How to tell people you are on MMT

[Griffin (OP)]

When I got arrested and my family found out I couldn't be bailed out they were somewhat happy that I was getting off methadone and by the time I would get out the physical stuff would be done and I would be back to who I was when I was 18 and hadn't used any opiates or even pot yet(although I drank a few beers every night from 15-20). Each day in jail I talked to one of my family members for about 10 minutes it was definitely the highlight of my day each day. Every time I talked to them they always said something about how I sound so much different and better now that I am off methadone and that I won't be sick for much longer then I can be drug free and finally "stay off that crap".


Well I tried really hard at staying clean I made it 100 days on the outside plus the month in jail without using once. I was still having minor withdrawal symptoms though the depression, anxiety, and drug cravings were so awful. I was feeling better physically everyday but was still yawning, eye watering, couldn't sleep, and sweating profusely all day long along with the cravings. The depression was so terrible I had to force myself out of bed each day to goto work and other than work I laid in my bed and would only get up to eat or piss.


Once I found out I wasn't going to prison I decided to get back on it even though my family has been helping/pushing me to stay clean. I didn't use the entire time I was out and still haven't. mainly because I don't want to goto prison. So even though I haven't used heroin or pills sense November 15th 2013 they still saw the methadone and subs I was on before MMT as me still using. They were always pushing me to get off of it and try anti-depressants again to deal with all anxiety and depression issues. When I made the call to my clinic where I was still going twice a month for drug counseling because it is free with medicaid, as is my methadone, they told me they weren't accepting anyone at that time and it would probably be 4 months until a spot opened up and I was only able to get on that list because I was on probation your pregnant or on probation you can get on the list everyone else they just told them they weren't accepting anyone new at all.


I thought well I am going to try and stay clean until a spot opens up and hopefully when it does I wont need it. Well after about 4 weeks after getting on the list. I was having terrible cravings and I was falling apart mentally. Everything was going great for me I was able to get a house and job within 2 weeks of getting out I got my license and car and all my stuff back but I was so depressed and wanted to use all day every day and just couldn't get out of bed my counselor who I had been seeing for the last year talked to the doctor and got me in. I was so happy to be able to end the misery I was going through, but at the same time I was very concerned what my family would think or say.


Well I couldn't tell them when I decided to get back on they just don't understand and I still haven't but was thinking about doing it if I am able to come home for the holidays. I have always been completely upfront and honest and told them everything because I have a pretty good relationship with everyone in my family and they are all amazing. I never once stole or used there money for drugs and when I was using I distanced myself from them so they wouldn't see me destroying myself but I still talked to them on a regular basis and kept up appearances. I just don't know how to tell them at all or what to say or if I even should. It is hard because I have no one to talk to about it. When I first got on it in 2013 they had mixed emotions they knew that I was almost hitting bottom but they just wanted me to kick and stay clean and I couldn't. I could't even stay clean for more than 3 weeks the 10 months I was on subs. 

I dont know what I should do, I want them to support me and I want to be honest with them and I know they'll say that they support and still love me but they will start pushing me to get off of it and will see it as I am still using. I wouldn't know where to begin and the second I tell them they are going to be upset with me for getting back on it when I was "doing so good" and their perception of me will change in that second. What would you guys do? I mean my mom takes a fuck ton of xanax each night to goto sleep and every male in my family is on an anti-depressant of some kind and they don't see it as i do. I see it as me taking an anti-depressant that works perfect for me I haven't had a panic attack sense getting on it. I don't have any trouble sleeping, I don't have any depression or anxiety. My overall quality of life is 10000x better than it was before getting back on it.

I hate upsetting them and for whatever reason I have to out do both of my brothers and show that I am the perfect son. I have a weird complex of getting their approval and I just don't know what to do at this point. Instantly all of my family will disapprove of me everyone except my grandma who is the most amazing person in the world will be pushing me to get off MMT. I swear if I killed someone my grandma would help me hide the body she is that amazing of a person. Each time I talked to her she told me we all make mistakes you'll get through this and I love you just the same. She was the only one who sent me letters and cards and she even put $60 on my commissary so that I could talk to her and everyone else and she doesn't have very much money.


She even drove 10 hours to come see me. The day she was supposed to visit she drove up the night before and stayed in a hotel. Well the next morning at 5 am the C/O's told me to roll up I was going to the county where I was on probation (only had 45 days of the 18 months left when I was arrested) because I violated my probation they had to put a warrant out for me. I got a PR bond out of the county I was arrested in 2 days before she came to visit me. Well long story short they won't let me make a phone call to tell her I was being transported 3 hours away to the county I was on probation in. So when she came to visit I wasn't there and they didn't tell her where I was going they said it was policy and couldn't tell her. So she drove for 20 hours roundtrip, got a hotel, and still wasn't able to see me.

