i was raised in dallas texas uh in the 80s i was a child of the 80s i was born in 1977
0:099 seconds but uh if any chicks ask i m only 35 i had a pretty awful childhood my father was uh
0:1717 seconds an abusive drunken member of the irish mob uh he was a teamster uh therefore under rico investigation for most of the 80s i
0:2626 seconds had no clue didn t know what any of that was uh i knew that once when i was nine years old he hit me in the face with the crescent wrench and told me i was never
0:3434 seconds going to be [ __ ] because i left the cap off the toothpaste uh i ve spent uh the last few years trying to prove him [ __ ] right
0:4343 seconds i grew up pat uh until three years ago four years ago i don t know time is weird
0:5050 seconds i was over 300 pounds had been under 200 since i was 12.
0:5555 seconds uh hardly enough also 12 was when the sexual abuse from a babysitter started so i don t know maybe two plus two
1:021 minute, 2 seconds correlation doesn t always equal causation but it can uh and then uh i i
1:111 minute, 11 seconds danced with drugs my whole life i i do a little bit of coke you know i i had a chemical dependency to heroin
1:191 minute, 19 seconds for a little bit when i was in college uh i have two bachelor s degrees uh one in psychology one in english lit
1:261 minute, 26 seconds uh graduated summa [ __ ] laude with both of them uh didn t do [ __ ] with those so i went to culinary school uh
1:351 minute, 35 seconds and i did something with that i i was a cook for in a chef for like 20 something years uh
1:421 minute, 42 seconds in my early 20 mid 20s i guess i moved to columbus ohio and uh just
1:501 minute, 50 seconds stayed soft got all kinds of soft dallas was a rough city like that dallas is hard you know like
1:581 minute, 58 seconds you have to be a little street smart to survive it but columbus and north and then it s it s like a it s like a down-filled
2:072 minutes, 7 seconds pillow everybody in columbus plays xbox smokes wheat all the time and it s just nice to each other unless the buckeyes
2:142 minutes, 14 seconds lose and then they riot but uh i have been raped a few times
2:232 minutes, 23 seconds and after one of them uh which did happen in columbus i got
2:292 minutes, 29 seconds pretty intense ptsd and i mean i already had it they i ve been told that i had ptsd since i was
2:362 minutes, 36 seconds like three uh but it got real bad and uh i had a roommate who
2:452 minutes, 45 seconds was told me that i needed to take the trash out and i was like yeah i will uh that s what i m doing today gathering stuff up blah blah blah blah blah
2:522 minutes, 52 seconds and uh he said well you have to have it done by nine and i was like well i mean i have to have it done when i get it done dude uh
3:003 minutesand then at like seven he starts yelling at me about you know well you re gonna take the trash i m like
3:073 minutes, 7 seconds you said by not you know and he kept on kept on and kept on and uh i got a little loud finally and i was like listen you need to remember that you
3:153 minutes, 15 seconds ain t my [ __ ] daddy not even let that [ __ ] talk to me like that and then he said something about the pistol that he owned so i stomped the
3:233 minutes, 23 seconds [ __ ] out of him completely and totally [ __ ] him up bad and uh didn t live in columbus anymore i moved
3:313 minutes, 31 seconds in with a friend of mine who had been my roommate in dallas uh he was one of my best friends
3:383 minutes, 38 seconds and he moved home to tulsa oklahoma and i got on damn greyhound and went to tulsa and uh
3:473 minutes, 47 seconds that s when i decided yeah [ __ ] it i ll set my life on fire i was i didn t have any money uh when i first got there didn t have a lot of
3:553 minutes, 55 seconds food and like didn t know how to sign up for food stamps and all that [ __ ] yet but my roommate explained to me uh you know
4:034 minutes, 3 seconds there s this soup kitchen downtown that you can go to and he took me there and showed it to me and i go to the soup kitchen every morning and eat and
4:114 minutes, 11 seconds you know talk to people and uh man it wasn t it wasn t a week before there was somebody who s like hey you want some meth
4:194 minutes, 19 seconds i mean yeah i snorted it and i didn t care about it didn t really interest me frankly it kind of bored me
4:264 minutes, 26 seconds and uh well there was this girl cersei left him uh
4:344 minutes, 34 seconds she uh and i had uh she came up and asked me if i wanted a cup of coffee one morning and i was like well they re not open yet i mean you
4:424 minutes, 42 seconds know we can t get coffee until like eight a.m and she said oh no i know of a secret place and she s taking me to the home depot in
4:494 minutes, 49 seconds downtown tulsa where uh they have a free pot of coffee for you and you re able to get coffee and it
4:564 minutes, 56 seconds wasn t it wasn t five minutes into that walk before i asked her out on a date she said yes and uh
5:045 minutes, 4 seconds she didn t show up uh at the time but she was on the streets and uh
5:125 minutes, 12 seconds she was uh i m called demon uh because of her her uh her name was angel and uh
5:225 minutes, 22 seconds she ended up being my best friend but i had a real big crush on her and we had planned to have us a party
