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Author Topic: The Shit Hits The Fan  (Read 4607 times)

Offline nikita70 (OP)

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The Shit Hits The Fan
« on: July 23, 2016, 11:27:03 AM »
This is REALLY not another one counterfeit attempt to gain your attention.
Plus, not any suicide blackmailing or so on my side. I KNOW there's a permanent solution for temporary issues/problems(even if longlasting, like infinity sometimes).
Just seems me this site got created as kinda "shelter"/"attachement point" for  those who are totally fucked up and in desperation.
If I am wrong, then excuse me, please.

I'm gonna try to be as consice as it only possible in my case.

Since I am on this bupe, I sterted to perceive things completely different-believe me or not, it never ever happened to me before. I was just... dazzled, blind.
Now I realize I am kinda spoiled, unrealistic little girl, and even if versed in THEORY of this and that, I'm completely helpleess as for practice.

Yesterday my partner got back home, I've been waiting for him/looking forward like a junkie looking for a dealer...
However, since I have "shot him" so to say (I don't mean sex, just the first few sentences we have sharing each to other),
I didn't "get hight", as I have figured before, on the contrary even, it felt as if I've gathered some dose of Naloxone, lol.

Speaking straight, I REALIZED this/he is my first and main addiction, maybe even more destructive than those chemical ones.

However, since it's a love-hate relationship, I have not guts enough/strong enough to... how you call it? this abbreviation...???SBN???/get the son-of-a-bitch away, like RIGHT NOW, lol. I have forgotten it.
Plus, I'm not sure if at all. I mean beeing in position to do it. Maybe not "let him go away", but just split and start a completely/or just partially new life. 

Besides, I don't consider him as a completely scum, we're just so much different, plus
he's ALWAYS soooo unconcerned, even as for a guy.

I'm not going to bother you with my other family' issues, that got soooo much OBVIOUS since I'm relatively sober.
I am just find myself to be a deep deep abbys, as I'm not gonna to "derail" in my path,
I think, I kinda "grasped" this "quest for sobriety", since it's gone so far, just don't want to fuck it up.
What isn't anything revealing.

I do REALLY REALLY need/starve to change myself and finally grow up. I consider to join NA meetings, definitely, but since it's a middle of a summer/holiday' and a silly season here, there's no one to turn...
plus my mother is gonna leave tomorrow,
besides, there's a lonely path, people are in position to join to some point only.

I'm so much scared, of nothing particular at all, just this feel of a constant tension with not any relief to look forward.
Bupe prevents me just from strictly physical w/d... to straighten my fucked up life is what I need to make it with my own effort.

Sorry for being so much bothersome, AGAIN. I'm still asking for help without to spread something positive and valuable in return.

I realize, it's all the part of this process, have been receiving so many positive feedback from different people last days, more than whenever before...

I'm totally confused and scared-fear is the worst enemy. 
 
« Last Edit: July 23, 2016, 11:39:38 AM by nikita70 »
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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre

BloodInBloodOutBloodIn

Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)

Offline Dopeless Hopefiend

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2016, 01:37:07 PM »
I'm really sorry you're struggling Nikita. This MMT to bupe transition is challenging isn't it? I'm 28 days off of methadone tomorrow & I still don't feel "right". Even taking 16mg of bupe everyday, I just feel...off. Like not physical w/d exactly, more like uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I'm just trying to say I get it.
As far as your partner goes, I don't know what advice to give you except that if it is a toxic relationship as you said then you deserve better. I wasted years in a toxic relationship because staying was just "easier" than actually figuring out how to leave. I guess the question I'd have is whether or not you felt this way before this whole methadone detox started. If you did, maybe it's worth considering the fact that you and he might not be compatible. If they are new feelings, my advice would be to give it a little time and see if you still feel the same way after you are feeling better physically. I know it's hard. Hang in there & you ever need to talk I'm here.
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Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it. - Albus  Dumbledore

Offline nikita70 (OP)