When I got out she gave me $300 for a deposit so that I wouldn't be homeless anymore because I could only pay the first months rent after living on the streets and hotel's for the 2 weeks before I found the house. She also paid the $95 Drivers license reinstatement fee for me for my birthday and like I said she doesn't have much money just a heart of gold she is the nicest most amazing person in the world I swear. I had 2500 saved up and by the time I got out of jail I had about 800.

My brothers took everything I owned and my car to Oklahoma so when I got out I had nothing but the clothes on my back and a little cash. I have no family and few friends where I live. This time was better than the first time I got arrested because that time it was November and I only had shorts, a t-shirt, and a hoodie plus the bus ticket they gave me. The jail took all my money for booking and processing fees and my phone because it was part of the case. So that time I was homeless for 6 months before I got into a place thank god for the homeless shelter I got into the last two months so that I was able to save up enough money to get back on my feet and they helped land me a job and sense I went through there program I got a $5500 pell grant even though I wasn't eligible for one because I made $45,000 the year before. Making it so I could get back into college.


If you don't want to read all of that novel here is the jist of what I am asking

Should I tell my family I got back on MMT 3 months ago after 100+ days clean when I know they will be upset with me and view me as using again? They were so happy that I was off even though I was miserable they just kept saying I would get better and it didn't. If prison wasn't the ultimatum I would of been using the day I got out. They think if your on methadone your high 24/7 and its no different than getting high on oxy's.

How should I tell them if I do? It will be in person I wont tell them over the phone.

How can I explain to them that I am clean and it makes my quality of life better? The only bad side effect would be if I get arrested and have to kick in jail again.

Also how do you guys go about telling people who you start dating? I figure I will know when the time is right but how do you guys word it? I used to be a junkie now I take methadone daily and haven't used in 2 years?




Griffin

[Anti-hero]

Don't tell them
In her to talk to support
But I am a user
But I would do anything to help

Some people just don't get it
I would tell your grand ma
I had a cool grand ma too
We would sit on her porch
She would drink Dixie beer
And I would smoke down

Other then head she was the only
Woman who just loved me.
So you got that going for you
I'm gonna email you my number
And you will have my email

Keep truckin dude
Your are doing good
Tell them on five years
You can then say that it's the one reason
You are not breaking the la if they b are all on anti depressants
Tell them that mdone
Is the antidepressant
That works for you


✌

[Chip]

I say: "I'm on MMT"

[theSWPK]

It's gonna vary from person to person how they react. Sometime you'll get that guy that holds a grudge against anybody addicted to opiates because a family member fucked him over. With the addiction in this country growing, it's honestly hard to find anyone that's unaffected.

It really sucks.
I always find the cop or supervisor that's like that. A few months ago when I was arrested I had a police officer tell me I was a piece of shit for not going to rehab while I was homeless.

[Sand and Water]

Hey Griffin, it's great that you've got such an awesome grandma!  I agree with Hero's advice, except I'd wait a year, then point to your continued successes. Maybe get some literature about MMT and its purpose and they may see it's very much NOT about "using"; rather it helps you to NOT cave in.

Sometimes, no matter how you try to explain, people just have a prejudice. Nothing I can see you can do about it. I totally get the wanting to be the perfect child etc, but you already know how you feel without the maintenance. Can you live with not giving them full disclosure until a time where you think they might be able to set aside their prejudice and really "hear" you? 

What I see is you doing a great job and moving forward. Though I know how hard it is to feel like you're maybe being some sort of a "disappointment" to others, at the end of the day, I think it's way more important to be happy with the person looking back at me in the mirror.  Everything you're saying tells me that you found a way to get what you need out of life. Huge congrats to you.   

[Lolleedee]

 You do not owe anyone an explaination about what you are doing.  If you are over 18, you can make your own decisions.  I know that you want to be honest and I commend you for that, but you are looking for a response from your family that you aren't likely to get.

I'm with Chipper!  I just say "i'm on MMT!"  Every one of us who is on maintenence and tries to hide it is adding to the stigma of this very effective treatment!  If we hide our treatment out of some fucked up, misplaced sense of guilt or failure, how on earth can we expect those around us to understand what methadone treatment is all about AND support us in our treatment?

It doesn't matter if your family agrees with your choice or not.  It is working for you!  You can try to talk to the nay-sayers until you are blue in the face, but nothing you say will convince them that MMT is right...but you know what will??  You actions!  Slowly they will see that you are advancing in all part of your life.  As things continue to improve, they will be left with no choice but to admit that methadone works.

