It's my birthday and I can't help but cry

[FlorAtive (OP)]

   Am I even a man if all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry because my recovery just doesn't seem to be going to way I hoped? I have all the support I need, absolutely ZERO meds except a Senior's Multivitamin. Here's a little background on me..
   I'm 26 years old, well today I turned 27. Yay.. I've been a heavy opiate addict for about 9 solid years. I've honestly forgotten any clean time I've had. Less than 1 year total in that allotted time, spread out over probably 4 clean periods. I ruptured my spleen when I was 17 (2007) and spent a good matter of a year in recovery all because I was able to keep my spleen. I was prescribed 20mg hydrocodone every 4 hours for about a month. There was never a mention of addiction or a warning or fucking anything. When I came home from the ICU after 4 days, I took the opiate as prescribed for 2 weeks and learned to deal with the pain (it would knock me out in the beginning) like a freaking monk. The Hydros were causing severe constipation and I couldn't put any stress on my abdominal muscles for obvious reasons... So I had no choice. I had to stop taking my pain killers. I had just about 2 weeks worth sitting in a bottle, in my possession, in my bedroom, at my parents house. See where this is going? I had one fond memory of being in the hospital and getting my first real dose of opiates which I believe were Percs & Hydros together. It was a shit hospital, they OD'd me on pain meds once and I was minutes away from going into Cardiac Arrest... That's a whole different story I don't need to mention right now. *Speeding up the point here*
   One day I came home from school, junior year (?) and decided that I didn't want to smoke pot that day which I had been doing occasionally with much satisfaction for 2 years. I had that fond memory of Euphoric Relief from that one day in the hospital just buzzing through my head like a relentless fly trying to make home in my ear. I grabbed my pill bottle and took 4 10mg Hydrocodones. 2 hours later, I took 4 more and floated around my parent's house without my pain for a forgettable amount of time. It felt as if I didn't have legs and I was literally floating around without a care in the world and without that pain that didn't subside for another 7 months. It was bliss. I didn't continue taking these meds everyday afterward... The addiction only planted it's seed of Shitty Hell that would take it's time germinating for the next year or so. I did finish off that prescription with doses of 60mg once a week for approximately the next month. Purely recreational. I never needed pain meds for pain ever again. 
   Sometime in the beginning of April of this year, maybe before, I need to check the calendar, I was deep into the worst part of my addiction I had ever been in. Never did I think it would evolve this far. I just celebrated my 10 year dating anniversary with my girl friend. We've had plans of marriage and children for a few years now, but I wanted to finish school and find my adulthood before we became THAT serious. We lived together on and off for about 6 years and finally got an apartment of our own in January (5 months ago). It was a wonderful apartment. My girlfriend was not a user and not addicted to anything but her own self and the thoughts of our perfect future together. Over the years of being a child, she would assume that I was unfaithful, or flirtatious with my old girlfriend (honestly just a friend with a few kisses 12 years ago).  I never cheated or even came close... My gf was a victim of emotional abuse from her mother and mother's family her whole life after being adopted with her twin from Romania as an infant. In the beginning of our relationship in 2007 and for a few years following, she didn't like my marijuana use or my wacky group of friends. 3 years ago she made the decision that "If I was going to be faithful, then she didn't mind the drug use and would partake in experimentation of psychedelics and...", my drug of choice. Opiates. She never became addicted or used any drugs 2 days in a row. She succeeded in college and became a well established Dental experimented who was sought after by all the local big name companies due to her college program rank of president and top of her class kind of 'stuff'. She became a fully complacent enabler for the past few years of my addiction. If she wanted me in a good mood, if she wanted sex and I wasn't in the mood, if I didn't feel well on the weekends after a long week's work for the both of us, she would push me to find what I needed to amend these situations. I was a full blown addict, I would rarely argue. 
