My body is finally fighting back. - urgent

[sk8phaze]

This is what harm reduction is all about, get a ct scan or an ekg or whatever you have to do, we've all lost way to many good people and we don't want you to be the next one. Please be safe and take care.

[Daughter of Dionysus]

Wow Ryan
I'm REALLY worried about you

If you want to continue your current drug regime
Please do so without the needles

We never interacted on the phile
But I remember you

Glad you made it here

Stay safe

Sorry I have no helpful advice

[Anti-hero]

Ryan
you know you can go to the hospital and give a fake name to at least get a idea abot the numbness it could be your brain giving you a mini stroke when you I.V or a sign that one more shot could trigger a full stroke
Please Take care of your self I am glad you found your way here

[The Ryan (OP)]

Hospital ain't happening, it just isn't, not unless something like the other day happens again.

Yea yea, I know next time could be the last time, but I'm not using needles again, at least for a very long time.

People have put up with a lot more than one month of meth abuse and lived to tell the tale. Right now I'm only taking a puff of meth when the brain zaps start, I got more benzos today so hopefully those will help the zaps and I won't have to use much meth. 4 days ago if I had a gram of meth it woulda all up my veins in 12 hours. This gram I got over 24 hours ago I still have over .75 left.

Only way I'm seeing a doc is if I have an experience like the other day again. I really should/want to go to the ER but As soon as they see Amps and Benzos and god know what else in my system they will flag and discharge me and tell me to stop taking amps.

The only thing that bothers me is my mom died a couple years ago out of nowhere  from some genetic heart disorder where she was missing some valve or some shit like that. my sister was able to grab a ultrasound to see if she had it and she was in the clear but I was never able to get one before insurance cut out. If I ever feel like that again I will call 911. Till then I can't put all this out in the open.

I got a few days off this week so I may try the fake name thing, but the incident was days ago now. So idk what they could really do.

I'm typically pretty resilient to this shit but I do not have a ton of experience with amps, before the meth it was a month long IV cocaine binge, not the first coke binge either, and I've shot my fair share of other various uppers, just never meth. I think it was just a panic attack, I had no Benzos on me at the time, was accross town, and the lightheaded feeling just triggered something.

I'll keep y'all posted, glad I found this spot. Knew you fuckers were lurking about somewhere, dunno what happened over on the Phile but I'm glad something is available. I'll be around.

[Opus]

Don't kid yourself man, perfectly healthy people DO drop from tweak, just like with coke.

I get it, I've been there with that shit - when I first discovered speed I thought it was the greatest fucking thing EVER. I probably would have gone even harder on the shit if people were smoking it back then.

Just don't think bad things don't happen to people who "appear" healthy, cos they do happen, you just don't hear about it much..

Be safe yo, sounds to me like your body is telling you something..

/my $.02

[Chip]

and injecting just opens your body right up as you bypass the normal filters.

every shot carries risk. be sterile, smart and tidy.

I'd lob onto ER without fail and admit nothing, but get it seen to. please. get help.

[The Ryan (OP)]

Pretty much just typing this cuz I need to talk to someone and everyone I know is asleep, and a quick update on my situation.

I am still using meth daily, smoking it. I have cut back A LOT. I am doing now in a day what I was doing in two hours, prolly about 4-7 half a point bowls a day, I did slip up and do one shot but only once. I'm pretty happy about that, I don't even smoke weed anymore, just my bupe and benzos as always.

Work is going great, life seems pretty ok other than the meth. I feel like if I could stop using tina I would almost be like a normal person. I am even gaining back some of the weight I lost in my first couple weeks of usage, I've always been skinny as a stick, I'm 6'2" and the most I have ever weighed is 135, I got down to 116 at the worst, and I just weighed in at 121!

I am however an emotional wreck on the inside despite my outside happy demeanor, I just realized I still love my ex, like, so, fucking, much. I miss having someone to talk to. I hang out with people, but I'd never talk to them if we didn't get high together.

This all started when a mutual friend of ours told me that she admitted to him that she still loves me. Before that, I rarely thought of her, I was too busy hanging out with massive doses of meth, I thought I had moved on.

But I miss her so much, her smell, her laugh, her craziness, her needy bullshit, all of it. She was the only person I've ever loved, ever. I have to see her almost every day at work, and see her get hurt by other guys who don't give give a shit about any part of her but her vagina.

We haven't even spoken since we broke up except like, necessities at work, and even then it's one word and mostly she gets other people to speak to me for her, it's killing me. I want to talk to her so bad but she's always with these fucking idiot people I work with who are just the run-of-mill, gossip hungry, partying, think they are god's gift to earth, fucks.