5:305 minutes, 30 seconds one day we were gonna get an eight bald mess and uh you know hang out at a hotel room because i was getting social security i
5:385 minutes, 38 seconds was gonna get my check you know we were gonna do uh sex all day [ __ ] uh i showed up she was there uh
5:475 minutes, 47 seconds and she said hey we can t we can t go to a hotel because i might have a chance to you know get plugged in and stuff like that we gotta stay around my campsite
5:555 minutes, 55 seconds area i said okay great yeah whatever i can i can have sex with you absolutely anywhere i m okay with that
6:016 minutes, 1 secondand uh so she took my 100 go get the eight ball which of course way more than what an eight ball cost
6:106 minutes, 10 seconds uh and she returned with a teener which is half of an eight ball and uh some dude uh some dude that
6:196 minutes, 19 seconds she said they was in love and uh they re in a relationship now et cetera et cetera et cetera okay okay they asked me uh
6:296 minutes, 29 seconds you know hey you mind if we do a shot out of this bag yeah go ahead they each did a 40 cent shot on my dope and asked
6:356 minutes, 35 seconds me to leave the tent so they could [ __ ] i did i went right into the tenth of chat she had like a storage tent
6:446 minutes, 44 seconds i went in there sat there and uh held my uh what was left of my sack of dope and cried
6:516 minutes, 51 seconds and just kept asking myself why why why what is
7:007 minutesmissing in me that makes me not valuable enough to be the one in that tent right now you
7:087 minutes, 8 seconds know and uh yeah i mean i was fat and you know i i took that into account but this other dude he wasn t attractive uh
7:187 minutes, 18 seconds nor was he at all clean uh i mean dave the dope fiend shooting dope don t know the meaning of water nor soap
7:267 minutes, 26 seconds kind of deal filthy dude and uh i finally came to the realization oh
7:337 minutes, 33 seconds it s because he shoots up with her they took me on an adventure that night all throughout tulsa oklahoma i ended up ditching me somewhere in a neighborhood i d never been to
7:417 minutes, 41 seconds uh
7:427 minutes, 42 seconds [Music]
7:437 minutes, 43 seconds i found some guys uh who were living on the street my phone was dead i i didn t know how to get home i didn t know [ __ ]
7:517 minutes, 51 seconds uh they took care of me they took me to their bando and made sure i was okay and gave me directions on how to get back to that
7:597 minutes, 59 seconds soup kitchen the next morning i went there i found angel and i said hey i m shooting up for the first time today
8:068 minutes, 6 seconds she got excited she was like oh yay i m so glad for you and i told her but
8:148 minutes, 14 seconds whenever i do shoot up i m gonna i m gonna do weirdo creepy sex [ __ ] with somebody directly the [ __ ] afterwards and she said oh yeah you ll want to i
8:228 minutes, 22 seconds was like you know and frankly i want a chick to uh force me to wear a pair of panties and spank me till i cry and all sorts of
8:308 minutes, 30 seconds [ __ ] and she goes my sister might be down with that i said i d like to meet your sister met her uh
8:398 minutes, 39 seconds she uh i immediately forgot anything about having a crush on angel whenever i saw her uh
8:478 minutes, 47 seconds i told her what i wanted to do and uh well the way i actually what i said was hey you know i m supposed to be getting another teen or a dope in a little bit
8:558 minutes, 55 seconds uh no matter your answer this next question i you know i m gonna share that with you if you want you know and she was like yeah go ahead and ask you a
9:029 minutes, 2 seconds question i said well you know i want to do my shot and i want somebody to like spank me and [ __ ] dominate me and all this other [ __ ] she goes oh can i giggle when i do
9:109 minutes, 10 seconds it and i was like yeah yeah you could do that so she gets me dressed up like a [ __ ] nightgown
9:199 minutes, 19 seconds that has kitties all over it and [ __ ] and a pair of victoria s secret underpants and she mixes up a shop for me to have me wait
9:279 minutes, 27 seconds i wait and i ll wait and i wait uh angel walked into the bedroom i was waiting in at one point and said hey i m gonna hit you for the first time grab that let s go and i m like oh no you
9:359 minutes, 35 seconds know your sister said she was going to and she s like no no [ __ ] that so i let her uh she missed on me on purpose i think
9:439 minutes, 43 seconds she never admitted to such but uh it was burning horribly and hurt like the whole time she was pushing the plunger in and then afterwards after she
9:519 minutes, 51 seconds finished i m like okay someone does it kick in she goes oh it hasn t yet and she split it off in the [ __ ] nowhere so i had to go and tell her sister you
9:599 minutes, 59 seconds know hey you know here s what happened and uh she said uh
10:0910 minutes, 9 seconds i m not angry i m i m frankly a little disappointed [ __ ] with it oh my god
10:1610 minutes, 16 seconds crushed me it crushed me uh and then she did something that nobody else has done since then
10:2310 minutes, 23 seconds she said i m not gonna get high so you can and she gave me hers nobody s ever done that since it s been