   I finally picked up the unforgiving needle just over one year ago all because Dilaudid was given to me instead of Heroin and I had no extra money or ability to "return" it. Dilaudid cannot be felt by an opiate addict in any way except by injecting. I was in withdraws and my demon wouldn't allow thoughts of rectification... only justification. By that time I was using Heroin for about a year by putting it up my nose, like most everything else.   
   About 6 months ago, I was introduced to Furanylfentanyl. It came as a powder in 1/10th gram. I was shown how to smoke it from foil. That was a high that I had been chasing for a few years that I could never reach otherwise.. I found my new drug. Yippy.. Tolerance builds faster than anything I had ever experience prior.. By the third usage in 2 days, it was nowhere near the first use. I experimented with injecting it and it was simply TOO MUCH. It didn't feel good, made me throw up, and made me pass out... This addiction is so STUPID that I continued to try it later that day and the next. It began working the way I was hoping. The problem quickly became abundantly clear... the half life was maybe 2 hours if I was lucky. The withdraws of watery eyes, yawns, and painful sneezing began within 2 hours of last dose. I was able to comfortably dose a bag (1/10th gram) 3 times a day for the first 2 months I believe. If I couldn't get it from the dealer, I had another source for 60mg morphine which was my most used drug for injection from the start of needle use. One MS60 would last all day easily and comfortably with energy to back it. It was like my beginning days of roxycodone use. The euphoric high with beautiful energy.
   It was always about the money. What was cheapest? What would last the longest? What would keep me from getting sick(withdraws)? The money aspect began to outweigh the chase of the high after Roxys tripled in price in 2011. The beginning of my addiction was all about the 30mg Roxys. Blues, Muffins, 30s, Smurfs, what ever we called them, I needed 3 to make my day a Euphoric ride. Withdraws wouldn't begin until 50-72 hours after last dose up the nose. My tolerance grew to such an extent after a couple years of use that I began doing 8 at a time. They were $10 a piece back then and I was buying 10 at a time and giving 2 back to my connection. What a piece of shit he was. A junky pusher. He sits in jail today. The price of these blue monsters sky rocketed to $30 a piece in no time. I was back to doing 3 at a time/per day shortly after. Then theres the story of all that time in between. For another day...
   Furanylfentanyl. This shit. I fully lost control at the end of March into the start of April. I lost control because the new batch was different. Something wasn't right. It seemed to have a major cut of Lidocaine or something of that class. This caused the half-life to be almost immediate. As in... 2 minutes instead of 2 hours. Instead of calling my Morphine connection which was always available, this demon took over. All of the 'Good' that made me who I was, who I am, washed away. Hell.. It was violently thrown away and devoured by the Devil himself. I began calling out of work and stealing large sums of money from my father's business account. I spent somewhere around $1,000 in a week or less. Pretty sure it was less. My father so deeply cares about me, that he won't even admit the amount of money even though I told him. All of it was on this new shit batch of Furanylfentanyl. I'm disgusted with myself even thinking about the events. At the end of that week long horrific binge of very bad drugs, I went to my father and stood before him, unable to look him in the eye and told him that I have lost all control and I am desperate for help. A 3 week detox began after packing up all my belongings from the girlfriend's apartment and was locked in my parent's house with no outside communication. It was the only way. I've been through it numerous times before. I can't begin to imagine the pain I cause my loving parents when I continue to put them through this kind of hell. 
