Could use some advice

[Sand and Water (OP)]

Hey all, I could use some advice or ideas about a family situation that happened recently.

The long and short of it is, one of my brothers got hurt at work--he's a CO and from what I understand, a fight broke out and he fell and hit his head on concrete/metal stairs. He doesn't remember the accident at all. It was scary b/c he ended up in the ICU for a short time. He's ok now, but has a new diagnosis of diabetes (his a1c was almost 10!), so as St Theresa pointed out to me in a PM, Im looking at it as a blessing in disguise. Thanks again St T

A lot of my family are spread all over the state, so I had no problem having folks stay at my house. The problems that I ran into were they don't all get along. To the point of tension you could cut with a knife. My brothers wife is a super strong personality (she's bossed him around for years lol). The problem is, my *other* brother doesn't take any crap from anybody. Now this is just one example, but its sorta the same "theme" every time: my sister in law truly doesn't mean any harm, she just likes to give her opinion..a lot. Im not being mean, its just her personality to talk and talk and talk. My other brother who was also staying with me hates for anyone (even my kid who he adores), to talk to him until he's had at least two big cups of coffee. He's not a dyed in the wool sexist, but he has his moments when he can act like "me Tarzan, you Jane", so when they were in the same room, it was like oil & water at times.

So, even though sister-in-law KNOWS how he is in the morning, she just plows through & starts telling him how very bad creamer is for him (he's diabetic too), how he should be exercising more, blah blah blah. Every stinking day.  She did it with everyone; for me it was "you should tell your dr to increase you're medicine, look at you limping" etc. At first I put it down to her being really stressed b/c hey her husbands in the hospital, but even after he was discharged, it continued. And tbh, it's always been like this, just never under these circumstances.

I tried to distract her, change the subject/just nod and smile, and eventually told her flat out "look, this is *my* house--I don't want you to "help me" by rearranging my cupboards" etc. But she never seems to hear it when someone nicely asks her to back off. In fact, when she kept telling my other brother what he should/shouldn't eat, etc., she was like "you're a nurse, tell him Im right!"  Like I'm gonna get in the middle of that lol.

It got to the point where I started making excuses to drive to the hospital on my own b/c she'd gotten really demanding with the staff & I knew she just couldn't see that she was making a scary & trying situation worse than it already was. After he was moved from the ICU, it was plain embarrassing. She and my other brother had two huge arguments and though she views it as "it's just my Irish temper", he is really pissed. He told me he wouldn't be coming for Thanksgiving if she was going to be here too.

So, what should I do to try to heal this? What could/should I have done different with them both in the house?  It's weird b/c we're all adults, but I felt like a freakin referee if that makes sense. I hate the idea of us all not being able to get together for the holidays. She's not a bad person; she's just not able to help herself (I think).
How do y'all handle situations like this when one person just sorta takes over & people start getting angry at everyone for stupid stuff?

Sorry this is long, but Im really bummed about it all & appreciate any suggestions y'all might have.

[candy]

Man, family issues just suck all around.
Not the best advice, I know. Dealing with shit myself.

I do think that when someone is in your home, they should respect how you live and not invade your space, especially if they are rearranging your cupboards.
I would just let them know that they are welcome to stay as long as they cut the shit out. If they cannot respect your home and your wishes, within reason, then find another place to crash.

I can't even have my sister at my home because she goes through my things and comments on food I eat, just about everything I do.
I know she is concerned for my health, but I keep myself pretty healthy and try to treat my health issues naturally without pharms.

I wish I had more advice for you, but the one thing I won't stand for is when people are in my home and they try and take over.
I can deal with the brother having to have a few cups of coffee in the a.m. I am not a morning person myself and it takes some time before I am ready to talk to anyone, but the sister n' law, well she has to respect you and your home.
I am not sure if she is that way all the time or just under pressure, but just let them know how you feel and what they do with that is not your concern.
If anything I have learned from my recent family issues...Take care of myself first. I can't be good for anyone unless I am good to myself.

Of course there are times when we must put our feelings aside...I am sure you know that, but with the family at your home, you just have to be honest.

I wish I had better advice, but this is all I have right now. I am still trying to work out the bullshit with my family and it is still drama and chaos.