10:3010 minutes, 30 seconds years nobody will do that because dopings don t share their [ __ ] like that everybody wants to get high with somebody else everybody wants you to get
10:3910 minutes, 39 seconds high instead of them but she absolutely did that and uh she hit me when she registered the blood
10:4610 minutes, 46 seconds in the needle she looked me dead in the face and said i m sorry i m thinking what the [ __ ]
10:5510 minutes, 55 seconds are you sorry do me a favor you know and then uh she finished pushing it down and i started i coughed which if you
11:0311 minutes, 3 seconds cough uh that s a good one uh you cough because you go into pulmonary distress and your heart stops for just like a second it s not really as
11:1111 minutes, 11 seconds dangerous as it sounds but it i mean it will eventually kill you uh so i coughed and i was
11:1911 minutes, 19 seconds gasping for air and i looked and i said so this is how i m gonna die is that why you re sorry
11:2611 minutes, 26 seconds she said yeah yeah uh we actually didn t do any sort of sexual
11:3311 minutes, 33 seconds play that day i i i told her you know what she had mentioned that you know she thought about having a relationship in that fashion
11:4111 minutes, 41 seconds and i said you know i mean that s kind of what i want uh why don t we hold off on doing anything like that and
11:4911 minutes, 49 seconds maybe i could take you out and uh we went out uh with this other dude then we were in a trap house on the west side of tulsa
11:5711 minutes, 57 seconds and we went out with uh this other dude that lived in the trap house that uh had a crush on her oh by the way i never went back to the house i was
12:0512 minutes, 5 seconds living in not once didn t set foot in that [ __ ] place ever again because i had this giant mist on my arm i knew for a fact that my roommate would know what that meant
12:1312 minutes, 13 seconds because he was a former meth junkie and he didn t want nothing to do with it and i knew whatever i never go back
12:2012 minutes, 20 seconds that was when i stopped having a home the very first [ __ ] shot i ever did i stopped having a home
12:2812 minutes, 28 seconds but i lived in this trap house with her for a little while we went out with some guy that had a crush on her he and i had some sort of like competition for her affections for a little bit even though
12:3612 minutes, 36 seconds she didn t she never said to she never let him on anyway and he moved on to somebody else and uh
12:4512 minutes, 45 seconds she was absolutely the love of my life and uh i miss her still uh
12:5312 minutes, 53 seconds haven t heard from her in a little while because uh i mean quite quite frankly she was a dope [ __ ] uh and she
13:0113 minutes, 1 seconddid risky behaviors she would go off with anybody for uh you know
13:0813 minutes, 8 seconds a bump uh and i i ve heard rumors that she s dead uh i hope to god she hasn t
13:1613 minutes, 16 seconds uh i kind of partially i kind of partially
13:2513 minutes, 25 seconds hope she is to a certain extent uh because it d be over and that s what she wants i know that s
13:3313 minutes, 33 seconds what she wants it s what i want uh so i went from you know this uh being an intellectual and a chef and all this
13:4113 minutes, 41 seconds other stuff uh to uh living on the streets of tulsa oklahoma uh joining blood gang the age of 41 and
13:4913 minutes, 49 seconds white i got put on set with blood gang and i lived underneath the bridge at black wall street and if you ve never heard of black wall street in tulsa
13:5813 minutes, 58 seconds oklahoma you should look that up it was the largest racial massacre in american history uh the
14:0414 minutes, 4 seconds i think it was 1918 or very early 20s uh police and the army came into this area where black people
14:1214 minutes, 12 seconds had like businesses of their own and [ __ ] like that like had lives and then [ __ ] you having lies we re gonna rape all the women and kill all the dudes and
14:2014 minutes, 20 seconds they did that uh however to commemorate that they built a baseball diamond uh for uh the
14:2814 minutes, 28 seconds tulsa minor league team or some [ __ ] uh charlotte had been underneath that bridge for a long time uh
14:3714 minutes, 37 seconds i eventually left tulsa uh for reasons uh
14:4114 minutes, 41 seconds [Music]
14:4314 minutes, 43 seconds never going back uh at least not of my own accord uh and had a series of adventures or
14:5114 minutes, 51 seconds misadventures if you will across the american south i went to tennessee to stay with some friends because they said oh we don t
14:5914 minutes, 59 seconds want you to be homeless and all that [ __ ] come live with us they i know them in columbus they didn t they didn t like who i d become uh
15:0715 minutes, 7 seconds because i m different now i became somebody else uh the man i was died i m on the monster
15:1515 minutes, 15 seconds that has replaced him and they figured that out pretty quickly and uh then dumped me in johnson city tennessee
15:2415 minutes, 24 seconds saying that like saying oh yeah because i was going to try to go to a hospital or some [ __ ] to detox or whatever and they said you know they d be back for me the next day they never
