how would you cope if you could never have painfree sex again... TMI ahead

[skramamme (OP)]

Warning, TMI. Sorry.

I sure as hell am not posting this in the general board, obviously.

Anyway, I have some sort of automimune issue  (it's not an STI) that has resulted in  the skin of my lady bits becoming very delicate and tearing if exposed to too much friction... ie sex, masturbation etc etc.

And as I was too busy dealing with multiple surgeries between 2012-2014 plus my mum's death from preventable cancer to be keeping an eye on my privates plus I haven't been laid in 7+ years so I guess keeping on top of my health wrt my vulva wasn't a priority.

But now... well fuck, I can't even resort to sex work if I ever need it.
And I can't imagine having a relationship with someone willing to be patient and gentle enough to take their time and not hurt me. And I don't think I could have sex without pain anyway.

So I'm feeling pretty fucking shattered. I'm 44 and, while that might seem old, I had hoped once my responsibilities as a single mum were over I might have the opportunity of having a relationship. Now I can't even have a one night stand.

This is just another reason why I think suicide is the answer after my daughter grows up.

Would that be a big factor in not pursuing a long life for you guys? Would the idea of lifetime of loneliness make you wonder "why bother"?

I belong to a facebook support group for the condition, but they're all in relationships and none of them are bent so I can't say "well, I'm dealing with this on top of mental health issues and addiction issues and losing my partner to suicide and being a single mum" and so on and so forth, so I don' think any of them get how sex was like my one last thing in my life that I had that wasn't totally ruined.

Ugh, I just needed to vent to someone who might understand.

It isn't curable  but it is manageable and, from what I understand, is becoming more common, in part possibly due to our diets containing so much sugar etc.

I'm just so sad about it all and don't know where my silver lining is with my life 

[candy]

Hey there,
I just saw this and wanted to know that when I get home, I am going to respond to this properly.
I am so sorry you are going through this, and 44 is not old at all.
I am 47, so you have some time to go until old really sets in, but I understand why you feel the way you do.

I wish I could offer something right now to make you feel better right now.

I have so much more to say, but have to run, but I will be back to post again so we can get this discussion going.

Hang tight...

[skramamme (OP)]

Hey there,
I just saw this and wanted to know that when I get home, I am going to respond to this properly.
I am so sorry you are going through this, and 44 is not old at all.
I am 47, so you have some time to go until old really sets in, but I understand why you feel the way you do.

I wish I could offer something right now to make you feel better right now.

I have so much more to say, but have to run, but I will be back to post again so we can get this discussion going.

Hang tight...

Thanks Candy

[makita]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this skrammame, I remember when I was 16 I got a curable, but very tenacious and uncomfortable, STI from fucking this one dude bareback (the sex was horrible and so was he) and it took 6 months to get rid of it...during that whole time I was sore and raw and itchy and felt so awful about myself, and I also had to endure some really painful treatments before my obgyn and I figured out what worked.  It's no surprise how much self esteem relates to sexuality, and I think all the bullshit women get fed about their vag's being dirty, smelly, shaped wrong, to big or too small, etc makes for even more intense shame and bad feelings about oneself if something is wrong down there.

To answer your question, if I was already suicidal I can see how the association of sexual and genital/body shame and the logic train that leads from there to "cant ever have sex" = "will be alone forever" would make it feel like I had less reason than ever to live. 

However I wonder if there are maybe some parts of that logic train that can be questioned.  For example there is so much more widespread understanding now of things like "outercourse" (ie sex without penetration), asexuality, nonsexual bdsm, and other varied ways to be in intimate relationships....there are plenty of men/people (not sure if you're just into men) out there who would be able to be happy and satisfied in a relationship where the intimacy and/or sex looked very different than the way it's "supposed" to.  There is a lot of work in the disability rights movement being done to acknowledge the creative and nontraditional ways people with disabilities have sex. 
You could find someone who is interested in intimacy without sex (asexual or demisexual), or someone who would be fine with you doing stuff to them with your mouth and hands without having penis in vagina or PIV sex.   