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2016, 05:37:41 PM »
I'm really sorry you're struggling Nikita. This MMT to bupe transition is challenging isn't it? I'm 28 days off of methadone tomorrow & I still don't feel "right". Even taking 16mg of bupe everyday, I just feel...off. Like not physical w/d exactly, more like uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I'm just trying to say I get it.
As far as your partner goes, I don't know what advice to give you except that if it is a toxic relationship as you said then you deserve better. I wasted years in a toxic relationship because staying was just "easier" than actually figuring out how to leave. I guess the question I'd have is whether or not you felt this way before this whole methadone detox started. If you did, maybe it's worth considering the fact that you and he might not be compatible. If they are new feelings, my advice would be to give it a little time and see if you still feel the same way after you are feeling better physically. I know it's hard. Hang in there & you ever need to talk I'm here.

Thank you, @Dopeless Hopefiend , with all my heart.

"Not to feel comfortable in one's own skin", right?  :blank:
I think, I know exactly what you mean, even if I'd describe my case in a little bit different words.
Seems me, this bupe transition feels ALWAYS kinda similiar, as there's still the same "neurophysiological pattern", so to say, involved, right?
The possible differences appearing in details, and affecting some very personal traits, depending on what mood/and possible disorders is person inclined to.
As someone who suffers from some severe anxiety pangs, I'm obviously "vulnerable" this way mostly, so to say.
It feels as if I were kinda "forced" to "catch up" all this missed/slept days/time, with it's good and bad aspects.
However, since I'm paranoid, those "bad ones" use to overweight the "good ones".

Kinda bupe-switching' induced instant growing up (or at least tasting it, in its most unpleasant forms).
Like PWD as someone would get off his/her Delusions etc., etc., lol.

As for my toxic relationship, unfortunately, you aren't wrong in your presumptions, though I wish you were.
This isn't anything new, we were constantly living on the edge of some serious tragedy, as we used to get permanently into some fierce quarrels,
still, methadone has been providing me with some resistance and distance for it, kinda counterfeit "immunology system", you know.

Thanks a lot for your supportive feedback, DH.
How are YOU, excepting you are feeling... OFF and strange in your own skin?
Do things tend to straighten to you, soon, how do you think/feel???

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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre

BloodInBloodOutBloodIn

Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)

Offline LoneRanger7

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2016, 11:56:15 PM »
Hello Nikita,

I'm sorry you're struggling.  Bupe has been great for me but it's not so easy for everyone.  I had a toxic relationship once, 8 years I had in and was staying because... I don't know why,  I was in love and drug haze.  Finally I did get courage to leave and although it took many years I got better.  The problem being the drugs get you so low it takes too long to crawl out of the abyss.  I'm sorry I don't have more to give other than I was there,  I left and I'm still here now,  and my life is objectively better,  not always on the brink of destructing. I miss the highs though,  both the drug and the love high.  But boring is not the hell I once thought it would be. In fact I'm overall pretty happy now.  I'm rooting for you.

LR7
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Offline nikita70 (OP)

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2016, 05:37:55 AM »
Hello Nikita,

I'm sorry you're struggling.  Bupe has been great for me but it's not so easy for everyone. I had a toxic relationship once, 8 years I had in and was staying because... I don't know why,  I was in love and drug haze.  Finally I did get courage to leave and although it took many years I got better.  The problem being the drugs get you so low it takes too long to crawl out of the abyss.  I'm sorry I don't have more to give other than I was there,  I left and I'm still here now,  and my life is objectively better,  not always on the brink of destructing. I miss the highs though,  both the drug and the love high.  But boring is not the hell I once thought it would be. In fact I'm overall pretty happy now.  I'm rooting for you.

LR

Thank you @LoneRanger7 ,

Bupe isn't so bad itself, it kinda widens and purifies perspective, comparing to the 'done. Some people finding it to be unbearable, as they are looking for permanent high (and nodding, and being cutt off of the "reality", constantly).