15:3315 minutes, 33 seconds did never came back uh i was in johnson city tennessee for a couple of weeks and then i said [ __ ]
15:4015 minutes, 40 seconds this i m going to go to a rehab or something i ve got to stop doing this so i went to this detox center in kentucky
15:4915 minutes, 49 seconds and uh detoxed there which was unpleasant uh and then they put me in a
15:5815 minutes, 58 seconds halfway house afterwards and you know they tell me man this place is gonna be great for you you ll uh you ll do well here you can
16:0616 minutes, 6 seconds get your life back and i thought man i d love to get my life back yeah that s what i should do and i was in that halfway house for
16:1516 minutes, 15 seconds eight days i think for one of the guy first off i didn t know when until i got there that uh like you were
16:2316 minutes, 23 seconds it was mandatory to go to an aaa meeting every day and uh i don t do a a uh i won t do step
16:3116 minutes, 31 seconds one step one is uh saying uh that you re powerless over your addiction and i had a very logical question if i m powerless over my addiction
16:3916 minutes, 39 seconds how come i m sitting here not doing drugs instead of like in a tent somewhere on the sidewalk naked with a chick and a needle in my arm why am i
16:4616 minutes, 46 seconds not there that would be powerless they didn t have an answer for that they also could never prove the existence of a higher power
16:5416 minutes, 54 seconds uh which i you know until you can do that there ain t one in my opinion
17:0217 minutes, 2 seconds so there there were uh there was a bit of a struggle there and it was about the eighth day when uh one of the guys there the house manager dude or whatever
17:1117 minutes, 11 seconds raised his voice to me and i was like oh no no you don t get to do that and uh then he did it a second time
17:1817 minutes, 18 seconds and rather than doing what i wanted to do which was murder him i just grabbed two of my backpacks oh yeah i had my backpacks packed from like
17:2717 minutes, 27 seconds day one uh and walked out the [ __ ] door and uh i ended up in the parking lot of a walmart and
17:3617 minutes, 36 seconds that s when it started to rain and i was like oh you know that checks out that s appropriate uh got on grinder uh grinder is the gay hookup app
17:4517 minutes, 45 seconds uh oddly enough people who are not just gay but like you know who are maybe bi like myself uh but are willing to do absolutely
17:5317 minutes, 53 seconds [ __ ] anything for drugs they get on that app too i mentioned uh pnp on my little profile thing which means party and play
18:0118 minutes, 1 secondand uh which means do drugs and [ __ ] and this guy hit me up and uh he was like oh so you party i was like man it s been a minute since i ve
18:1018 minutes, 10 seconds since i ve had a shot you give me a 50 unit shot of dope i ll pretty much do whatever the hell
18:1818 minutes, 18 seconds you tell me to do he said don t say that i m weird and he was i got gang banged
18:2618 minutes, 26 seconds by he and his friends but i didn t mind because high as [ __ ] man he came through with the drugs and i was in his house like all night
18:3518 minutes, 35 seconds and then come next morning he s like so like where do you plan to go i was like i don t know do you know of any homeless camps around
18:4218 minutes, 42 seconds here where i could just like walk around or something he was like no ain t nothing around here like that i could take you to louisville
18:5018 minutes, 50 seconds i said okay sure he drove me to louisville bought me lunch which was very nice of him uh gave me like a handful of [ __ ] drugs
18:5818 minutes, 58 seconds and uh
18:5818 minutes, 58 seconds [Music]
19:0019 minutesdropped me off near a homeless shelter in a louisville which i didn t go to i ve never once
19:0819 minutes, 8 seconds stepped inside of a homeless shelter uh i won t go in one i won t do it most of them are run by the salvation army or something and quite frankly uh the
19:1519 minutes, 15 seconds salvation army is under the opinion that i should die for uh you know i ve laid with men or what have you
19:2419 minutes, 24 seconds uh they re big they uh donate a lot of money by the way to uh anti-lgbt
19:3219 minutes, 32 seconds uh lobbyists uh they were some of the biggest fighters against the gay marriage thing uh
19:4119 minutes, 41 seconds yeah so you know [ __ ] them i won t go in that place so i didn t go into this homeless shelter and i wandered around the streets of louisville for a while
19:4819 minutes, 48 seconds on the very same streets that muhammad ali walked one whenever they [ __ ] him out of his uh title and everything because he refused to go to vietnam
19:5719 minutes, 57 seconds and uh i wandered around i found an old elementary school that was abandoned
20:0520 minutes, 5 seconds and i holed up in there waiting until i got my social security check and there was this guy that i kind of rolled with a couple of times he and i would uh
20:1320 minutes, 13 seconds he had k2 which is that fake weed stuff and it s all right you know i i smoked it a few times uh i d hang out with him smoke
20:2120 minutes, 21 seconds that [ __ ] and you know we d try to get us a little bit of meth whenever we could and we you know coming up on
