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Author Topic: TheTalkingAsshole  (Read 450 times)

Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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TheTalkingAsshole
« on: May 31, 2016, 05:12:03 AM »
So maybe I posted this in the "where does your username come from" thread
but I've had my mind in overdrive for the last month
and feel like I might finally be ready to make that final jump

you know the one

Not the "until we meet again, sweet prince" quitting where you plan to go back sooner or later
Not the "i need to dry out/get my head on straight/fully detox" kind of quitting which ends the same way as the previous one
Not the "I'm only gonna use once a fortnight/month/year and only do a small amount, just enough to feel it"
Not even the "I wont actively seek it out but if it finds me, well, it was meant to be!"

It's been 9 years since I first ate #8 5mg oxycodone pills, swiped the day my grandfather died,
squirelled away before the useless hospice lady flushed about 4g of pure oxy and over 200 other opiates and benzos
I took them all that night, deciding that I did not want to suffer through the pain of losing my favorite (and first real dealth i experienced)
coming to the conclusion that I'd rather join him in death that spend my life with the rest of the human race

luckily for me i grabbed the weakest pills he was scripted,
as if i had taken ANY of the other pills id have died that night (oxy15s, morphine 30s, 1mg xanax, among fent stuff too)

but I didn't die, I stayed up all night, at first preparing to die, then wondering if i was experiencing death, to thinking "this is it! goodbye suffering!"
and then, the peak leveled off, and for the first time, i recognized a VERY REAL effect of the drug i was unaware of:

I felt whole inside.

It wasn't just the agonizing void left by the most influential person I'd ever known and loved that was no longer PHYSICALLY eating me away from the inside
But a return of the optimism, excitement, the sheer wonder at all this world had to offer, and that it was all now a possibility for me to be a part of it
Gone was the feeling of inadequacy that  had been ground into me by teachers since i was 6 and from sadistic fucks my own age from age 11
It had been replaced by a strange new exhilerating perspective, my first experience of the emotional state known as Confidence

Fortunately I was born in the lates 80s/early 90s, so at the age of 7 I was diagnosed ADHD with Conduct Disorder tendencies
and put on a nice steady supply of adderall for one whole week, to see if id respond well
it worked fine i guess, except i wasnt ADHD, I was just very smart and wandered the room looking at posters/books/other kids work to explain how to do it

so as most of you may know, if you dont have ADHD, taking amphetamines consistently, at age 7 or 37,
is a real efficient (and euphoric!) way to induce maaaany diff kinds of psychoses, from paranoid schizophrenia to dissociative disorder and catatonia
i remember that as i walked into the psychiatrists parking lot, he came out in a rush to kneel down to me and say
"this medication is not for anyone else, its a special pill to help you fit in and feel more normal. tell your mom right away if you start to feel funny in the head"
i was puzzled as fuck and said "i feel like my head is a puzzle right now and i dont know where to start or put the pieces"
Dr. assured me in a hushing tone "well of course, thats why you came to meet me, and these little medicines will make that all go away"
he then turned to my mom, apparently unaware i could spell and had a good vocabulary, and said while watching me from the corner of his eye
"if he starts acting abnormal, irrational, or seems generally d-i-s-t-u-r-b-e-d, you need to immediately stop the medicine and call me ASAP"
the fact my mom, who was and still is a registered nurse, with a more
As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

Offline Zoops

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2016, 11:35:52 AM »
more, please. I'm on the edge of my seat!
"The future ain't what it used to be."
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"Drugs are so fucking good....that they'll ruin your life."
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Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2016, 11:45:35 AM »
fucking kidding me

i spent literally 5-6hrs tweeked out writing my fucking magnum opus to addiction, this site and all its members
im really really upset
As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

Offline Zoops

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2016, 01:02:45 PM »
Why you uspet? I liked it. It's just not finished is it?
"The future ain't what it used to be."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
- Yogi Berra

"Drugs are so fucking good....that they'll ruin your life."
- Louis C.K.

Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2016, 01:12:20 PM »
Why you uspet? I liked it. It's just not finished is it?

i spent probably 4-5hrs pouring out my heart and soul and it wiped away my life story beyond age 8
As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

Offline puppy

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2016, 01:58:23 PM »
Im with @Zoops....i am ready for more...that's sucks that you lost a lot...would you be willing to try again?

Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2016, 03:22:12 PM »
yea most likely though i couldnt commit myself to a time for it
it took me that long because it was extremely emotional and i was on a mix of things im not likely to do again
definitely one of those once in a life time experiences

is there any way I can retrieve stuff from my clipboard beyond what comes up first?
cause i saved it like that a bunch of times
also im moving this to the intro thread
it started as me posting frank zappa reading the talking asshole part of naked lunch
and it overwhelmed me so much
i was also talking to the first woman ive ever met who i have never once had to be remotely less than truthful to
no fear of judgement, no lies, no hiding who i am and what my life is
she embraces me for it, encourages me to share because she wants to know me more

i was telling zoopy in the teenychat that it was one of those once in a life-time breakthroughs
Like I had completely figured out everything and every reason I used, going back 20 of my 25 years
aside from being an interesting read I also took a lot of time to very carefully craft how I worded it


I guess what you could say the main concept I was trying to get across was that at all the critical stages of my life
all the crucial moments of emotional and social development, i was on some drug or another, and many times multiple drugs
as a result that has had a huge effect on who I am as a person, as a man of 25 years
i had to take breaks because it is hard to think, especially on memorial day
that millions of people like me gave the ultimate sacrifice, while i indulge in the ultimate escape

I'm going to stop using opiates very soon
all of the psychedelics, empathogens, entheogens, stimulants, and dissociatives ive used over the last month
has forced me into a level of consciousness I have not had to attempt in some time

I'll write more later, try and pick up where the first post left off
As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

Offline smalls

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2016, 03:55:12 PM »
Ditto Zoops and puppy. I'm eagerly awaiting part 2.

Offline Roman Totale

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2016, 04:54:39 PM »
All the greats end up losing their only manuscript at some point.  @thetalkingasshole  I not only request but demand that you type up the rest of the story; it'll probably come out better the second time around anyways.

Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2016, 06:25:30 PM »
All the greats end up losing their only manuscript at some point.  @thetalkingasshole  I not only request but demand that you type up the rest of the story; it'll probably come out better the second time around anyways.

Gladly do so and more
Just gonna need some hefty donations
I must have been dosed on almost $200 of #3 and ice this weekend
Culminating in that post

I wouldn't mind trying again next time I have a day off
I think my favorite thing to do on amps is write
As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

Offline Zoops

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2016, 06:39:57 PM »



I guess what you could say the main concept I was trying to get across was that at all the critical stages of my life
all the crucial moments of emotional and social development, i was on some drug or another, and many times multiple drugs
as a result that has had a huge effect on who I am as a person.


I don't think your experience growing up that way is unique at all. Probably pretty common for members of this forum to have had identical situations in their formative years.
I know I did. Especially when it comes to  relating with the opposite sex. All my experiences growing up with females were in a drug-altered reality.

These days, I've chilled out a lot, since I'm not smoking marijuana on a daily basis anymore. I've done a lot of self-examination through the 12 steps of AA recently, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not really such a "hell of a guy" like I like to think I am. Many people harbor an intense dislike for me. I don't know what it is.  I don't try to be a dick or asshole to anyone. I think I'm a pretty easygoing human, but many people would tend to say "fuck that guy" about me.

see? there I go again, making it about ME. lol.
"The future ain't what it used to be."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
- Yogi Berra

"Drugs are so fucking good....that they'll ruin your life."
- Louis C.K.

Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2016, 11:09:33 PM »
My greatest hope is that people might read my posts and be able to relate
As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

Offline DiacetylKineval

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2016, 02:01:26 AM »
You need a beer. And a cigarette.

Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2016, 10:33:26 AM »
You need a beer. And a cigarette.

how about a case and a carton?
As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

Offline DiacetylKineval

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Re: TheTalkingAsshole
« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2016, 08:54:20 PM »
I just got paid, your exact sentiment was my first stop

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