I think I would tolerate it relatively well, cos I'm not one of those who content oneselves/settle for the less, as my partner is,
OK, cut the crap, I'm not going to blame anyone.

We are both involved/entangled. 
 
This addictive/toxic relashionsips seems to be way way like HIGH-way tougher than any other drug-issues.
I think they are more destructive than anything else in "the poison, varied garden of addictions" and in position to slowly slowly deprive the person of their natural gifts, abilities, positive traits and finally the vital energy.

Well, maybe not "deprive" but just stifle, if you're vulnerable/susceptible to subordinate and give up almost everything just to please the other person.
Drugs are one things , as they're still JUST(?) "substances", inanimate matter, they are "whimsy" so far your supplier is, as people are "something" completely else.
I mean, you don't expect your dope talking to you, hug you, LOL, share your passions, not to insult you... just to affect your receptors, so to say, what is probably kinda pitiable, simplified counterfeit/kinda poor quivalent of a real HUG.

I'm finding myself strong (and ready/prepared) enough to deal with this transition relatively smoothly and seamlessly, regarding the process wouldn't be complicated by the additional hassles (the partner I wanted oh-so-badly to be concerned, as he seems me to be hostile and stifling all my creativity down).

What is definitely the worst, there's ALWAYS hope/kinda CREDO QUIA ABSURDUM somewhere there,
you ALWAYS give the person the another one chsnce. It' so sick.

EVERY MORNING you lie yourself to believe, something is gonna change.

Maybe he's even  going to say "hello", instead of his "manadatory" murmuring, what I need to decode and maybe finally to reveal as greeting.

Or maybe takes care on how do you feel.

Not to scold me for I just mentioned...  "yesterday was Amy Winehouse death' anniversary, did you know about it?"
"How, for fucks sake, could you even think, I may be at all interrested in when some strange gal died, A LOT of people pass away everyday."

And it's how it goes.

I realize, I'm that one who let things go so far, because it was way easier to stay and slowly languish then go and live a full blown life,
plus, the 'done only fixed this woe.   
 
As it has gone so far and I'm already  talking about it, it's the best example-Amy Winehouse vs Football. Anyway, I don't "harass" him with my music, or so, as he does.
 
This is just TOO MUCH to me.

Plus, it hit me in the worst possible time ever (my mistake, to postpone until "the eleventh hour", or how it calls, because "it's going to be FAIRY EASY, like 8 yrs before it was")-silly season, not my doc (just some young, unexperienced substitute instead), no therapysts to turn to...

The worst problem is the sick relationship to me, seems me we just are inable NOT TO FIGHT each other.
I'm feeling embarrased to bother you again, really. Sorry.

Thanks a lot to you, LR7  :)
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 06:24:47 AM by nikita70 »
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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre

BloodInBloodOutBloodIn

Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)

Offline Chip

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2016, 06:01:26 AM »
Nikita, you know that you have to leave that man to his own devices -- and ditch him eventually ... i never like to give relationship advice but this is adding to your misery and you need support, not someone who is making things worse, continually -- this will only result in more drug use.

But work on getting your benzo habit under control for now.

Wishing you the best possible outcome ... try not to be afraid of living by yourself if at all possible.
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I do not condone or support any illegal activities. All information is for theoretical discussion and wonder.
All activities discussed are considered fictional and hypothetical. Information of all discussion has been derived from online research and in the spirit of personal Freedom.

Offline nikita70 (OP)

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2016, 08:51:22 AM »
Nikita, you know that you have to leave that man to his own devices -- and ditch him eventually ... i never like to give relationship advice but this is adding to your misery and you need support, not someone who is making things worse, continually -- this will only result in more drug use.

But work on getting your benzo habit under control for now.

Wishing you the best possible outcome ... try not to be afraid of living by yourself if at all possible.