20:3020 minutes, 30 seconds me getting paid i explained to him hey you know i m getting my money i m going to get like a quarter ounce of [ __ ] you know and like
20:3920 minutes, 39 seconds you think maybe you might know a lady that would want to you know do a shot in private with me and he s like oh yeah yeah yeah i know just the place
20:4820 minutes, 48 seconds so we go to her apartment and the uh louisville neighborhood of portland which i m told i was told was you know
20:5520 minutes, 55 seconds bad rough neighborhood [ __ ] like that uh and from what i saw but it was you know
21:0321 minutes, 3 seconds it was bad uh she had me get all dressed up in an outfit and stuff and uh
21:1021 minutes, 10 seconds she said i ll be right back i m gonna go get a shot and i m gonna hit you i was like [ __ ] yeah uh there wasn t meth in that needle it was most likely a
21:1821 minutes, 18 seconds combination of heroin and benadryl uh i m thinking it was heroin because she was a heroin addict uh but i went to sleep immediately and
21:2621 minutes, 26 seconds uh i woke up in a cage and there was a gentleman uh let s just say with an eastern european accent and lots of tattoos
21:3521 minutes, 35 seconds uh who explained to me what was going to be happening and uh i was sold for three days to a gentleman
21:4221 minutes, 42 seconds who wanted to hurt and or rape someone now in between
21:5021 minutes, 50 seconds clients the woman would uh she and there was like another girl with her would hit me with uh met
22:0022 minutesum and explained to me at one point that this was so that i would like what was going on they told me that in fact i d begged
22:0722 minutes, 7 seconds them for my last customer and uh the prophecy was fulfilled i absolutely did uh
22:1622 minutes, 16 seconds then i got another hot shot and uh they left me for dead in an alley but uh
22:2322 minutes, 23 seconds more proof that there s no such thing as a just and loving god because i didn t die i woke up wearing a pair of track pants
22:3122 minutes, 31 seconds and some flip-flops i was it didn t have anything didn t have my backpack with all my
22:3822 minutes, 38 seconds diabetes medicine apparently there s some [ __ ] plug whose mama needs metformin or some [ __ ] because every time i get my diabetes medicine it gets
22:4522 minutes, 45 seconds [ __ ] stolen like i don t understand it uh i think it s just because they want to have it so that you can t it s people
22:5422 minutes, 54 seconds want to take from someone that s especially if you re on the streets everybody else on the streets is
23:0123 minutes, 1 secondeither in the same gang you re in or trying to steal from you or both because
23:0923 minutes, 9 seconds i mean you can t be betrayed by an enemy uh from there i i said again
23:1723 minutes, 17 seconds uh because i definitely got 51.50 held against my will in a psych institute because uh it was a little messed up in the head at
23:2523 minutes, 25 seconds the time and uh met a case manager there who said listen i can get you into a long-term rehab
23:3423 minutes, 34 seconds they will help you get housing once you get out of rehab but you ll be there like six months to a year depending on your progress i was like i kind of need something like that
23:4323 minutes, 43 seconds and uh they uh it was in uh zachary louisiana
23:5123 minutes, 51 seconds and they came and they got me in a van and drove me down there and they were all great people super nice i was never forced into any aaa thing anything like
24:0024 minutesthat day one they showed me their billiards room and uh i walked in my first night there
24:0824 minutes, 8 seconds and been over the pool table uh doing a shot of pool was one of the most beautiful women i d ever seen
24:1624 minutes, 16 seconds she was about five five strawberry blonde hair and uh her ass was so fat her yoga pants
24:2324 minutes, 23 seconds couldn t contain the whole thing like oh my god i was incapable of stopping myself from going god damn she turned her head over her shoulder
24:3224 minutes, 32 seconds and smiled at me and uh we fell in love instantly right then and there i knew it she knew it
24:4024 minutes, 40 seconds first thing i ever asked her was hey what are you doing from now on she said we ll figure that out and uh we had a relationship uh while we were in
24:4924 minutes, 49 seconds this rehab of course her social security had gotten cut off so that meant her medicare was getting cut off which meant she had to go
24:5724 minutes, 57 seconds and she was telling me about how i needed to stay there and yada yada if you think for a bucket second i m going to let you go out on the streets of baton rouge louisiana without me
25:0625 minutes, 6 seconds you re you re stupid you know it s not going to happen so i left i left the rehab we moved into an extended stay hotel
25:1425 minutes, 14 seconds now she had been a user of heroin and she d been clean for a year and a half and she did not do heroin
25:2225 minutes, 22 seconds she snorted a little bit of meth went a ride to a shot because i mean within an hour i had met i mean uh
25:3025 minutes, 30 seconds we had a fun time for a little while and i decided that i was going to ask her to marry me and i plan to do it on june 7th 2020.