   After 3 weeks of puking, restless leg, puking, delusions, puking, and unguided prayer, I was able finally half way well enough to take a suggestion of moving to my grandparent's in the mountainous country of another state. A 12 hour drive later, I arrived. I spent the first couple days in bed feeling like death. It was only the continuation of what I had already been going through. I've now been here for a month. I've had wonderful guidance through therapy provided by my grandmother and physical labor set out by my grandfather. It's all a wonderful step in the right direction. In-Patient Rehab was thought to be needed, but this is better. This is right. I have good days, I have bad days. This is obviously expected. We have meditation sessions which help more than you could ever know if you've never been one to meditate. Us addicts have busy minds. We're some of the smartest and ingenuitive people in the world. Our minds never rest. Meditation is a big help.. Not a cure, but a help. A start. I wish it was a cure because here is my reason for writing this short story that was supposed to be a short call for help... I'm hurting. 
   I've been great most of the time being here. I've made wonderful progress in my health and have set out goals and finally am learning what sobriety is again.  But with sobriety brings cravings. Last night, bringing in the day of my birthday, was simply awful. I couldn't sleep at first, no big deal. I meditated and did some breathing exercises and was able to fall asleep after an hour of laying in bed. I woke up 2 hours later at 2am with anxiety and my heart feeling like I just did speed (which was never my thing). I got out of bed and did a little exercise and did some more involved meditation trying to make these anxious cravings subside... After taking 2 more melatonin, I fell back asleep. I began a lengthy dream that makes me feel like I haven't made a damn bit of progress. I've been having dreams almost nightly for about a week of attempting to acquire drugs. I never accomplish the acquisition in the dreams. Last night was very different. This dream was vivid, it was in a way lucid that I had never experienced before. I had control of my thoughts, my words, my actions, everything. Except this time, I couldn't differentiate between reality and my dream world. I would wake up for a minute from the dream and still feel something tangible from the dream. I would tell people (my dealers and connections) that I haven't gotten high in about 7 weeks and that I'm going stir crazy, but I need to get these drugs and wake up with them. I need to fall asleep in my dream, which i was aware of, and then wake up with the drugs to do them. Weird.. barely makes sense, i know. I can't find a way to describe this more clearly. I began telling me dealers this after I had already acquired a decent amount of different drugs and had actually done them in my dream. I willingly and excitedly did these drugs. As I said before, I've never been an upper addict, but I acquired cocaine in my dream, snorted it, and felt it. I really felt it. I then got some benzos to calm down from it which only lessened the 'feeling' of the coke. I followed this with crushing a handful of Oxys and snorted a bit of it. I didn't feel the opiate... This is when I knew I had to wake up with them. I some how had an idea or feeling of how I was going to be able to do this. I began losing lucidity of the dream when a few girls started yelling at me as they were naked. I woke up in bed, actually woke up... And for a good solid minute felt like I was able to do some opiates that I brought out of the dream with me. I feel better now that I've taken the time to write all of this. I feel much better. But I was a complete mess for a couple of hours before writing this and in the beginning. I couldn't keep a strait thought. I felt the Fight or Flight along side with depression and self loathing. I wanted to cry but then felt like I would be faking it. I was contradicting every thought I had. So I turned over in bed, gripped my pillow to my chest and simply cried with the very clear thoughts of what I've done to my family, my friends, my body, my future, and had never felt worse about myself. Giving up feels too right. Right now, self preservation isn't outweighing the my feelings of not wanting to disappoint my grandparents that I'm living with and the rest of my family back home. That isn't right to me... I should want to be better for Me. That's how I've been feeling, until I woke up from last night. I'm sure these feelings will subside and I will progress with my recovery. I just didn't see this blow to my heart coming. Thanks for reading.

