Just a question

[skramamme]

Sory Hero1, this doesn't answer your questions specifically but some of these comments just ugh, make me so mad.

My partner (my fucking soul mate) killed himself when I was pregnant with our only child 11 years ago and he wasn't selfish- he was sick.
Depression is an illness that can be fucking crippling, just as goddamn debilitating as physical illnesses can be.

His suicide absolutely fucked me up, but I get why he did it and I have also felt as if the greatest gift I could give my loved ones is to release them from having me as a burden in their lives when I have been in the grips of my depression... that's how you see it when you're in the pit. So don't talk about selfish this and selfish that- a person's mind isn't working properly when they are suicidal FFS.

I have an 11 year old and I am a fucking recluse because of my anxiety- you think it's good for her? I didn't expect my illness to get this bad and I sure as shit didn't expect my partner to gas himself when I was 4 months pregnant but it is what it is and I deal with it as best I can.
 
I am pretty confident that I will end my life when my beautiful daughter has moved out and has a fulfilled, adult life.
Why? Because my bipolar II and depression keeps coming back and I am already in my mid 40's.
And, unfortunately, all the meds and therapy in the world aren't preventing repeated depressive episodes and I can't live a fully functioning, happy life as a result (or hold down a proper job, or have a social life etc etc etc).

And FTR, how fucking selfish is it of you (general you) to expect someone to hang around hating their lives simply because you can't handle missing someone? Isn't that selfish too? Putting your feels before their chance at peace?

And as for the inevitable "you shouldn't have had a kid if you think like that" comments;
I didn't think I could fall pregnant, I was 34 years old and when my partner killed himself and I didn't have a termination because I had a breakdown and was incapable of making any sort of decision like that.
Plus, when my daughter came into my world she gave me a reason to keep going.

But she wont always be here, so I am ok with the use by date coming up.

It doesn't help that I didn't get a proper diagnosis until my kid was around 7 years old, so I didn't realise I had issues that getting my shit together wouldn't fix (ie, getting clean, moving to a better area etc... I thought that would solve the problems but it didn't).
I didn't realise this shit was for life.

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision and all that... would I have had my daughter if I had the chance over again? Maybe (she's fucking awesome and I love her so goddamn much it scares me sometimes) but maybe not, because my MI is hard on her too and she didn't ask for that.

Honestly, what are you supposed to do if the symptoms keep getting worse as you age? Drag your sorry arse through another 30 years of life feeling hopeless, isolated and miserable with chronic anxiety to spare other people feeling sad for a little while? Fuck that noise.

[Chip]

<snip>
I am pretty confident that I will end my life when my beautiful daughter has moved out and has a fulfilled, adult life.
Why? Because my bipolar II and depression keeps coming back and I am already in my mid 40's.
And, unfortunately, all the meds and therapy in the world aren't preventing repeated depressive episodes and I can't live a fully functioning, happy life as a result (or hold down a proper job, or have a social life etc etc etc).

<snip>

Please don't be such a fatalist but if that's your plan then PLEASE revisit this thread and contact me, WELL BEFORE you take any action.

Things will change, NEVER forget that.

LIFE, fleeting as it is, is still PRECIOUS. it took me a couple of attempts at my own life to appreciate that.

[makadone7dayz3]

If your single and unattached then i think you have a right to kill yourself. [if i were to factor in my religious beliefs, i would say noone ever has a right to take their own life because your life is mot your own]. If you have any kids or people who depend on you for care, then you dont get to kill yourself. I think you never stop being a parent, so once you have kids you cant kill yourself.

Killing yourself when you have young children is one of the most selfish acts i can think of.

[Elevated]

I just really wish I knew what happened when you die.  That would solve so many problems.

[Zoops]

I just really wish I knew what happened when you die.  That would solve so many problems.

Part of the design is that we don't get to know that. But there are tons and tons of NDE reports of things. Look up the book "Proof of Heaven," by Eben Alexander, MD. Not a religious book by any stretch.

[Elevated]

I just really wish I knew what happened when you die.  That would solve so many problems.

Part of the design is that we don't get to know that. But there are tons and tons of NDE reports of things. Look up the book "Proof of Heaven," by Eben Alexander, MD. Not a religious book by any stretch.

I understand that and I understand I will most likely never fully understand what happens after death until it happens to me (and even then, I might not understand it because I might not be there to understand it) - it's just a wish.

As for NDEs, I've read up on them a bit - but I just don't buy that if someone can be brought back that they were ever really dead to begin with.  Doesn't make them uninteresting or anything, I just don't think it's a full "death" experience.

