Depression is like fragging yourself

[Riddick">Riddick]

Im only imagining. But Im seeing it through your eyes and imagining the child as my own. That is rough man. If it helps at all, statistically the chances of her being the "perfect one" for you are like zero.

[Jega (OP)]

Im only imagining. But Im seeing it through your eyes and see the child as my own. That is rough man. If it helps at all, statistically the chances of her being the "perfect one" for you are like zero.

When she told me she was pregnant I had only small request: That she not name him after me. I mean why why she really. Let's be real here.But I just couldn't have taken it.

[Lolleedee]

Hey, Jega!  I can "hear" the pain in your voice and I am so sorry that you are hurting.  I'm sorry if I missed part of the story, but is this YOUR child, or is this the other guy's child?  I'm sure you probably don't want to write the whole background of your relationship down, but if you do, I'd be more than happy to listen.

I have no great wisdom or words of advice for a broken heart...I wish I did.  I do hope that you can find your way out of the darkness that is depression.  I know posting about it won't solve anything, but maybe it will be cathartic....

[Jega (OP)]

Hey, Jega!  I can "hear" the pain in your voice and I am so sorry that you are hurting.  I'm sorry if I missed part of the story, but is this YOUR child, or is this the other guy's child?  I'm sure you probably don't want to write the whole background of your relationship down, but if you do, I'd be more than happy to listen.

I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to do the whole back story right now but [i'm trying to leave names out of it] but the child she had with him 2 years is their child. I'm depressed but i'm not delusional. It is their son.

I don't know if this will make any sense but we were supposed to be together and we were supposed to have to have a child. A baby boy.

I know you say of there are a million women out there. You'll be fine. But you don't hear is I don't want to hear that, and her and was supposed to with me happen.

[Riddick">Riddick]

If you dont want to hear that and you dont seem to want to get over her, then what you gonna do? I guess holding on to what could-of-been is closer to having her than forgetting but how long you prepared to do that for?

[Narkotikon]

I'm sorry you're currently depressed, Jega.  I hope you start to feel better soon. 

[Chip]

this too shall pass ... it shall take time.

I always think that if someone rejects me then it's over.

I learned that by operating by yourself, you need to work had at finding friends and partners ... it can be done.

the best thing you can do is be a friend and be there, keeping the door ajar but please don't keep on investing in this emotionally as it will hold you back.

that romantic nature of yours and a sincere desire for the right partner, are all good things.

as long as you start to or keep on socializing, you improve the odds.

There is some nice lady out there just waiting for a guy like you ... the trick is to find them.

dating is a numbers game. please do not give up hope.

dust yourself off and aim at putting yourself out there.

[Anti-hero]

In my humble opinion, you clearly cant let this girl go even though its been 8 years. So I'd say, fuck if she is with someone or has anything inside her belly. You gotta go and tell her how you feel about or else this seems like something that will haunt you forever. Just my opinion.

She has a family now. She has a son with a man who is not me now. Over the years i've come to the realization that I will always love Laura. Not everyone get's their princess. She is my princess. But i'm the only one saying that's a bad thing. It's dealing with it that becomes the issue. And that's not an easy issue.

Its been 8 effin years bro. At what point does it become an excuse to use?

Once again
NOT COOL RIDDICK
If I was to lose DoD
The pines I would be forever
I totally get it Jega
But do you think that maybe you are
Shutting yourself out of some one
That dances to your tune better.
You are a great insightful guy.
Excuse to use
How bout one not to.
Some souls are just not ment for this mortal coil

[Jega (OP)]

this too shall pass ... it shall take time.

I always think that if someone rejects me then it's over.

I learned that by operating by yourself, you need to work had at finding friends and partners ... it can be done.

the best thing you can do is be a friend and be there, keeping the door ajar but please don't keep on investing in this emotionally as it will hold you back.

that romantic nature of yours and a sincere desire for the right partner, are all good things.

as long as you start to or keep on socializing, you improve the odds.

There is some nice lady out there just waiting for a guy like you ... the trick is to find them.

dating is a numbers game. please do not give up hope.

dust yourself off and aim at putting yourself out there.

I don't even think I know how to put myself out there anymore

If I was to lose DoD
The pines I would be forever
I totally get it Jega
But do you think that maybe you are
Shutting yourself out of some one
That dances to your tune better.
You are a great insightful guy.
Excuse to use
How bout one not to.
Some souls are just not ment for this mortal coil

Not everyone get's their princess. I just have no idea how to deal with that. I medicate myself enough to not feel because feeling is too painful.

[Daughter of Dionysus]

this too shall pass ... it shall take time.

I always think that if someone rejects me then it's over.

I learned that by operating by yourself, you need to work had at finding friends and partners ... it can be done.

the best thing you can do is be a friend and be there, keeping the door ajar but please don't keep on investing in this emotionally as it will hold you back.

that romantic nature of yours and a sincere desire for the right partner, are all good things.

as long as you start to or keep on socializing, you improve the odds.

There is some nice lady out there just waiting for a guy like you ... the trick is to find them.

dating is a numbers game. please do not give up hope.

dust yourself off and aim at putting yourself out there.