25:4225 minutes, 42 seconds uh i i had an entire evening planned uh she went to the circle k to get us some
25:4925 minutes, 49 seconds cokes uh happened to run into a heroin dealer who happened to really want her to suck his dick so he convinced her to relapse
25:5825 minutes, 58 seconds they came back to my room and at one point this [ __ ] actually looked at me and asked me to kick rocks i said yo man i paid for this
26:0626 minutes, 6 seconds [ __ ] room you wanna [ __ ] my girlfriend you can do so but i m a watch so he took her to like his brother s room or some some other damn room she
26:1426 minutes, 14 seconds snorted a line of heroin apparently and uh like 30 minutes later he comes and he knocks on my door he goes yo man you need to come get your [ __ ] out my
26:2126 minutes, 21 seconds floor i said yo man you call her a [ __ ] one more again i ma cut you from nuts to [ __ ] neck and he said
26:2926 minutes, 29 seconds seriously you need to come get your girl out of my floor i went to pretty much every room
26:3726 minutes, 37 seconds in that [ __ ] junky filled prostitute ridden hotel asking for narcan and was told to [ __ ]
26:4526 minutes, 45 seconds off by every single person there because the police will find out that you had narcan i didn t want to ask you why you had narcan you a junkie let me see what
26:5326 minutes, 53 seconds else you got in your bag [ __ ] pigs so i was told to [ __ ] off and uh i went and i kissed her blue lips goodbye when she died in my goddamn arms
27:0327 minutes, 3 seconds and uh i decided at that point i was gonna crawl up inside of a syringe as far as i could and i have stayed there ever since
27:1127 minutes, 11 seconds uh i m at the point now where i i have been shooting about an eight ball a day which is three and a half grams which is [ __ ] a lot
27:1927 minutes, 19 seconds uh so like a 40 a day meth habit which is really easy to handle when you live on the streets of los angeles
27:2727 minutes, 27 seconds own nothing and can t get a job because i have no id and i ve never had a california id so i can t
27:3427 minutes, 34 seconds i can t get one base i was born in texas and texas says we need to see your id to give you a birth certificate and california s like waiting to see a birth certificate to give you an id and i m
27:4327 minutes, 43 seconds like well i guess i ll just go [ __ ] myself i ve had a social worker recently tell me that i had the option of you know spending a year in prison then i d
27:5127 minutes, 51 seconds have an id i was like no i don t want to do that because you know i die
27:5927 minutes, 59 seconds i mean i m a white guy and i m gonna go into a prison and start talking about being blood gang they re gonna be like oh let s kill that [ __ ] today
28:0728 minutes, 7 seconds uh so that s not an option i ended up after amanda died uh
28:1628 minutes, 16 seconds i ended up moving in with my my brother told me oh hey you re ready man you know come to sacramento and live with me i did and i went to sacramento to move in
28:2328 minutes, 23 seconds with him uh wasn t long before he said but you know it s not like cool for you to live in my house right i was like oh
28:3228 minutes, 32 seconds i understand i packed a wagon thing uh full of my
28:3628 minutes, 36 seconds [ __ ]
28:3828 minutes, 38 seconds and uh i left hit the streets uh it was there for once again two weeks two weeks was really like you know
28:4628 minutes, 46 seconds that s the cycle it seemed like uh woke up in the middle of the night to my left foot being broken with a baseball bat uh and then five dudes dragged me out in
28:5428 minutes, 54 seconds the middle of the street to kill me with said baseball bats one of their friends had been uh [ __ ] me for uh
29:0129 minutes, 1 secondfor money and dope uh and they found out he had to prove to his homies he wouldn t know [ __ ] uh so you know that meant i had to die
29:1029 minutes, 10 seconds they didn t know a couple of pieces of pretty important information uh one i slept with a piece of rebar about that long right up underneath me
29:1729 minutes, 17 seconds uh and two i m a master [ __ ] martial artist uh i have several black belts i m kind of a bad dude whenever it comes to that
29:2529 minutes, 25 seconds uh he had he was screaming [ __ ] at me and then after i knocked the bottom jaw off his face and sent it across the street
29:3329 minutes, 33 seconds he screamed something else he screamed as he went the [ __ ] down his friends pulled guns at that point i was like i think i ll run
29:4129 minutes, 41 seconds and uh found out that you absolutely can run with a broken foot uh it just hurts real bad but i did it and they told me if they ever saw my [ __ ] ass in downtown
29:5029 minutes, 50 seconds sacramento again i was gonna die slow i believed them uh of course the doctor at the hospital i went to uh like i ended up at a hospital
29:5929 minutes, 59 seconds i m just covered my own blood and somebody else s but mostly my own and uh police came to ask me some questions they asked me what happened i told them