[Chip]

i support euthanasia BECAUSE it's all about timing.

get your affairs in order, slowly peel off and remove all the various social circle layers of your life.

slowly drugged off to death, hoping to return again one day.

by demand.

Suicide is just lose-lose, i now see it as.

[corlene]

@elevated,

I've been dead for over 45 seconds. I didn't see a light at the end of a tunnel.
I had no pulse, 0 blood pressure, obviously no respiratory action.

I was shocked 4 times, when I woke up 3 days later my sternum and 9 ribs were broken from the chest compressions.

Not fun, especially waking up and trying to rip the breathing tube and urinary cat out at the same time.

[Riddick">Riddick]

@elevated,

I've been dead for over 45 seconds. I didn't see a light at the end of a tunnel.
I had no pulse, 0 blood pressure, obviously no respiratory action.

I was shocked 4 times, when I woke up 3 days later my sternum and 9 ribs were broken from the chest compressions.

Not fun, especially waking up and trying to rip the breathing tube and urinary cat out at the same time.

I definitely wanna know what happened now...Car wreck or a savage beating?

[corlene]

Stroke.

[Riddick">Riddick]

Stroke.

Right. Well, if you need help, in whatever fashion, pm me.

[corlene]

Thanks for the offer. Suprisingly the only lasting effect from that is a shake in my left hand that isn't noticeable unless I stick out both hands and you compare them.

I lucked out on that one. Apparently it was caused by traveling on planes for extended times, all the pressure and such dislodged a clot in a leg or something.

[Riddick">Riddick]

Thanks for the offer. Suprisingly the only lasting effect from that is a shake in my left hand that isn't noticeable unless I stick out both hands and you compare them.

I lucked out on that one. Apparently it was caused by traveling on planes for extended times, all the pressure and such dislodged a clot in a leg or something.

Your doctor said the leg-clot was dislodged by traveling in a airplane?

[corlene]

That's what the neurologist suspected at the time, or at the very least caused them to form.

[makita]

Wow so much raw pain in this thread.  I admire all of you for your honesty.

I agree with what skramamme said about how a suicidal person's brain is broken and they are not capable of thinking clearly, or foreseeing the pain and trauma of others who may be dependent on them.  This is not a great example but sometimes I think about it like how you can have these great lofty plans and reasons to quit, but then when you're really dope sick all of those things can seem unreal, or less important, than your current agony.  It's not at all logical and that is the point--very few people who are suicidally depressed or for other mental illness reasons are capable of seeing their situation logically while in the depths of their pain (as opposed to those who have made a conscious, planned decision to die). 

I also think there's a difference between suicidal depression or transitory suicidal thinking, and people who have recurring mental illness and have made a conscious planned decision to die that makes sense to them when they are NOT in the throes of their illness.

I dont know you well enough to think which of those you fall under, skramamme; it sounds like there are some aspects of your plans that are thought out over the long term, and others that may be distorted...Like the idea that there is some threshold your daugher can pass after which she would be safe from the trauma of her mother's suicide, and would merely grieve for you like any other normal death, instead of being shattered by it.  That seems like something you tell yourself when you don't feel you have a choice in the matter. 

So what seems like a clear and matter of fact situation on the surface may be filled with the same uncertainty, fear, and regret on the inside that is so upsetting for people in the middle of an irrational suicidal cycle.

I think its likely that your daughter alreadys feels on some unconscious level what you're feeling and planning.  And I don't say that to make you feel guilty at all, but just to acknowledge that you can't be holding something this huge and not have it be present in that relationship in some way.  Its like how the kids always start acting out when the parents are getting a divorce, even if they haven't been told yet, and then when finally its explained to them they calm down because all the tension and anxiety in the house makes sense finally.  The problem with never acknowledging the elephant in the room is the kid starts to think she's the one with the trunk.  Maybe as she grows a different way of holding onto these feelings will become possible for both of you, and that release of pressure and loneliness could be a tremendous relief.

No matter what I have huge respect for your time and your commitment to your daughter, and I would never call you selfish.  Most parents have no idea what you've gone through and what it took to keep you from losing it already. 

I hope when she grows up maybe something will have shifted for you, but if it hasn't, I'm sure you will ultimately do the best you can for your daughter and also for yourself.  People who kill themselves are almost always doing the best they can, even if it doesn't seem like that from the outside. 

[Daughter of Dionysus]

Stroke.

Right. Well, if you need help, in whatever fashion, pm me.

Well that was
The post I have ever seen you make