I'm alive, but I prob shouldn't be. So don't be me.

[DreamerOnTheRun (OP)]

The # of seizures I've had in the last 6 months than is so fucked up, but it's my fault.

Don't do what I did, this drug seriously helps so many people, but if people keep showing up at the ER for Xanax wd than it wouldn't surprise me if they pull it or regulate it even harder...  I could go on for ever.  But when you gotta take 7 bars to feel what most people feel off one or two it's time to switch to kpins or Val's and maybe go back to xanax again later but.  You get the PSA.

Most of you already know this.  But I the spirit of harm reduction, here's another message.

[Chip]

care to elaborate ?

[DreamerOnTheRun (OP)]

Well, the thing harming me the most is probably me going through around 150mg of alprazolam + 30x30mg temazepam in usually 7 days or so to cold turkey with no benzo resulting in grand mal seizures.  This has been the case the past 3-4 months (thiugh I've been on at least 90mg of alprazolam/month for almost 20 years, I'm 32).  I'm surprised I'm not severely brain damaged at this point.  Before I go any further I'm not looking for any sympathy, this is my own doing and I will get what I deserve.  I don't even get high off benzos anymore either, but sometimes I'm either withdrawaling from opioids so bad I can't stand to be awake or I'm in so much physical pain the only thing that makes me comfortable is the combo.   I'm also blessed with a genetic predisposition for Epilepsy, as it also runs in my family, I had a couple of epileptic seizures before I had ever taken a benzo.  I know I NEED to see a neurologist. 

My plan is this, and maybe this is stupid I don't know.  But I know if I tell a neurologist I'm having seizures and tell him the meds I'm prescribed he's gonna want me off those and on a longer acting benzo like Klonopin or Valium (on top of an epilepsy med, Dilantin maybe).  I'm not going to tell him anything about the psych Dr. Or the benzos, and hope he writes a long acting and epilepsy med like I said more importantly.  This way I'm never without, since they're not the same medications and they're not for the same purpose it's not illegal under Dr. Shopping laws here and I have the right to keep my Psych stuff completely confidential. 

I'm sure a lot of you guys probably think this is a dumb thing to do, getting dependent on even more benzos--but in reality when I run out i score (inconsistently) on the street so atleast this way I could depend on always having atleast the kpinz as I've never found them enjoyable, even when taken a huge dose.

My body just can't take these seizures anymore.  It's aging me insanely quick.  As if IVing at minimum 8mg of Dilaudid 2x a day isn't also adding to that effect.  My jaw has gotten so much worse, there's no cartilage left.  And the bones starting to shave/break off in tiny fragments in-between the sockets.  When I was prescribed 30mg Roxis I didn't IV because the oral BA is so high in Oxy but now that all I can get on the street are Dillies, IV every-goddamn-day.  I weighed 160 healthy in HS w/ lean muscle, now I struggle to stay above 145.

I've been so depressed I sold my guns, not just because I needed the money but I'm afraid one day im not gonna just wanna blow my brains out but I'd actually doit.  I'm lucky to have parents that truly love & care for me, I cannot do that to them.

To find anything, anything at all to give me even a moment of happiness or hopeful thinking (I've already been on every anti-depressent you can think of, Zoloft right now) even if it's 100% fake meaning drug induced I doit because without it I don't even remember what the feeling is like that I need to get better for. So, that means since the Dilaudid may help my pain but no longer brings any kinda rush or euphoria...

I graduated to the death cocktailzl, speedballing.  The dope where I live is either garbage, or you have to know & have a good Mexican buddy/connect which a white boy like me from the 'burns has lil to no chance of getting.  The soft is sketchy because ruckboys tend to overcut it.  So it's been Dilaudid for the opiate and hard for the yayo.  Still never have and hopefully never will try and/or have a relationship with crystal outside of whatever mixed speed cocktail is in Adderall.

I know it sounds like the exact opposite but I need fairly good self control (benzos excluded) so before I kill myself at the very least I'm going to limit myself to how often I indulge in this new favorite of mine, twice a week was gonna be my first go at a self governed limitations.

The plan is to find a compassionate pain management Doctor in my area (my email: EDITED - visible personal email addresses are not permitted) to write me either Roxies or Dillies so I can stop IVing (which would pull my entire family out of a financial CRISIS), see a Neurologist about my seizures and get on something to prevent any more grand mals (atleast not having a couple a week), and continue to see my Psych but be more responsible with my anti-anxiety meds.

Moderator Comment

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[Jega]

Couple things

150mg of alprazolam + 30x30mg temazepam  - Damn. I’m surprised you could find that much Alprazolam without having it come in powder. I really am. And temazepam, really? Amounts aside and 900mg is, um, insane, that’s almost in the Triazolam class of yes it exists and yes I love it to death but you never get it scripted to anyone anymore.

90mg per day scripted of Alprazolam for 20 years and your 32. They scripted a 12 year old 1mg 3x per day? Not saying they didn’t but that also struck me.

You have a family history of seizures and you’re doing this to yourself. Damn. Yes you need to see a neurologist. You don’t have to say it is for drug use. I’ve seen plenty since I sought help and none was directly or even mentioned drug tests. One place that piss tested me for no reason but even then it wasn’t a huge issue. But that was me and I have no idea what a GC/MS would pop for you.

Pretty much every state has a prescription monitoring system that will let any dr see what your picking up from your pharmacy so that waves off the idea that you can hind scripts from dr’s anymore.

I know what it’s like when your depressed and none of the SSRI’s SNRI’s tried even the TCA’s and NaSSA have no luck. I know it’s hard but hang in there.

The yayo isn’t helping the seizures. Full stop. Want to stop something? Start there.

I agree that you should seek help. You could ask your psychologist to recommend a neurologist, that would be the easiest thing. I was on an insane amount of benzo’s in the past myself and went through the seizures but got help. It took me a while and I haven’t solved everything. I’m still depressed I’m still anxious but I’m trying.

Do you really want to get help? If you really do, you’re going to have to make some lifestyle changes and I’m not judging one way or the other, I own my own past, but you need to decide for yourself, have that moment, that it’s time to get help. Just saying.

Also don’t post your email.