However, even if they never come around, it doesn't change the facts that treatment is working for you.  We all have to make decisions that are in our best interest even if others don't approve.  If you spend your life trying to please everyone, the only thing you will be is stressed out and miserable.

tl/dr...Say "i'm on methadone.  It is working great for me. I've never been happier or felt better!".  If they come back at you with any of a million arguments, keep your cool and jut say "i'm sorry you feel that way." and leave it at that.  I find when I calmly continue to just state "i'm sorry you feel that way,"  it disarms the situation and they eventually give up!

oh yeah...and what Sand and Water said!

[dizzle]

dude I'm sorry, but they are not treating you fairly.


WHAT IS THEIR HANGUP ON METHADONE??

Don't they see that you have soul crushing depression wthout it? Don't they see that you need it to function normally??


It sounds to me like that "drug war" logic being imported into your relationships. They're basically saying "drugs are bad, mmmmkay" without ANY regard for what it's doing for you and how it allows you to be a normal person.

You said repeatedly how awesome they are, well, I'm sure they are, but in all honesty they sound like they are taking a close minded approach to this and refusing to see any points outside of their view. You could give them truckloads of proof that you're a better human being on methadone and that it makes you stable, happy and productive, but it sounds like they wouldn't care and just respond with "drugs are bad mmmmkay, when are you going to get off them?"

I'm sorry, you have a terribly difficult situation to deal with here, and I personally wouldn't tell them you're on it at all. Maybe like hero said you can do it in like 5 years, but no matter what you say or how yo usay it, or what proof you have that it's beneficial, they're not going to get off your nuts about it once you tell them.

When you do decide to tell them, and they get pissed bc you kept it from them for so long, you can tell them "you forced my hand there, for constantly making me feel like I was broken while I was on it, and always berating me to get off of it, I felt that I couldn't talk to you about it, which is really sad to me, because I've always been able to tell you everything"

See how that flies, but no matter what you do, DO NOT TELL THEM RIGHT NOW. You'll NOT GET THE RESULTS you want

[razor girl]

NO.  That kind of stuff is on a need to know basis and people like that don't need to know (IMO).  The only person who really needs to know is your dealer (methadone dispenser) (and maybe some friends) definitely not family.  Especially if they would f up you getting stable on done. 

[Griffin (OP)]

Thank you everyone you are all amazing! I really appreciate all the advice I've struggled with it sense I got arrested and I told them a million times when I got out that I was about to break and they just said it will be hard but everything is so much better now that I am clean. They are cool with weed and like i said my mom takes xanax every night and before she got a dui she drank like a fish. My dad he doesn't really understand it or care really he's got a new family so I don't necessarily care about what he says about it because in my whole life its been hard to have a real conversation that lasted more than 15 minutes with him.


I think a lot of you are right if I tell them they may accept my decision but their view of me will completely change and they will instantly nag and basically ask me every time we talk when are you going to taper or when are you going to get off that crap. I had the conversation a hundred times with my mom and brother and got no where they don't see the difference in MMT and me using. When I was staying clean waiting to get a plea deal or sentenced I struggled with everyday shit not taking a shower not brushing my teeth basically I didn't get up for anything besides work.


 I was good at being a functioning addict I always had a job and paid all my bills never asked them for anything while both my brothers struggled(not with addiction just in general). I eventually lost my shit and couldn't continue functioning as an addict I always distanced myself when shit got bad and would come back when I was trying to get or stay clean. By the time I got on mmt I had sold all my possessions and got fired from my $65000 a year job and lost my insurance that was paying for my subs which weren't working and only helping me spiral further out of control. I lost my car, house and every single possession from selling it to buy more dope and then catching that first shit charge and having my ex girlfriend take all my shit to another state. I don't know if they are just ignorant to the fact that I was a shady little junkie fuck before I got on methadone.


Within a year of getting on MMT I bought myself a car, went from being homeless for 6 months coming out of jail with nothing but probation and a hoodie to having an apartment, I got myself back into college, landed my dream job and then when I got arrested all the things i had done to better my situation were effectively erased in their mind and they think of MMT as being high all the time and blamed methadone for me getting arrested and I couldn't have a conversation with them about shit. I finally had reach 18 months of clean time on MMT and gotten 2 weeks of take outs which is the highest you can go pretty much in colorado. They still didn't see the difference in me using and me being on methadone. All they want is for me to be clean and happy and that shit just doesn't go together very well in my world.