[bonedust]

Centrum Silver old farts multi-vitamins and Melatonin, I'm sorry but I had to giggle at that cuz that's a sad state of affairs and I've been there before. Melatonin is a hormone and will fuck you up if you take too much so be careful with those.
I actually have a pile of those damn multi-vitamins right next to me now. Why? I don't know.

You're so right about us addicts having minds that never rest. It's probably the reason my favorite activity is sleeping. Nothing can bother me there.

Basically I just wanted ya to know that I read it all, I care and I hope things get better for ya soon.

"Getchmis Olsun"--Turkish for "May it pass quickly"

[FlorAtive (OP)]

I appreciate it very much. I printed it out and gave it to my grandmother to read believe it or not... Handing it over to her was in hot debate in my mind for a few hours, but I decided to hand it to her. I am here to get better and she needs to know these things. It's a very interesting time that I'm going through. Hypnotherapy, meditation, chakra balancing, yoga... All sorts of natural healing to get my mind right from the 10 years of numbing I've put myself through. No rehab will or can fix me. Been there done that and $100,000 later there was absolutely no trick to kicking it. I've had more success and progress in 1 month of living here than my 6 months of rehabs. I had a rough night and early morning and decided that writing about it would help, which it did. So as presumed, I'll be writing much more soon to come. I'll probably keep it all in my own thread or just save it to my desktop. Thanks again for reading .

[Mr.pooper]

You're still detoxing my man. Most of the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are completely normal to the recovery process.

Don't take too much away from the dreams. If you ever do an out patient rehab program such as smart recovery, or NA, you will often hear people talk about having using dreams. Even to the point that they feel guilt about using in their dreams. I've read that dreams are actually just preparing you for future events. For example if you learn a activity/task and then go to sleep and dream about the event, it actually helps you get better at the task/activity in real life.


It's funny you mention uppers in your dreams. I remember having dreams of getting shards of meth and doing them. Meth was not at all my drug of choice. When I woke up I felt like I had the baggie of shards in my pocket still. I had to double check to make sure...I also had countless dreams of picking up opiates, and doing them too. In fact last night I had my first using dream in years. I was trying to smoke H off of a cannabis wax covered piece of parchment paper for some odd reason lmao. I have been clean for years too.

You notice it felt good to get all this out? That was something very important for me when I first got into recovery. I just needed someone to talk to someone, that was open minded in understanding addiction, and was a neutral 3rd party. Talking to family members or significant others is not usually a good idea because they have too much emotion tied up into you. And when they hear you talking about relapsing, the idea will freeze them up from logical thinking. Sometimes it just helps to get that thought loop out and say "I wanna use", this is normal. Do you have a support network in place that you can specifically talk about the fucked up thoughts of addiction? Like someone you can trust to tell that you want to rob someone and go spend the money on drugs, and have them not react with "OMG!!!". Writing is also another very good outlet. Especially helpful later on when you can look back and reference how crazy our mindsets were in early recovery.

Are you using any other mind altering drugs besides the melatonin?

[6-mam]

I'm really sorry you have to go through this and I'm really happy you shared. It seems to me you would be happier without opiates in your life so I'm glad youre over the hump and pretty much ready to start living sober.

But you say youve done this before? And youre just now having dreamsvof usong? I cant count the years its been since I've had them. Shit I was probably 14!

I hope you pull through and think about the positives and negatives of continuing to use. I'm kind of glad you haven't dived into seeds because that addiction is said to be as long as methadone to kick. Idk I switched to heroin before I got on subs. Man you should have done research before giving some scumbag that much money, you gave it to a person and not chinese chemists? Seriously? Are you sure youre 27? Im sorry to be rude about it but usually addicts learn about the drug theyre using, you knew the name of it. You also talked about stretching your supply and the best opiate for that but you never reached over to your iphone and used google? Silk road? Poppy pods?

I am just trying to make sense of it really because to me it doesnt make sense. I bought oc 80s for a while because i didnt do that either, then got wise to it by that very method then tried seeds and loved them. Then pods the right way, all before ever tryiny heroin, that was actuallly very recent in my opiate career.

I dont mean to rag on you on your birthday, hope you do something to have a nice night, but I'm just trying to understand you a little better

[Chip]

wait, you spent  $100,000 on detoxes ?

seriously?

[Z]

Whenever I have drug dreams I wake up as soon as I use them.  Usually it will be injecting coke or heroin, and then sitting up for real and waiting for it to hit me.  It's always disorienting.  Some of the craziest dreams I've had have been in withdrawls, but they do go away.  They settle down as a bit of time goes on usually.


