lets start this shit off right. how to be a better father.

[Thoms (OP)]

Ight so since we have a mens board now i figure this is the spot. I want to be the best father like role model to Andi's (our) boys. She has thirteen years more experience as a parent and now ive got a little over a year and i feel like im just stumbling through this. Im to the point of seriously knowing i need to and wanting to be clean. Any help id love.

[Chip]

does your partner use ?

if not, getting on maintenance is the next best thing and a more realistic goal.

if so, then getting clean is advised but it still usually requires a period of maintenance ... i have no kids so i can't really talk but i do observe.

[Thoms (OP)]

We are at around day 13 clean.

[Chip]

We are at around day 13 clean.

that's f*cking fantastic ! both of you ? excellent. keep it up because you are on the right path.

priorities - the children must come first and you have a good grasp of this.

i'm pleasantly surprised.

[Thoms (OP)]

Yeah its been a motherfucker but getting better. I still think about it every other thought but im trying to distract myself. So many fucking emotions though.

[Chip]

... that's normal but if you don't feed that desire and you are not sick then those overriding and intrusive craving thoughts will become less noisy and further apart.

addiction, to me, means thinking about the drug constantly.

also, see if this thought helps: when the child(ren) can support themselves or have become older THEN you still have the realistic option of revisiting your active addiction.

the carrot on the stick, if you will (a long stick but ...). your reward. I use drugs as a reward for not using them for a period or by doing the right thing.

the best goal is to take this day by day - if you don't feed it then it does eventually subside.

being a father and doing it right will reap huge benefits for both your self-esteem and the welfare of the *whole* family.

at sone point, chipping may be an option but right now, you need to be the person you want to be - a father that your child thinks is the best (and the coolest).

please stay straight for the job ... do it for the family, do it for you too ... never say never but don't today.

repeat.

[Thoms (OP)]

Thanks chip. Ive always looked up to you man. Your words speak volumes.

[Z]

*chirp* *chirp*

Anyways, I have struggled with this.  I only do drugs when the kids are asleep, and someone sober is around.  It didn't used to be like that, and my relationships suffered immensely.  I am still rebuilding three years later.

I think that if you are worried about being a good father then you are probably doing a good job.  Kids are pretty simple at heart.  They want to be loved, encouraged, and feel safe.  I set aside time for a one on one once a week.  Playing Mario, cards, going to the park.  I let them pick.

I try to guide them and lead through showing what a man is.  I don't always get it perfectly, but I think for the most part they appreciate and understand.

[Thoms (OP)]

Especially today i just feel like i fuck up so much. I feel like im to hard on them but the way i was raised its what i know. We dont spank but, i dont know. Fucking slippery slope being a good role model, i should have specified a step father. I always try and follow Andis lead.

[Z]

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself too.  Just enjoy spending time with them, and don't sweat the small things too much.

It's hard to feel like a role model when you feel like you aren't doing things the right way.  The thing is, you don't have to be perfect.  You just have to struggle honestly and do the best that you can.  Kids see that.  Talk to them about it if you are worried.  Kids see a lot more and are smarter then we give them credit for being sometimes.

Being consistent and being there are probably the two big ones.  They need to feel safe, and that they can rely on you.  That's the basis for everything else to be built on imo.

[Anti-hero]

Never had a dad but plenty of strip ones
The best thing it's eye contact
Get down our just face to face and talk to them
Other wise it's like a t.v. you are just talking at them
One of the things I hated was the fact that they assumed they were my dad
Nope just acts like you are doing the best you can and don't bee
Afraid to admit your mistakes

Teenagers hate authority
You gotta teach them if they can't be good
They better be good at it

If they are that old
Talk to them like they are real
Also proficy always come true
So if you yell them they can do better
They will.
All I got

[Narkotikon]

I'm not a father and never will be, so take this with a grain of salt if you want...

...but I remember during childhood that I hated doing the things my father wanted to do with me. He and I had completely different interests. I don't know if he ever knew that he should probably do things I was interested in if he wanted to spend quality time with me. He eventually gave up trying and would sometimes complain he couldn't connect with me, so I'm guessing he didn't realize that simple concept. But yeah, if you want to spend time with your kids and connect with them then do something they're interested in and actually want to do. Otherwise they'll not want to go, spend time with you, and if you make them they'll be wishing they were somewhere else the entire time.

Tell your kids you love them unconditionally, then actually prove that to them by actually doing it. It may be hard at times, but do it. It will pay dividends in return when they're older.

And if you kids tell you they're gay, a lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, or anything else that's awkward for the kid, do NOT react badly, yell at them, disown them, make them feel ashamed, or god forbid tell them they're not. Simply say "I still love you, and what you just told me is OK. If you react badly, things between you and the kid will never be the same. At least not for a long, long time.

[Thoms (OP)]

Thanks guys. I'm feeling like things are going better. It's all a learning process I tell ya.

[Z]

Just remember that the kids are probably learning too.  They havent had a father in a bit either, have they?  I swear to you that kids are simple and straightforward.  Their needs are very simple.  Have you tried just asking them what would make them happy?  Kids can be surprisingly intelligent and intuitive.  You should give them the chance to tell you what would make them happy.  I bet they will surprise you.  I know that mine are always surprising me!!

[Thoms (OP)]

Yeah I talk to the older one about things like that and I know they care about me like I do them, I struggle with my self esteem and it shows in this thread but things are actually going pretty damn good now. I mean I've come to accept I will make mistakes and so will they and over time we will grow together. The boys both look up to me and honestly I look up to the both of them. I'll continue to learn and more than being a better father I will do my best to become a better person, to keep striving and let the little shit fall to the side. I'll do my best to forgive and forget. I need to slow down on the drugs and interact with them on their level. Much thanks for the input guys.

I know the men's forum wasn't a greatly popular idea and there isn't much traffic here but I hope we can get the most out of it. I know that me and hero are in a little bit of a different boat as both our better halves are on the board so I don't know... Hell in babbling now..