I do hate not being able to tell them and the fact that if I do I am instantly a junkie again. I was kinda hoping they would figure it out when I went from telling them everyday how many clean days I had and how miserable I was and that I was pushing myself to no avail. To everything is going great again I can afford my bills and am trying to get everything back in order I was able to get my car and my license and all my shit back. I am trying to get a better job and back in school getting arrested kind of fucked my financial aid up so I have to file an appeal and it get approved for me to get back in school unless I can save up $2000+ for each semester.

The only downside is having to goto the clinic every day but in 6 months ill only have to go once a week and a few months after that I will get 2 weeks at a time so that really isn't a big deal sense I live 5 miles from my clinic. I did spill my sunday takehome all over me this last saturday on accident I forgot it was in my console while I was driving to work and I went to grab a caffeine pill for work sense I stopped drinking pop to help lose weight I grabbed the bottle and took the top off and poured the whole dose in my hand It kinda made me laugh that I was that dumb. I take caffeine pills on occasion usually 100 mgs which is a little more than a mountain dew has in it because I sometimes work till midnight.

I think they are going to find out when I go home for the holidays because I will have to guest dose somewhere more than likely and I will have to borrow one of their cars to go dose. If they do find out or I just tell them I think it will be a little stress off my mind I am not going to win the argument of me taking it ever so knowing that will definitely help me deal with it. I hope they don't find out but at the same time its something that I contemplate a lot and it stresses me out occasionally.

Again thank you all for the support and everything getting home from work and reading everyones post made me feel so much better about the situation. I don't think they will get it unless I go back to using and overdose or some shit and they realize how stable and amazing I am doing being on it. Even then idk if they would change there position. I tried to convince them the whole time I was clean to get there approval of doing it and it literally got me no where and when I knew I couldn't take it anymore was when I made the call to get back on. I didn't even care about going to prison over using at that point I just wanted the agony to end. 4 months is a long time to feel like a worthless piece of shit with no energy or motivation. For all the people that were able to step away from methadone or opiates I commend you and your willpower. I am not at that point and don't know if I will ever be but I will know when the time comes if I am ready to try it again.



Griffin

[jdub]

I had/ have a similar situation. My pops was always pushing me to taper and asking when I would get off the dome. Then I got off it, they saw that I couldn't stop using on my own and just kinda accepted that my life improved on maintenance. They're not happy about it, because I think they'd rather tell themselves their son isn't an addict, and all that was in the past. I wish that I didn't have to maintain on done too, but it is what it is.

I know you don't want them to look at you like an addict, but if you do tell them, just let your life and actions speak for themselves, and hopefully they'll see what's up eventually. But basically, you're an adult and you have to make the choices you feel are best for your own life.

Shoot me a pm if you wanna chat. I'm stoned and rambling.

[Narkotikon]

No, do not tell them.  Not now or in the near future at least. 

I think you're feeling a little guilty, because you ordinarily do have an open, honest relationship with your family.  That dynamic makes you want to keep your family informed.  Ordinarily that's a great thing.  But if you tell them this, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  They're simply unwilling and unable to accept it for what it is.  You can provide them with all the statistics, HR information, and evidence that MMT works, but that won't change their opinions. 

Like Dizzle said, they've been indoctrinated with the WoD bullshit.  The fact they said "now you won't have to use again" after you got out of jail and were sober tells me they're very ignorant to drugs and addiction.  They don't understand the concept of craving and relapse.  To them, once you're out of w/d, you're back to normal.  That's not the way it works.  Even if you go through the acute w/d, you've got months or years of PAWS.  Do they even know what PAWS is?  That's really rhetorical.  I'm guessing they don't. 

You're simply not going to get the sense of validation that you crave from them.  They will NOT understand or be supportive.  Not now.  If you do tell them, I'd wait until at least a year has passed.  And even then, ONLY if you've continued to make progress.  If you slip up, relapse, or get in trouble while on MMT, even just once, they'll hold it against you if you told them.  They'll cite that one instance to show you MMT is bad.  They won't consider all the facts, the big picture.  Please don't tell them now.  It won't end well. 

I suggest you talk to the people here about your MMT journey.  Use this place to journal / post about your experiences, both good and bad.  You'll get better support, from people who've actually been there and understand.  At the same time you'll receive the validation you're unable to get from your family regarding this topic. 

[Snoop]

The thing about it is... People "normies" believe that a forced kick will fix it all. And you can quit. And it'll be "easier"

The reality is, you will quit when you're damn Good and ready.

As far as telling... I try not to tell ANYONE what I take, for it will be used against me later.