Maybe we can chat if you like. Commiserate about our family troubles.

Hang in there and I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I hope he is doing better and adjusting to life as a diabetic.

[puppy]

       I keep forgetting to check here for new threads so sorry...
       Damn Sand...so sorry for all you're going through...I hope things have gotten better? Would love an update...
       I have several relatives like you describe...and sad to say I no longer speak to them or avoid at all cost...I know this doesn't help...have you ever sat her down one on one and try to discuss this with her? Has anyone ever just gone ballistic on her?
       I spend my Thanksgivings alone because of family...my husband and boys go out of state to his family and I no longer to because of all the BullShit...I chose no put up with it so just stay home...
       

       

[skramamme]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I'm glad your brother is ok.

I am not very close to my family and just stay away, I hardly even do xmas (my poor daughter doesn't like that- she loves my family).
So aside from moving far away and avoiding everyone IDK what else to suggest.

Is it possible to talk to you SIL and calmly explain the issue or is she the sort to just brush that sort of stuff off? Could your brother talk to her, to ask her to tone it down a notch? What about asking your other brother to try and take the high road just for the holidays?

Let us know how it goes

Em xox

[Sand and Water (OP)]

I am sorry I didn't check this sooner. I didn't see any replies for awhile, so I stopped looking cuz it's been nuts lately  So here's the update before the update on SIL lol:

Long & short--had to quickly try to get to Denver for my mom last month-i think this was during the elections--all my dates except Veterans Day are blurry  (*still* thanking God for suboxistute). Seriously y'all sub went above & beyond & I found a GREAT price i could afford.
-veterans day -- my daughters horse died suddenly during a lesson (poor kid on him got a broken leg). Two days later daughter in car accident (deer ran out in front of her & she wound up in ditch), so been spending 2hrs each way getting her home for PT job & going up for body/repair estimates. They fixed radiated etc so she could safely drive home yesterday--car *should* be finished by wed afternoon. So glad cuz pain reached barf levels last Monday lol

Candy--that sucks that she goes thru your things--i caught the "don't talk to me before my coffee brother" doing it once when daughter was a toddler. Tore him a new one (usually he bosses me around cuz he's big brother). As far as i *know* he's not done it again (or is much more stealthy lol). I HATE that--home is sanctuary. But you're totally right--it was stressful to have folks in my house like that & it wasn't til they were gone that i realized I'd been so busy worrying about them i didn't remember me. She's like this a the time - "take charge", which is ok like when there's a get together etc, Im happy banding out plates etc, but she was 100x worse. I think as much as she bosses my brother around, she was really scared & maybe it amplified it??

So, since just avoided & tried to play peacekeeper, i can't really be all martyr like BUT when he was discharged from hospital, I've done what puppy & you & skrammame said & calmly talked w/her. I explained that I got it about her being scared & stressed w/him when accident happened, BUT holidays are really important and that EVERYBODY counts.

She's agreed that if I see her going too far, Im allowed (i know, but had to let her think its her idea) to gently remind her. She knows if she doesn't listen, i will loudly say "hey B, time to go have a cig, yeah?"  Got my other brother to agree to come by appealing to my daughter wanting to see him so bad (she hasn't seen him since Christmas except real quick at hospital). Fingers crossed everybody cuz to be real honest, all the driving 2+ hrs each way since a week ago Friday has out me in a perpetual flare up & just can't tolerate more.

I don't expect everybody to be the Walton's, but i want what I'm used to--making a nice meal & people happily groaning cuz their sooo full & conking out while TV on football NOT people yelling and snarling at each other; it got pretty ugly lol. I'll be super po'd if that happens cuz i cook from scratch (well mostly) dammit!

Thanks so much for the replies--they're very helpful & great tips to remember, even now. Candy, yes, I'd like that. I've been hoping you're as ok as YOU can be--family issues just suck. Give a holler anytime--daughter home this weekend, but if you email me it'll chime even when I'm not on board. (Anybody else feel free to of course!)

Thanks very much again  hope everybody is having a great weekend.
PS i think this is nationwide as my mom in Denver told me & i got it too--for those who do Butterball, Targets got them for .99 a pound!!  (yep i take my turkey seriously lol)