Which makes me even more mad because when we were together we rarely got to hang out between work, her kids, her parents not wanting her to be with someone because she had just called off a marriage, point is, we didn't see each other much, but she makes time for these fucking bitches who don't give a damn about her and these guys who just want to stick their fucking dick in her. I was working almost twice as many hours when we were together because work was short staffed but still.

I want to knock some sense into her (not literally, just make her understand). Tell her these guys will not fill whatever void it is she is trying to fill, tell her she doesn't need these people, that she has someone who would do anything for her.

More importantly, I'd like her to knock some sense into me, the only time in the past 8 years I have not gotten high every single day was when I was with her, I still took my bupe and benzos but that goes without saying, and neither even come close to getting me high. I need her to fucking tell me to grow a pair of balls and get off the fucking meth. I need to cry on her shoulder and explain how I've been slowly (maybe not as slow as I think) killing myself with speedballs, IV crack, and methamphetamine since we broke up. But I don't know if she would understand, she probably thinks "why did I ever date some sick, disgusting 120 pound tweaker junkie loser.

She is doing almost the same shit though, she needs to constantlyl be in a (new, honeymoon phase) relationship in order to mask her feelings, I need to constantly be high on hard drugs to mask mine.

Fucking mess right? Sorry for the book, I'm not as depressed as this post makes me sound, but I do love that girl more than anything in this whole wide world, and it fucking kills me knowing she cried over a fucking piece of shit who didn't even care about her.

Ugh, I have to stop.

Goodnight, I broke my fucking pipe tonight, moved with it in my hand and it smacked against something and the bowl part shattered, so pissed, so I'm gonna go by a new one tomorrow.

So at least I have a nice clean, shiny, new meth pipe to look forward to, eh?

[Sand and Water]

Hey Ryan--going to send you an email in a bit, but hope you're getting some sleep right now.  In the meantime, please stop calling yourself a loser & all the other stuff, k? 

You have deep feelings for someone who seems to have her own "stuff", - it sucks, but doesn't mean YOU suck too k?  Hang in there, I remember how much you helped me by generously sharing info & your time on the other site. You're anything *but* some "lowlife loser"!

[Z]

Why buy a new one?  Seems like a good excuse to put down the pipe to me.

Not forever, but take a 3 day break and see what happens.  Maybe you will feel better.  If not, you can always buy a new pipe then.

[nick]

Ryan bro,with respect,you need to be telling her all that not us.

Luck with it.

[The Ryan (OP)]

Ryan bro,with respect,you need to be telling her all that not us.

Luck with it.

Don't know if I could do it. Definitely not at work.

Don't even like to think about that convo.

And z, close to a quarter in my pocket so that's not gonna happen lol

[Chip]

I'm on pipe #6

[The Ryan (OP)]

I'm on pipe #6

Yea I bought 2 the other day, already broke one of them. Lol. It was hell trying to find a store that had them but I ended up finding them at a head shop only 5 minutes down the road, they don't have em on display you have to actually ask for them, they are behind the counter.

I need a torch also, or refillable lighter at least. I literally am going through a Bic lighter almost every day, so annoying, that shit adds up. The torches melt your dope so quick though you gotta be careful not to burn your shit, definitely would not recommend a torch to someone till they figured out how the stuff burns and how to treat it.

The little round candles work well when at home and save a lot of fuel.

[Chip]

I use a gas stove lighter and aim for vapeing at sub-burn temps, rocking the pipe too, it's tricky and beats injecting, so there are some benefits.

just by using only once per week for the most part, I then live an otherwise normal life; that's my optimal frequency.

what it is, it's a bit of crystal "chipping", by another name 

crystal chip. says "slow down, bro'"

[Jega]

I use a gas stove lighter and aim for vapeing at sub-burn temps, rocking the pipe too, it's tricky and beats injecting, so there are some benefits.

just by using only once per week for the most part, I then live an otherwise normal life; that's my optimal frequency.

what it is, it's a bit of crystal "chipping", by another name 

crystal chip. says "slow down, bro'"

If you're only using once a week keep it up! There are a lot of people on Meth that would kill for that self control!

[Zoops]

Me, ME? Well, I just finished off the second of two 24oz steel Reserve 211's (8.1% alc/vol beer for you non-us type people), and that's after drinking up 3lb worth of PST, with a second wash, giving a total volume of 3qts. (0.75gal).

THEN, I made a Kraft Mac-n-Cheese dinner, added in a can of tuna fish, and ate that fucker right up. Thinkin of going down to the 7-11 now to bum a couple smokes and maybe buy a beer...

Can't wait till Thursday when I next get $$.

- Zoops out.