[Griffin (OP)]

Again thanks for the replies I think you guys are right with not telling them only one person in my family knows and that is my uncle. Me and him are very close he is only 10 years older than me and worked on the 90 acres I lived on growing up and was a drug counselor for a few years. I smuggled weed for his ex-wife who had cancer at the time so I think that alone will make it so that I can trust him to not inform my family. Even if I hadn't I don't think he would say anything unless he was scared for my life like if I was using again and hitting bottom and they didn't know he might tell my brothers, mom, or grandma so that they could talk to me and give me support.

They do know what paws is to an extent, like I said my mom takes xanax every night a few milligrams and she was trying to stop once and went through the whole benzo withdrawal and she got back on them with in a month or 2. I just don't understand the hypocrisy from her, because xanax has far worse side effects both short and long term and she can't live without it even though she only takes it at night to sleep I don't see the difference.

I have explained to her and my brother what paws is and they just say it will get better with time which is true but how long I can deal with that and stay clean is limited. Even when prison was an ultimatum it was hard to stay clean. If I was off paper trying to stay clean I really don't think I could at this point. They both came to see me right before I got back on it and they could tell how miserable I was. Having to take 5 shirts with me everywhere I went because with an hour my pit sweat stains were noticeable to the point I couldn't cover it up. They could see the black rings under my eyes because I couldn't sleep and the constant eye watering/yawning and I was at the 3 month point.


My whole moms side of my family is very christian and I don't think any of them know about my addiction or anything. They know I got arrested for a DUI this time only because I was coming to see them. I doubt they even know about the first arrest because my mom is so worried about her image that she doesn't want them to think she was a bad parent because her kids are fuckups.
 

[DeadCat]

I haven't read the yet so this isn't in response to any of them But my advice, after years and years of being on Bupe is: DON'T.  DOn't volunteer it, don't talk to anyone except health care providers who have a need to know. Seriously.

I was so rous that I had turned arousn a 15 year daily IV heroin habit with the help of buprenorphine and thininking I would be a good example that people can and do beat the worst parts of drug dependence. I was wont, peole judge, they talk. Pharmacists find ways to deny you almost any med that MIGHT give you a buzz. Busybody nurses put a lieelt yellow siticker on yor file that is code fo "drug seeker" even if you never asked for a sleeping pill.

Peopl gossip they they take marginally secret delight in seeing othrs struggle and fail, even when you succeed. The only acceptable thing and it is still going to put a stain on you is to say "I went to AA and havent have a drug or dink in [some exact number of years mohs and days] lke yo are some repentant sinner.

At least that's how it is oin the land of the free, where a little over 100 years ago you could buy heroin and cocaine from the Sears mail order catalogueand on the way home from work at the corner drug store.

Where vasst numbers of people line up for their SSRI "happy pills" that coincidentally make a percentage of them homicidal and suicidal. All those school shootings and other mass murders. I bet you dollars to donuts that if you chart SSRI prescriptions and mass shootings they would be parallel lines on a graph. Where 22 veterans a day commit suicide, a huge percentage of them on the same shit to "treat" PTSD.

Sorry agian rant will be stopped here. But kep MMT and Bupe on a "need to know basis."

[DeadCat]

I haven't read the yet so this isn't in response to any of them But my advice, after years and years of being on Bupe is: DON'T.  DOn't volunteer it, don't talk to anyone except health care providers who have a need to know. Seriously.

I was so rous that I had turned arousn a 15 year daily IV heroin habit with the help of buprenorphine and thininking I would be a good example that people can and do beat the worst parts of drug dependence. I was wont, peole judge, they talk. Pharmacists find ways to deny you almost any med that MIGHT give you a buzz. Busybody nurses put a lieelt yellow siticker on yor file that is code fo "drug seeker" even if you never asked for a sleeping pill.

Peopl gossip they they take marginally secret delight in seeing othrs struggle and fail, even when you succeed. The only acceptable thing and it is still going to put a stain on you is to say "I went to AA and havent have a drug or dink in [some exact number of years mohs and days] lke yo are some repentant sinner.

At least that's how it is oin the land of the free, where a little over 100 years ago you could buy heroin and cocaine from the Sears mail order catalogueand on the way home from work at the corner drug store.

Where vasst numbers of people line up for their SSRI "happy pills" that coincidentally make a percentage of them homicidal and suicidal. All those school shootings and other mass murders. I bet you dollars to donuts that if you chart SSRI prescriptions and mass shootings they would be parallel lines on a graph. Where 22 veterans a day commit suicide, a huge percentage of them on the same shit to "treat" PTSD.

Sorry agian rant will be stopped here. But kep MMT and Bupe on a "need to know basis."