In addition to that there may be treatment options you either haven't tried yet, or may be invented as time goes on--for example estrogen cream is often given to women who have thinning labial skin due to menopause.  And as for you getting off, have to tried using a large vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand, or the Lelo Smart Wand?  Those vibrators and others like it are so strong they work fine THROUGH clothing, they vibrate all the parts of the clitoris that are under the surface (you've seen the modern, full clitoris diagrams like this one: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clitoris, right?) so you wouldn't need any friction or even any contact with your skin, and you could actually put the vibrator in the crook of your leg right up against one side of your outer labia and press it into the flesh there it would vibrate your whole clit through the contact with your pubic bone.  I have an EXTREMELY sensitive clit that usually doesn't like direct touch, and this is how I get off most of the time.  The good thing about that kind of vibe is that the vibration itself helps dull any nerves that are painful or overstimulated.   Also, have you tried using a really slick lube, like something either water or silicone based, and lots of it?

I hope some of this helps.  A relationship with a sensitive caring individual who would be happy and satisfied with a creative, nontraditional sex repertoire is something totally within your reach.  I think maybe seeing a progressive, sex positive sex therapist would be a great idea to help you find ways to get back in touch with the pleasure of your body...if paraplegics or people with severe genital injuries can do it then so can you!

[Sand and Water]

If Im too late to this, just ignore k?
Candy's totally right--44 is NOT old. Honest!  Makita--god i love how you connect things. This is how i feel too. From being raped/molested age 6-12, sex HURT. Only after childbirth did it get a little better, but like M, I'm super sensitive too.

One thought I had was (& sorry if you've tried this already), there are compounding pharmacies that can make cream specifically designed to restore vaginal tissue inside and out. When i hit medical menopause, i couldn't wipe after urinating. It felt like i was scraping myself w/glass. I get a tube twice a year & use it a couple of times a week. The tissue has healed up & now i just use it preventively.

With everything you're dealing with, it's no wonder you feel like you do, but honestly makita's thoughts make perfect sense for *me*, im hoping that they help you too.

[makita]

One thought I had was (& sorry if you've tried this already), there are compounding pharmacies that can make cream specifically designed to restore vaginal tissue inside and out. When i hit medical menopause, i couldn't wipe after urinating. It felt like i was scraping myself w/glass. I get a tube twice a year & use it a couple of times a week. The tissue has healed up & now i just use it preventively.

Yes!  I was going to mention that and forgot--compounded estrogen cream is probably what S&W is talking about.  I was using it too for a little while because testosterone can have the same effect on vaginal tissue as menopause (thinning, bleeding, pain, dryness, etc).  The cream helps make those tissues thicker, better able to self lubricate, therefore less oversensitive to pain and friction. 

I still have the cream but I don't really use it anymore...I still like some vag penetration at times but for me the main event is up the butt.  No one I've slept with seems to have a problem with that...

[candy]

I have yet to really discuss how painful sex is for me at the age I am now.
It doesn't last the whole time during penetration, just a minute or two when my man enters me.
He is such a kind man. Very patient and willing to try other ways to get off that pleases us both.

Lately, I have been having problems urinating and I am so worried that I am going to leak during sex.
It has not happened, but because I am constantly having to pee, I worry that I may pee on my man.
I swear getting old and having medical issues can really put a fucking damper on your sex life.

I know this is late coming Skramamme, but don't let this bring you to a place where you feel like suicide is he only answer.
Seek out treatment options that are new or discuss options with your doctor.
Are you seeing a Gynecologist for this problem or an Endocrinologist?

I can sympathize with your pain, both emotionally and physically, but there has to be something that can help and allow you to have pain free sex without worry.
I know the ladies can all relate to what you are experiencing, but don't let your age be a factor in giving up on trying to heal.
I have known couples in their 70's who had great sex and just learned how to adjust when things did not always work.

I wish I had some magical answer, but your life matters and don't give up on finding a way to fix this problem.