Thank you @chipper , with all my heart.
I don't trying to find some way to wriggle out, or so, to postpone the process (well, probably unlike to my unconsciousness), but since there's so called silly season here, and even my mother gave a fuck and left, I'm feeling not in position to make some "revolution" like RIGHT NOW.

looks like this guy kinda intentionally (or unconsciounsly but still deliberately) "dropped the anchor" in my pad, gathering some ENORMOUS amounts of books, what is obviously some technical issues when it comes to removal.

Your're right-one's "own devices" as you call them, are so precious and underestimated-hope they're going to help me to go through until things getting clearer.
For now, I'm stuck here trying to be as alert as possible and not to make matters worse.

As for benzos, this is an equivalent issue/problem. I'm trying to reduce the additional dose step by step, slowly and cautiously, 'cos the insomnia is considered as the worst w/d symptom by me, so even the thought itself, I may be inable to sleep during few night, is scary enough to me.
I think, I must be somehow special "vulnerable" for it or so, 'cos it brings me literally on the verge of insanity, like some permanent ASC, "rough", I couldn't stop by no means.

Thanks a lot for your concern, again.  :)

« Last Edit: July 26, 2016, 09:00:39 AM by nikita70 »
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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre

BloodInBloodOutBloodIn

Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2016, 10:51:46 AM »
I hate hearing about amazing people like you being in awful relationships Nikita.  I don't want to give you relationship advice, but I hope that you can find a way to do what's best for you and be happy.

I have to say though staying with someone because thy have a bunch check of books in your house is a bad reason.  I know it isn't the only reason.  If you want him out then give him a time frame for getting them out.  If they aren't gone in a week then there are church groups that will come and pick them up.  For free and with pleasure.  Getting rid of the books would probably be easier then getting rid of him.

Jut take care of yourself the best you can please.  Awesome people deserve some awesome back in their lives.
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Offline nikita70 (OP)

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2016, 07:51:30 AM »
I hate hearing about amazing people like you being in awful relationships Nikita.  I don't want to give you relationship advice, but I hope that you can find a way to do what's best for you and be happy.

I have to say though staying with someone because thy have a bunch check of books in your house is a bad reason.  I know it isn't the only reason.  If you want him out then give him a time frame for getting them out.  If they aren't gone in a week then there are church groups that will come and pick them up.  For free and with pleasure.  Getting rid of the books would probably be easier then getting rid of him.

Jut take care of yourself the best you can please.  Awesome people deserve some awesome back in their lives.

Thank you @Z.

I KNEW it all before, but, as it happens in such sick relationships, postponed the final solution, so to say, ad infinitum, because IT WAS EASIER to stuck in  this shit, standing still without to touch anything, cos it stinks, lol.

However, MMT has provided me with some mental protection, even the fact of affiliation with the methadone' clinic itself.
Even if I was pretty vulnerable, this mindset like "I can drink a sirup IN ANY MOMENT and it's going to take away all the problems", made me feel relatively stable.

However, I'm finding myself not to be in position to continue it since on bupe.
Bupe is like bulletproof vest made from mist comparing to the toughness/firmness of the 'done.

Not only my pupils/eyes are wide open, the dilated pupils are just the "trademark", so to say, of my new mindset.
Thus, no matter how much I wanted and how hard I'd be trying, I'm just inable to ignore what is so much obvious, anymore.

I don't want to blame him or so, but every time I'm looking for him, I can see someone, who's EXACTLY MY OPPOSITE, not my complement, to put it mildly.
I don't even suppose him doing it out of spite or so, he's just so much different,
those things seem to happen kinda intrinsically, as a side effect of being involved into a toxic relationship.

Plus, he's obviously not interrested in joining ANY treatment/therapy,
as he's (emotionally) in charge, so to say, in this relationship and pretty comfortable.

He has just grasped/bang the silly chick, kinda "clung" to someone, who has enabled him to live realtive wealthy life and provided with the roof over his head, as he comes from some pathological family he couldn't bear anymore to life with,
a bunch of losers and pretty annoying rednecks, who just tryin' to get out of a full blown life and keep hang in their minimalistic, pitiable existence.