I don't even think I know how to put myself out there anymore

If I was to lose DoD
The pines I would be forever
I totally get it Jega
But do you think that maybe you are
Shutting yourself out of some one
That dances to your tune better.
You are a great insightful guy.
Excuse to use
How bout one not to.
Some souls are just not ment for this mortal coil

Not everyone get's their princess. I just have no idea how to deal with that. I medicate myself enough to not feel because feeling is too painful.

I was just saying that I feel you
Not wanting to feel what you feel.
Saying you are handling it better then me

[Jega (OP)]

I was just saying that I feel you
Not wanting to feel what you feel.
Saying you are handling it better then me

I'm not sure I am.

[Illadelph215]

Jega- You mentioned you talk to her a couple times a year so I'm assuming you still have a friendship. Keep it this was. Let her know that you care for her and will always be there for her. She will still be in your life and as Chipper mentioned you will have your foot in the door if anything were to happen. Plus you will have piece of mind that she's not gone, you still are in her life, but it's just not that kind of relationship anymore. It's a hard I know and a lot of this is easier said then done which I'm aware of especially not being in your shoes, but it's how it is. It's not healthy to view this as it's better to love her from afar and dream of her then to just let her go. As hard as it is you need to realize that what you two had, though as beautiful as it was is over. Be thankful that you have had a love like that and it's not tarnished enough to where you can't talk to her anymore. You can't keep living for her though. You need to do what's best for yourself and self loathing over a girl who has moved on and made a family is going to continue to be very detrimental to your health. I don't want to sound harsh because I soley am looking out for your best interest here. My advice would be to pack up everything you have for her or from her whether it be objects or thoughts and store them away. Talk her those few times a year and keep in touch, but ultimitely you need to do you. Work on yourself for awhile to where you can love yourself again. Not saying you don't know but from my time here, though I don't know you I can tell you are a very smart and unique individual. That is the man your ex fell in love with and you need to find him again but without her. Get out, do activities whether their are past things you enjoyed or new ones. Volunteer or join a club, exercise and join a gym. Once you start getting out more and start getting back to being you and the best you it will all work itself out. There are tons of wonderful, smart, single women out there but you just have to get back to being comfortable, confident, and happy with yourself and the situations with present themselves for you. I know this is all easier said then done but I have been in similar shoes then you and you can do it. Start having some Jega time and getting comfortable being solo and girl's are going to come out of the woodwork wanting to better themselves with you as their wingman. Hope this helps and like most of the fine people here pm me if you need anything man, even if it's just an ear.

[Riddick">Riddick]

Fill your hand with a nutsack and tell this girl how it is. If that doesnt work then try that yoga gym shit.

[Jega (OP)]

I'm going to bump my own thread because A) It's my thread, B) It's about the same general topic, and C) I don't want to make another depression thread.

Last night I had a very bad dream. And first off No, Laura wasn't in it. None of this is about her. But it was a very bad, depressing dream. After about 20 minutes I couldn't remember exactly what it was about but the feelings of deep deep depression stuck with me. I honestly can't remember the last time I was as depressed as I was early this morning.

So I did what most of us do when we feel very down--I went looking for chemical relief. I didn't have a ton to use but I took a bunch of Gabapentin and A few of the Alprazolam that I am extremely quickly running out of.

Still not feeling good and knowing there is no weed in the house I went searching anyway. And low and behold I realized I could refill my Tramadol! So of course that’s exactly what I did and waited there till it was filled. It’s only Tramadol but fuck, I’m simply that desperate.

And to say this level of depression started today wouldn’t be accurate. I really started to notice this was a serious problem yesterday afternoon. I considered checking myself back into the hospital but I don’t honestly think it would help. It’s essentially comfortable prison. And I like being able to eat when I want. I like being able to take my medicine when I want—and as much as I feel I need. I would only go back into the hospital if I thought I was a threat to myself or others. I’m not there yet.

I’ll be honest, I do have days I wish I just wouldn’t wake up, but that’s not today. This isn’t exactly this type of depression. I think categorizing depression into a single category is a massive mistake. This is I want to curl up in a ball and cry depression. This is seemingly hopeless depression.

And frankly can you blame me? For the last several months my depression and panic attacks have been absolutely out of control and the only things that have helped have, let’s be honest, and have doped me up. And while I enjoy the feeling of being doped up that doesn’t fix the problem. I’ve been on easily over a dozen different medications and over and over I get nowhere.

I think the Tramadol is the only thing that got me out of that funk this morning. That feeling of no hope. And it’s hard not having any money for cigarettes. Having to go to food banks. Having to call catholic charities. Having to argue with the gas company to apply the credit that the state says we have been approved for. Not seeing a way out…it’s hard. It’s depressing.

I need something to go right in my life. I need some light at the end of the tunnel. And not hypothetical light. Not oh I hope this happens but some really honest to God progress in the right direction and I can take care of my father and I. That life won’t be so hard anymore. Today isn’t my best day.

[Chip]

hang in there Jega.

I also fight depression as an unemployed addict (and a part time tweaker) that lives largely on his own - both drug induced and natural ... my bipolar meds don't work well, either.

I understand how it feels but the hope of happier times keeps me going and it's not easy, I get that.

Let's see if tomorrow throws up a better day.