30:0730 minutes, 7 seconds i fell down a flight of stairs and they said really that looks like a you know baseball bat bruise on you and i said huh funny thing is there was a
30:1530 minutes, 15 seconds baseball bat at the bottom of [ __ ] stairs then the doctor overheard me on the phone with somebody saying yeah i ma get
30:2430 minutes, 24 seconds me a [ __ ] grenade i m gonna go back up underneath that bridge i m killing every single one of them [ __ ] and they were like 51.50 so i ended up back in a psych hospital
30:3330 minutes, 33 seconds and i talked to a friend of mine in dallas who said hey i ll get you a bus ticket you can come
30:4030 minutes, 40 seconds back to dallas i mean you can t live with me and my husband you know i m on your own okay she said but i know about a camp area
30:4930 minutes, 49 seconds where you could you know throw up a tent and you d be cool and you make enough on social security that like after a month or so you ll be able
30:5730 minutes, 57 seconds to rent a room somewhere and i know people who would like i can help you do that i m like yes great idea done
31:0431 minutes, 4 seconds government greyhound and i had a 26 hour layover in los angeles right here on skid row as a matter of
31:1231 minutes, 12 seconds fact i was off the bus for about five minutes for i said i bet you they got dope on skid row i walked out here on the damn skid row found a hobo
31:2131 minutes, 21 seconds traded him some [ __ ] i had uh and did a giant shot of meth right there on the [ __ ] sidewalk police driving up today
31:2831 minutes, 28 seconds nobody gave a [ __ ] nobody cares in los angeles uh as a matter of fact i ve learned that unless you re in the current
31:3631 minutes, 36 seconds commission of a violent felony the lapd does not give a [ __ ] what you re doing unless you re black and they can shoot you for some reason they ll
31:4531 minutes, 45 seconds figure out a way to be concerned then uh so i i did a shot with this uh homeless guy and i walked right back to the bus
31:5331 minutes, 53 seconds station because i was quite frankly going to go into their bathroom and masturbate furiously for the next 12 hours but i started feeling sick
32:0232 minutes, 2 seconds i started feeling real sick and then i had to call 9-1-1 they came and they got me
32:1032 minutes, 10 seconds and uh i ended up in a la county usc hospital where i was told i had a blood infection uh
32:1732 minutes, 17 seconds it was also informed that uh because i d had infections before i mean shooting up you get that they told me you know hey
32:2532 minutes, 25 seconds this could very well be your last infection you re starting to become antibiotic resistant i said oh thank god i don t have to deal with this anymore
32:3232 minutes, 32 seconds oh you mean because i die i m like yeah social worker at that hospital heard what my plan was to go to dallas and all
32:4032 minutes, 40 seconds that [ __ ] and he said man why would you go be homeless in dallas i can get you right now into something called a boarding care facility
32:4832 minutes, 48 seconds be a place to live they feed you and all that i said great thank you
32:5632 minutes, 56 seconds yeah my luck is probably going to put me in south central right and he was like no no no that wouldn t happen so i moved to south central uh
33:0333 minutes, 3 seconds neighborhood called the low bottoms which is actually my favorite neighborhood in la county love
33:1133 minutes, 11 seconds the whole area everybody there you say good morning to somebody in the low bottoms they say good morning back they no matter who you are because i did get
33:1933 minutes, 19 seconds kicked out of that boarding care facility uh somebody told the owner that i was selling meth and heroin to the residents i said [ __ ] lying
33:2733 minutes, 27 seconds i never sold nobody heroin uh but so i got kicked out i lived on the streets there for a little bit and uh people would still say good
33:3533 minutes, 35 seconds morning to me now it s probably because they ain t sure whether or not you got a pistol and might shoot them if they re rude
33:4233 minutes, 42 seconds but either way they they treat you like a human being no matter who you are but i thought you know grass is green or
33:4933 minutes, 49 seconds all that other [ __ ] there s there are no like social services that you can really get in touch with there s no like place
33:5633 minutes, 56 seconds to go get food or anything so i mean i was starving and i was getting dope sick and i said man
34:0434 minutes, 4 seconds they got sidewalks in south central betcha they got sidewalks on the beach and i moved to venice i lived on the
34:1234 minutes, 12 seconds venice boardwalk for a little while it was beautiful waters right there we had a
34:2134 minutes, 21 seconds a tent city right on the beach on the edge of the boardwalk thing and we had a community uh three people are still alive
34:3034 minutes, 30 seconds because of that community because we were all getting [ __ ] that was apparently heavily laced with fentanyl and uh ever since june 7th 2020 i ve carried narcan on me 24 7.