Since he differs from them like thousand times, he was obviously looking for something more,
however, instead of following some carreer path, joining university or so, what, as I believe, would fit him pretty well, he let the so called "friends" to make his head upside and entered the "street university, faculty of the dope", instead.
It was way way easier and maybe even more "glorious" in those days than any other school.
 
Anyway, RIGHT NOW I'm that one, who suffers as he tends to act like a Dealer Of Relief to me.
He kinda "doses" me "privileges" and so, makes me feel totally alerted on what I'm saying and how I'm acting,
plus, the pretty simply drug (and oh-so-much common, like available everywhere instead of this relationshiop), called NICE WORD seems to be just beyond of my range to get, like 99%ly clear dope or coke or so, lol.
 
Plus, unlike me, he seems not to be aware at all of what the fuck happens to me, as I'm crying, complaining or so.
Since he's pretty intelligent, I figure, he's either involved/entangled in this relationship as strong as I am (just playing another one role in this game),
either he's just playing fool to me, cos he gives a fuck.

It has gone so far, he (emotionally) made me a slave in my own pad.

He You woke me up today, as you know MY sleep is still poor anyway. (bullshit, he's sleeping like a newborn comparing to how I do, I can hear him snoring, lol)
Me Do you mind it? I needed to wash my hair, finally,for fucks sake.
He No, but ...

This is getting so obvious especially RIGHT NOW, as I'm switching and waking up earlier, so our circadians rhytms aren't so synchronized as they were before.

I'm not allowed even move on and stand up, put myself to some housework or so, without to risk my ass gets beaten one way or another.

What I reproach myself, is I let things go so far. Sometimes it happens he suggessts me something pretty reasonable, like "let's try to do our own, not to hang on/cling so desperately each to other.

So what, if it's just beyond of my range-if he disappears for a while I'm getting paranoid.

This "existential" feeling of being completely alone in the middle of the strange, in mostly ways pretty hostile world,
was/is like slapping me straight into my face.

Since I have started this transition I have an impression as if my mind got kinda "formatted". I have an impression 

OK, cut the crap.

Bitching isn't gonna help at all, it makes things even worse.

Thank you, Z, for your kindest words, once again.

 
« Last Edit: July 27, 2016, 06:16:01 PM by chipper »
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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre

BloodInBloodOutBloodIn

Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)

Offline Opi-ette

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2016, 09:01:44 AM »
Nikita, I have a feeling the bupe transition making you see things clearly and for what they really are with him, you will eventually do whats best for you. I see that you aren't ready right now so I won't tell you what to do (though I wish I could come scoop you up and rescue you) so I won't tell you to kick him out. I have a feeling it won't be long though. I hate hearing how he treats you.

Sleep is imperative not just for your body but your mental health, especially now. If you want to get up when he's asleep then get up! If it bothers him, he can sleep on the couch. Its YOUR house/apartment.

I hope what you said about this:

"I'm not allowed even move on and stand up, put myself to some housework or so, without to risk my ass gets beaten one way or another." is just a figure of speech and not literal otherwise I would tell you to kick him out. He has no right to put his hands on you!! If he is hitting you call the police and get a restraining order. Again, I don't know if you meant it figuratively and not literally, so if I'm wrong then ignore this paragraph and I'm sorry.

You obviously have a lot of people here who care about you so when you feel down, try to think of that. And if it helps you to post to us, keep on keepin on  ^-^
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Offline nikita70 (OP)

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2016, 07:18:21 AM »
Nikita, I have a feeling the bupe transition making you see things clearly and for what they really are with him, you will eventually do whats best for you.
(...)
I hope what you said about this:

"I'm not allowed even move on and stand up, put myself to some housework or so, without to risk my ass gets beaten one way or another." is just a figure of speech and not literal otherwise I would tell you to kick him out. He has no right to put his hands on you!! If he is hitting you call the police and get a restraining order. Again, I don't know if you meant it figuratively and not literally, so if I'm wrong then ignore this paragraph and I'm sorry.

