 2.5mg of Midazolam IV will have the same effect on you as 2.5mg of Morphine IV.

If you want to try Midazolam and your in the US your best shot would be with IOP's with 15 or 30mg pills, but IV benzos are just overrated in general.

[Chip (OP)]

Thank you, all the same ... Jega, he is skin and bone, at 93 with no food coming in so 2.5 is HEAPS, i'd say.

don't compare him to us with tolerances who are young and perhaps portly too.

he is HEAVILY sedated and also dying, let me assure you.

[Jega]

For his father absolutely!

I took that as a question of DeadCat asking if 2.5mg of midazolam would have any effect on him. If I read the question wrong then my fault and I apologize.

[Chip (OP)]

you do not need to apologize ... it's just that i saw him go from highly agitated and yelling at us to sedated and for all intents and purposes, asleep (but with his eyes open) about 15 minutes after they injected Midazolam into a (IM/subcutaneous?) butterfly port in his leg.

it's heart breaking stuff but it is what it is.

what a hell of a drug, i couldn't believe that the effect was so profound but i know that it's a potent amnesiac, too. i think that's a good choice.

Wiki said that it is commonly used for end of life palliative care so it seems entirely appropriate.

[Chip (OP)]

We have decided to put his morphine dose up.

Less than 24 hours left. On my way to his bedside with the family.

The crystal and Valium are working a treat with no sadness whatsoever. We resolved his hatred of my junkie ways and there are multiple closures.

Just wanted to share. I'm surprised how well I'm handling it; methamphetamine is a potent sadness killer but no doubt when it wears off there may be a price to pay.

Fuck it, I've been self medicating for all my adult life so why not now ?

I'm not wanting sympathy but writing this down is a comfort to me.

Please don't condemn me for being smashed at this time, it's what we do and it works.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Lolleedee]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Death may be an inevitable part of life, but for those left behind, the grief can be overwhelming.  I'm glad you have had some closure.  I hope his passing is as pain free as possible.  We love you, Chipper!

[Chip (OP)]

Awww ... sweetie, thank you. No life without death.

My last words to him included my apologies for being the junkie that I knew broke his heart.

It's a lonely and hard road that on which we travel.

I said my final goodbyes as it's finally over for me now.

Closure.

[Bodytec]

We have decided to put his morphine dose up.

Less than 24 hours left. On my way to his bedside with the family.

The crystal and Valium are working a treat with no sadness whatsoever. We resolved his hatred of my junkie ways and there are multiple closures.

Just wanted to share. I'm surprised how well I'm handling it; methamphetamine is a potent sadness killer but no doubt when it wears off there may be a price to pay.

Fuck it, I've been self medicating for all my adult life so why not now ?

I'm not wanting sympathy but writing this down is a comfort to me.

Please don't condemn me for being smashed at this time, it's what we do and it works.

Thanks for letting me share.

Wow,man,this is an intense situation here. First of all My condolences to you.
With that said,I think you are right about the sobering sadness that may come later when the stim use is over for you. When my mother went thru a three year losing battle with colon cancer,I was using a lot of cocaine and alcohol. It absolutely made me feel very little emotion,almost robot-like. When I discontinued the cocaine use about 5 years later,it was a very sad time in my life. That is when I began my opiate use,starting with hydrocodone and quickly into OG OC 80's and H. The addiction part kept my attention but during the high times and the down times I have always felt a great loss and have often felt deep pain concerning the idea that I waster the time during her last months here by medicating with coke and alc.
  I really hope that that cycle can be avoided for you somehow. You will find your way of coping I'm sure,we always do.

[Chip (OP)]

Thank you for the condolences.

After a point of crystal, I had a bottle of wine, 8 x 5 mg. Diaz., OLZ and soon my Methadone will kick in, keeping me calm.

Just the occasional emotional flushes.

I'm too tolerant to the crystal right now so I stuffed myself with nice food to fill the void.

I'may now waiting for that phone call so we can all start our new lives.
 

[CARNi]

Best of luck to you and yours....  I myself just went thru very similar circumstances and handling it eerily similar....  hard, so darn hard. 😧

[Chip (OP)]

Dad died at 19:58 Sydney time.

it's over, and what an exit - may i ever be so lucky.

I managed to negotiate with the doctor, nurses and their bosses get his dosing frequency pushed up for one extra dose for the day, i did my best to expedite his wishes.

it couldn't have gone better, i really mean that.

I want to close this thread by locking it, just out of respect -- i opened another one to say the last words, anyway.