34:4034 minutes, 40 seconds uh three twice that morning i heard somebody yell narcan and i went [ __ ] sprinting and those people lived
34:4934 minutes, 49 seconds then i m sitting on my i built a little front porch thing out of a bamboo mat i was sitting out there cleaning my shoes and stuff you know just
34:5734 minutes, 57 seconds feeling kind of okay with the day you know and this guy came up that uh i
35:0435 minutes, 4 seconds hung out in a group that he was in like a couple of nights before didn t know his name hadn t really really met him but like you know he seemed like he was kind of
35:1235 minutes, 12 seconds cool he said hey can i use your tent to do a shot i was like yeah you know sure uh and he said i ve got some you know i can break
35:2035 minutes, 20 seconds you off something all right hey cool wherever you i m gone you know i ll be out here it was about 10 minutes before i started
35:2735 minutes, 27 seconds wondering why i hadn t heard anything and i went in there and he was dead um we finally got somebody to come over
35:3635 minutes, 36 seconds like we tried the nasal spray narcan didn t work had to finally do the intramuscular shot and i had all that available uh i woke
35:4435 minutes, 44 seconds up at this point i m fully triggered because i m you know remembering the one who didn t wake up and
35:5235 minutes, 52 seconds that sort of thing and in tears i said to him and what s your name he said i m mikey
36:0136 minutes, 1 secondwhat s your name and i said mikey i m demon and that s when he said carlito told me a demon would save my life
36:1036 minutes, 10 seconds carlito is the brujo that i met my first night heading towards the beach that i i mean i don t believe in anything supernatural
36:1736 minutes, 17 seconds i don t i don t i don t but i was trying like i had some friends with me and they ditched me and i was trying to do a shot in like an alcove
36:2536 minutes, 25 seconds and i hear demon come over here i thought it was my friend i d go over there it s this cat with dreadlocks dreadlock [ __ ] beard and mustache
36:3336 minutes, 33 seconds says his name is carlito and that he knows me i never met this cat before he said he knew mentioned my drug dealer s name and said he knew them
36:4336 minutes, 43 seconds but they didn t know him i m like uh okay uh he let me do a shot in his van as soon as i hit the [ __ ] engine
36:5036 minutes, 50 seconds exploded and i swear to god he showed me things in the fire i can however prove that meth hallucinations exist
36:5836 minutes, 58 seconds this was all most likely meth hallucination but it made me question it whenever mikey said that he had met the same dude who said
37:0637 minutes, 6 seconds that to him i m inside now though uh i lived uh on venice for a while then the police figured out we had a
37:1437 minutes, 14 seconds community said where the hell are my bulldozer keys kicked all this out i moved to the west hollywood beverly hills area for a little bit
37:2337 minutes, 23 seconds until you know some more things happened uh but i got into uh this project room key thing
37:3037 minutes, 30 seconds which is uh i live in a very pretty hotel uh downtown los angeles
37:3737 minutes, 37 seconds which i had always worn i was never gonna go to downtown because you know skid row but i m not on skid row uh i
37:4537 minutes, 45 seconds live in this hotel it s great uh they say that i m gonna have a section 8 voucher soon i m going to be able to get my own place um
37:5237 minutes, 52 seconds [Music]
37:5537 minutes, 55 seconds and i don t really shoot up anymore and that s not my choice i ve ceased to be able to i
38:0238 minutes, 2 seconds can t these are the attempts that i ve had over the past few days miss miss miss miss
38:1038 minutes, 10 seconds miss i don t have veins anymore uh i either have too much scar tissue or or there actually is a god and he s not
38:2038 minutes, 20 seconds justin loving he [ __ ] hates me because it s the only reason that i have to live generally but
38:2838 minutes, 28 seconds i have a solution i m either going to find somebody who can hit a vein
38:3638 minutes, 36 seconds or uh yeah i ve really figured out the aura yet uh something
38:4438 minutes, 44 seconds something drastic something pretty drastic [ __ ] who knows i might stop using
38:5238 minutes, 52 seconds probably not though uh that is as succinct as i can make my story
38:5938 minutes, 59 seconds and especially not mentioning too many names uh suffice it to say there have been uh quite a few adventures that i ve had
39:0839 minutes, 8 seconds that i don t want to tell anybody because there are certain people that i don t want to know that was me because they might have some logical
39:1639 minutes, 16 seconds questions but if you could take anything
39:2339 minutes, 23 seconds from what i ve been telling you yeah i m not gonna go after school special
39:3139 minutes, 31 seconds and say don t use drugs kids stay in school [ __ ] it i stayed in school uh fat lot of good that did me no
39:4039 minutes, 40 seconds do not fall prey to your own intellectual hubris if you ever say to yourself well i m
39:4739 minutes, 47 seconds smart enough to know that know that you re not you re just not because i knew i was smart enough to know that i couldn t continue to shoot meth
39:5539 minutes, 55 seconds man i mean from that first cough i ve never wanted anything more uh
40:0440 minutes, 4 seconds several things are released in your brain when that happens endorphin epinephrine norepinephrine serotonin most importantly oxytocin
40:1340 minutes, 13 seconds oxytocin is the enzyme that is in your brain when you feel love or religious fervor the people that are having their hands in the air feeling
40:2140 minutes, 21 seconds the holy ghost that s oxytocin and uh there s more of it released in a shot of meth at least the size shot i do
40:3040 minutes, 30 seconds then that is which is released in the brain of a mother who s staring into her newborn child for the first time
40:3840 minutes, 38 seconds it s the only thing that has ever actually loved me and might be the only thing that ll love me from now on
40:4840 minutes, 48 seconds i think that s it
40:5040 minutes, 50 seconds [Music]
40:5140 minutes, 51 seconds demon thank you very much thank you
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