The other thing that did it for me was nicotine patches.  When I tried to quit with the patch I had the craziest most vivid dreams ever.  Lucid dreaming too.  You aren't taking patches or some nicotine supplement are you?

[FlorAtive (OP)]

Thanks for the responses guys.
6-mam, I apologize, but I'm not following your inquiries. I say I have done what before and stretched what out what? And I didn't research what before doing what? I can't totally recall my original post fully, my bad. This is my first real stint in TRUE recovery and WANTING to recovery in 10 years.. I started when I just turned 17 and now I'm 27. I was heavy.. I invested into Google my sophomore of high school and made $256,000 profit in the first year and 2.3 million in the next 2 years. I invested 6 days after they purchased YouTube for 2.6 billion dollars.. it was $16 a share and I purchased $24,000 worth from a mutual fund my family had set up when I was born. I don't have a majority of that money any more... My family became a swamp of greed and we can say that nobody has a mortgage anymore and the little cousins college tuition and dorms are strait paid for. There's some of my financial background.. And that is why paying for 5-star in-patient treatment programs wasn't an issue.
Of course I've had dreams of using in the past when I was in my few stints of recovery over the years, but like I just mentioned, this is my first time being much more serious about it which makes the emotions of guilt more prominent when I wake from using in my dreams.
Current meds and intakes - *Haha bite me* Senior meds, thats all I have for now in that department.
 Melatonin,
200mg 5-HTP b4 bed, (I'm aware of the dream causing 'side-effects' and yes I've been using it nightly for 2 weeks cuz I WANNA!
Vape (.15% nicotine - .3% mixed 50% with nic free flavor) of strawberry milkshake @ 37 watts,
pro-biotic pill with breakfast,
and 3 hits of a Black & Mild in the evening,
& 1 teaspoon of 1ppm silver solution for immunity support in the morning. I'm an oddball let me tell you lol.
As for my heavy WANT of trying poppy, that ship has sailed. I was having a rough few days when I first joined here, and I'll apologize now for my nonsense then. Thank you for being patient as I presumed you were going to be.
Mr. Pooper, Z, all of you, your comments are super appreciated and give me time to look forward to and help me reflect on my more difficult thoughts and times throughout some days. I'm getting better and better each and every day. My dreams are getting more vivid and beautiful, still having spouts of drug acquisition in them, but mostly beautiful. So Thanks for everything so far to you all. I'll post about a dream I had last night in the following comment. It's a rough draft at best, so there's worse run on sentences and double word use in a few places, but it's still interesting Tata for now y'all.

[FlorAtive (OP)]