You obviously have a lot of people here who care about you so when you feel down, try to think of that. And if it helps you to post to us, keep on keepin on  ^-^

Thanks you @Opi-ette ,

Although I said it as a "figure of speech", not literally
(he never "hits" me in a full sense of this word, cos this is just not this sort of way he used to come up with things, he knows better ways to hurt me like emotionally blackmailing or so...)
you're obviously right-I have to get rid of this guy, one way or another, because he just makes my head upside and-more or less knowingly-thwarts my developement, since he tends to bann/criticize almost EVERYTHING I'm involved in.

He literally HATES me wanting to travel (like to Mexico/US in the western direction and to India/Mumbai/Goa in the eastern one) or "having a kick" from some particulary movies/documentaries and books.
He kinda casually blames the authors/books I do really appreciate, especially if written by WOMEN (I think he kinda despises women, cryptomisogynist, as I believe).

"I have seen another one book written by this INSPIRED MUD-PIE you have "hots" for, in a bookstore. I bet you gonna buy it.
(the word "inspired" means "obsessed", "insane", "soft", "mawkish" here, definitely anything good)

He used to laugh out and mock books and ideas I'm respecting and having "hots" for them, if only/regarding HE doesn't share them with me.
I realize, I may be a little bit unrealistic in my interrests---

"How do you think I could care on/be interrested in some Latino' stuff???" This is all your junkies' delusions."
or
"I'm not going to move to either ANY fucking MEXICO, either INDIA, or another one HEART OF DARKNESS by no means. You are still a little girl like.
So far I know you, you'd be chicken out right after you'd arrive, finding yourself alone on the airport, as you'd realize that what surrounding you is so huge and you're re like nothing in it, but just a dust."


As he kinda puts his mind up to the fact he's OLD (lol) and disabled (without even having many objective reasons to think like that), I'm going not to  give up even if I'm in relatively worse healthy amd mental condition.
I appreciate comfort but there's now so many ways to get it without to resign to make your dreams come true.
Hell, I'm ready to even "stick" to some pilgrimage organized by church, if needed, to get there (I mean Mexico), lol.
I have checked it and there're plenty offers, they almost harrass you to join some, to get to Guadalupe, plus it isn't expensive, as far I know.

 
As for my "partner", again, he just wanted to settle for the LESS (very very LESS), excepting he's really versed in literature (what I do really appreciate, but also consider as some serious addiction, since he's an obstinate bookstore-lifter and starts to literally freak out as he's not in position to get some desirable book like RIGHT NOW),
he doesn't even know how to handle with a computer, for his own wish of course, since he consider it to be something... sneaky and deceitful.
What he hates in paricular is, as you can easily guess, an Internet.
"...because it tends to ruin bonds between people in the real life". Supposedly wise, and BANG-such a simplification!!!

And if you ask me, he's just jealous for I'm spending so many times on my PC.
He is very fussy and demanding as a minimalist, even if it sounds pretty paradoxically, if you get my drift.

If my pad were more spacious/roomier or if I'd live in a house, it MIGHT BE a little bit easier, however, I'm not sure if I were able to ignore him at all and not to get into these futile, exhaustile rows, as I'm doing it kinda in spite of myself, in spite of what my higher self tells me.
This is exactly as instinctive, as putting a needle into your vein when you're sick.

As you said, I'm definitely not in position to struggle with/make it like RIGHT AT THE MOMENT, this is just beyond of me, since I'm still pretty unstable on this bupe, plus, my mother left...
I'm not even sure if she will be delighted as she finds out I'm going to split (it's formally her appartment, not mine).
She's with these, who tolerate toxic relatioships without to keen on "revolutions", as she own has been living and pretty much entangled in some sick relation with my Dad all life long, so she's rather like "some things are unalterable, so you need just to learn how to live with them, plus, PAIN is involved."