A side-post not necessary to the subject of my thread, but shows that the following night was more blissful--->
 The dream I had closing out the night of my birthday... As if it were given to me. By an angel?
 I was at a beautiful giant house, only seeing the grand entrance so far. I've begun to draw it on paper and soon in a House Making application.
   Being in this open air grand entrance, I see Mom and Dad pull up in the '65 Cutlass, right outside this glassed front door. I sit in a corner and wait for them to enter. I was a bit out of site and kept pondering, "Wow, this is my parent's new, "other" house. Dad walks past me and opens a beautiful arched top wooden door and walks down some steps as if into a cellar. I presumed it to be a garage. Every wall and floor around me is a crisp white marble. Mom walks in a minute later after taking time to gather a handful of potted flowers and also walks past me, but instead of following dad, goes in a perpendicular direction out to a path that led out to a HUGE viewing garden with a mossy cobblestone path way to take you thru it's wonders. As she was headed for the exit of this open air, covered grand entrance, Grandma Sandy appeared in front of me, also with her back toward me. I was still out of site viewing this angelic place. Mom caught a glimpse of her and invited her for a tour down the path of her garden. Grandma and myself being excited, I hopped up to join the parade beginning down this winding cobblestone path. The first 15 feet of the walk was an open air room with no doors, but housed orchids of all colors and some other extraordinary plants that seemed to not need much sun. An arched opening about 10 feet in height appeared and we walked through it to join a lush garden encasing our surroundings in all directions. Pure wonder. There were smaller paths of soft crushed pine straw branching off of the cobblestone path we were on to be used by mom in tending to her garden. Greens, whites, purples, oranges, yellows, blends, and all shades in between. It seemed impossible to focus on just one color or even one plant! Mom has outdone herself. I know that Mom and Dad somehow inherited this house or it was given to them, but this was Mom's handy work... Her green thumb with a heavenly magic added to it. Mom never turned around to view Grandma and I following her. She was too engulfed into giving the tour of her masterpiece of a garden to have a reason to turn her back from us as she led the way through this knee to waste high forest of entrancement. We approached a walking bridge that led over a quietly flowing stream with river rock as it's river bed. This was no ordinary walking bridge. Maybe it's size, but that is it. The steps were made of a thick rounded grey stone as you would see a castle made of and had a gentle water flowing down them. I was barefoot and began my ascent up 5 steps that had a soft non-slippery algae on them due to the cool water flowing over them. As I reached the top of the bridge, I noticed the landing was made of very small loose stone of which was the source for the water flowing up through it. No one seemed to mind getting their feet wet on this bridge. It was simply meant to be. I had to jog a few strides to catch up to the party of two in front of me due to being entranced by this unique bridge. The algae was too soft to leave behind. By the time I caught up, Mom and Grandma were stopped admiring a section of flowers that radiated a smell that seemed like Jasmine, but even more potent. These flowers were white like jasmine, but were thick, full, and opened like roses. They were the size of a large grapefruit. Admirable. We then starting walking further down this gorgeous never ending path with a sight in the distance of another archway like the one we came from, going to another hopeful magnificent place. Not wanting to lose everything I had seen, and knowing that I was dreaming by this point, woke myself up to begin recording and drawing this place. As I lay in bed with my eyes still shut, Grandma came to let me know that dinner is to be ready, only 5 seconds after waking. Something... everything about this dream didn't seem to be of my control. I have a feeling I'll be back to this place. The feeling of love, prosperity, and warmth in this dream was like nothing I've experienced in any lucid dream before. And I wasn't creating any of this myself.. It definitely felt "given" to me. Magnificent, astounding, beautiful, absolutely angelic.
The dream was much longer than the reading, but that's fine. I've drawn out the basics on paper and will be finding a computer program to begin assembling this incredible garden and grand entrance in detail. The house comes later I hope Thanks for reading.

[Raine]

Withdrawal dreams are like nothing else. So vivid and so emotional too. For me it was usually the using dreams and the frustration dogging me because I could never get the drugs in my body (always would lose them or hop in my dealers car and realize i was in my pajamas with no pockets or money, or the d boy kept calling saying he was about to pull up and hours would go by waiting...oh wait no that last one was real, my bad.)
And the using dreams would be interspersed with dreams/nightmares of getting chased by people with guns and being in what felt like a horror movie or having cops chase me and I keep losing them but then they find me again. 

Something that has helped me in this recovery is a book called rational recovery. The ideas in it a very simple and easy to follow. You can apply it to yourself immediately. No need to go to meetings or get a sponsor or work steps. There is a website with the basic ideas behind it too right there for free but I recommend the book because it goes more in depth and reading it reinforces the concepts. It gave me some peace and even better,  some real control.

I read your posts and it definitely sounds like you are still in withdrawal so please try to hang in there. It sounds like you are in a good place with people who love you and are doing everything they can to help. Wanting to use is normal. It's ok to say it out loud and it's ok to struggle as long as you stay on the side of trying to starve that urge rather than feed it, if it makes sense. The more time you get under your belt the easier that gets. In the beginning it was near constant for me but it definitely dropped off as I stayed away from it.

You've got this.

[FlorAtive (OP)]

Much obliged.. I hate to say it, but I have a 5lb bag of poppy seeds witting in my Walmart.com cart. Sitting... Waiting.. Tempting.. I honestly haven't had this kind of justification blocking my "good thoughts" since I got clean about 9 weeks ago. It's barely even justification.. it's just sheer temptation and wanting a release. I was never into uppers.. just downers. It helped me relax from a constant busy mind as I'm sure many others here understand. I was thinking about buying a little bottle of kratom or even some herbal infused vape for my vape-pen. (Kinda cool stuff I found online actually.. ) A glass of wine would suffice, but the feeling of alcohol makes me nauseous. I was an everyday pot user too. Pot would be wonderful, but theres just no way of getting anything where I am. I think next time I get a ride to walmart, i'll get a prepaid card and order a small round of kratom just to take the edge off. It's the safest thing I can think of for my situation.

[MoeMentim]

don't do anything close to the 5 lbs in one sitting.  i can't say how much as strength varies widely but i would start with a half pound, 45 minutes then decide how much more.

[FlorAtive (OP)]

Thanks MoeMentim. I have no tolerance and am fully aware from the months of research I've been doing.. Half a pound would be my first trial and it would be consumed over a couple hours slowly. Sound good?

[Indy]

The seeds available online for the past couple years or so have been unprecedented in strength. It kind of changed the rules for PST. Right now they're at a lower point compared to other times, but they're still WAY more potent than what you can find in grocery stores (at least last I tried any from a grocery store). For a very long time my dose would be just shy of three pounds of grocery store seeds; if they were good I'd feel good, if not I might even not get well, but the dose stayed mostly the same.

The more popular online seeds are immensely stronger than that. Even though right now they're sort of "meh" compared to the last couple years or so (it has been up and down but overall), they're probably ten times as strong as what I was accustomed to for years.

The point I'm making is, from what you've posted I'm pretty sure I know exactly which seeds you're getting, and if you don't have an opiate tolerance half a pound will be far too much, probably not dangerous but possibly, especially if mixed with benzos or alcohol.

If you don't have an opiate tolerance right now, I would honestly start with 2.5 oz of seeds, or half a cup by volume, and work your way up. You'll probably find decent results with a cup, and you might work your way up to two cups, but don't start there. You can always take more, can't take less once you've imbibed it.

[LadyKalma]

Hey, to the OP, I know you posted this awhile ago, but i read it now and haven't been on the forums in awhile. I feel you, a lot of parts of your story i can empathise with. 11 years of opiates for me, and last august I was convinced by my husband to go do an ibogaine treatment. My intentions were to take a break for a year and lower tolerence and money spent on opiates, his intention is to quit forever, so tehre's major clashing right now but we have not reached the one year point, so i'm sticking it out till then. I told myself I'd give it a chance and see if i start liking being clean ever, but I'm not going to keep on doing it if it keeps on making me misreble. What a way to waste my life, right? Either waste it being sick/paws/depressed from not using or waste it chasing dope.

Kratom daily is the only thing keeping me going right now, but I still feel like I really would be on the methadone clinic if i could. I am seriously considering it, cause the ibogaine treatment for me did not do shit at all, for my husband it took down his withdrawl and helped mentally a lot. He did a 180 turn, never wants to touch opiates again, and is not being very compassionate that I still constatnly crave them. Methadone is the only thing that has helped with the constant craving and helped me to want to lead a productive life in the past.

I can handle being clean if im just laying here doing the minimum, but I can't get myself to excel or have any motivation to try really. Which is why for me I think maybe I need to approach the subject of methadone again, because I got clean to get a different kind of life, not a more misreable more useless semiexistance.

I know this isn't really advice for you, i am just needing to talk about my own situation too, and feel your pain. No one I can tell this stuff to, since they all have their own agendas and want what they want, not want to hear what I need for myself.