Well, I do really like reading about martyrs, but not going to let some guy (even if I love him, in some specific way) to ruin my life and join them (martyrs), and do really not care on martyrs' crown, no matter how trendy such an accessory  would be and improve my look, lol.

Life is tough enough itself.

Thank you Opi-ette, once again. You're always so concerned and subtle.
Hope things are better to you than they are to me right now. :) 



« Last Edit: July 28, 2016, 07:43:11 AM by nikita70 »
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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre

BloodInBloodOutBloodIn

Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)

Offline Der Alte Krieger

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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2016, 10:33:22 AM »
What dosage of Bupe are you taking?


My GF dumped me after 17 years and she's doing 100% better without me, we were both good people just not the ones meant for one another
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Offline nikita70 (OP)

  • The Second Of My Name, A Woman Who Runs With Words, Queen Of The Excess, MissThInkLink
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Re: The Shit Hits The Fan
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2016, 07:42:07 AM »
What dosage of Bupe are you taking?


My GF dumped me after 17 years and she's doing 100% better without me, we were both good people just not the ones meant for one another

@Der Alte Krieger ,

...as we both are (it's what I suppose, at least). It feed thoughts, anyways, being able to split after 17 years of living together (this is exactly as long as we share the same pad). Were you both somehow special scattered/crushed after it finally happened? How does it feel?

I'm on relatively small dose, like 2.5-3.5 mg/day (what is relatively low according to your standards), since bupe isn't consider as a typical substitution medication for opiate users, and the highest drug content is like ten times lower than wherever else in Western countries, Europe including.
As the lowest dose is 4.0 mg over there, we have only 0.4mg-comma moved one position to the right...

Still, bupe isn't such a huge problem to me itself. I have an impression, it's just unfruitfuly or so as I take few pills more than schedulded. It seems me not to make any difference, excepting I'm getteing kinda annoying stimulated, what definitely doesn't ANYTHING to do with relief I'm expecting.
If not my personal issues, I'd be stable on about 2.5 or even less, I believe.

ALIVE&(NOT) KICKING at the moment anymore.
Switching is bad enough itself, without having to struggle with some hostile environment.

I'm gathering additional doses only to prevent (even if it doesn't work properly) the panic, as my BF makes my head upside.

Since on bupe, I'm still on the verge on panic, since I'm more vulnerable than whenever else. Plus, he's switching, too and even if he bears it way easier, since on minimal doses, he's also kinda oversensitive at the time. Complaining, claiming, fussy...and kinda passive agressive.

Looks we are so much different, that we just can't talk each to other single minute without to get into a row.
But since I'm ADDICTED to him, it scares shit outta me as he leaves and I can't "catch" him by my cell or so.

This is not because I love him so much, it's just because I realize to be completely alone. It hit me as if someone slap me with the palm.
 
To make matters worse, this is extremely hot here, plus
my mother left with my daughter, plus
there're World Youth Day and the pope (well, I don't need to move anymore, since the "World" came to me, lol),
this is so overwherming, living/tryin' to make it in kinda "surrounded town" as almost all regular inhabitansts left...

Plus, I was so unconcerned/lighthearted  to start adding another benzos and barbiturates to my menu,
this is another one problem emerging, as I'm trying to get back to my previous "shedule" and it seems not to work.
This is not long enough to develope some full blown addiction to them, but sufficient to get adopted and not to be able to sleep at all maybe the next...I don't even know how long.

In conclusion, what bothers me more than the bupe (it only makes things looking clearer), is how to beat the equal addiction (to my partner) and not to plague myself until some solution will be possible.

Thanks for your concern, Dutch, see you on another site. 

« Last Edit: July 29, 2016, 07:57:16 AM by nikita70 »
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A Toda Madre O Un Desmadre

BloodInBloodOutBloodIn

Junkies are like noodles-straight 'til gettin' wet

"Maybe we should follow in the steps of Artonin Artaud and throw our remaining dope in the river,
get flung into gut-wrenching purging withdrawal,drink ayahuasca and eat peyote..." (Roman Totale)

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