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Author Topic: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?  (Read 6968 times)

Offline Chip (OP)

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I did.

I found my breaking point and i remember how much i couldn't give a fuck. i almost died. it's an old story due to a spinal infection.

it IS possible to just not care - if this is you then PLEASE reach out !
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Offline Narkotikon

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2015, 12:35:39 PM »
Yeah, I have, at a few points in my life.  I'd guess I'd have to say four.  One was when I was a kid in the 5th grade and was being horribly bullied by practically everyone to some extent.  The worst was one particular child sociopath (IMO).  I would sit by myself on the swingset on the opposite end of the playground everyone else was.  I remember just being numb.  Like dissociating, like an extreme form of daydreaming. 

Second time was probably in college, spring 2000.  I wasn't quite yet 20, and I had just lost my two friends at college.  One cut off contact b/c of emotional disputes.  The other cut off contact simply b/c the other did.  It was very traumatic b/c I hadn't had really any friends before.  So it was painful to have joy like that then have it suddenly taken away.

Third time was in mid-2006, when I was at the methadone clinic.  That shit was just way too sedating for me.  For one I think I was on too much methadone (140mg), which was partly my fault and partly the doctor's / clinic's fault, and would just pass out from about 12:00-1:00 every day to about 10:00-11:00 at night.  It was an oppressive sedation, like being on phenobarbital all day, every day.  That really exacerbated my depression.

Fourth and last time was five years ago in 2010.  I was about to turn 30, and felt like the world's biggest looser.  No direction, no career, living at home, no purpose or goal in life.  I just hated myself.  I also felt very numb, indifferent to anything.  Didn't care if I lived or died.  In fact, I did something really fucking stupid.  From about May to November of that year, I flippantly tried to get infected with HIV.  I slept with 8 different guys in that period, using no protection.  I didn't know if they were positive, but then again I think I was secretly hoping they were.  I just wanted a way out.  Looking back, even if I were to die, that would have been a horrible death.  Thankfully I didn't get infected.  I took several HIV tests after that.  One in Feb. 2011, one in Oct. 2011, one in Feb. 2012, and another in Jan. 2013.  All negative.  Yes, I know how stupid I was for doing that.

All in all, I think anyone who deals with depression has felt this way at least one point in their lives, to some extent.  There is help out there if / when you want it.  I've always thought therapy while taking medication works the best.  The therapy helps you work through these issues and learn better coping skills.  The medication helps alleviate some of the symptoms and makes the therapy more effective. 

Much luck to anyone who deals with this. 
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Offline Lolleedee

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2015, 12:51:46 PM »
Nark, I just read your post and my heart just ached for you!  I too have been in a place that dark...right before I got on methadone for the second time in 2013.  I won't go into the gorey details, but I know how the dark abyss feels...and I am so very sorry that you eveer had to experience that.  Much love, my friend!
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Offline Narkotikon

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2015, 01:00:22 PM »
Nark, I just read your post and my heart just ached for you!  I too have been in a place that dark...right before I got on methadone for the second time in 2013.  I won't go into the gorey details, but I know how the dark abyss feels...and I am so very sorry that you eveer had to experience that.  Much love, my friend!

Thanks for your support Lolleedee.  I appreciate it.  I'm much better now.  I don't feel like I wanna die or anything.  Mainly just have a lingering indifference to things (i.e., lack of motivation).  The older I get the more okay with being me I guess.  It's great to just accept things as they are, and not putting society's / other people's expectations on myself.  I think it's very liberating when you cease to compare yourself to others and what they think you should be.  Of course it's a process.  No one succeeds at first.

I'm very sorry to hear that you've been in that place too.  I wish you luck in dealing with it, should it ever happen again.  You seem much more stable now.  I'm glad you got on MMT and achieved some stability in your life.  It's so nice to not have to worry about being sick, and all that entails. 
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Offline Lolleedee

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2015, 02:41:07 PM »
The methadone definitely helped...I wish I hadn't waited so long to get back on...too busy listening to the nay sayers.  I have since decided that they have no fucking clue what is best for me...I do, damn it!!!

I know well that feeling of not actively trying to die, but not giving a fuck if you do.  I guess it is the extreme end of anhedonia.  I always thought that after I dealt with some of my "issues" I would feel better, but that flat feeling has been a part of me since I was a small child. No wonder I loved opiates!!! FINALLY I could enjoy things...things other people enjoyed so effortlessly....like friends, family, rainbows..all that shit!

I think as we get older we learn how to accept ourselves more than we did.  I wish it were easy to do, but as you mentioned, it is a process.

I try to remember that no one really cares what I do...they are all too busy wondering who is judging THEM!  So, I'm just working on trying to accept myself more.  What amazes me is that I accept everyone for who they are, what they do, who they love....I just can't be that accepting to myself....ahhhh something else to work on,

I wish I had some great words of wisdom...unfortunately I am at a loss.  I do hope that you continue to climb out of the darkness...I'm around if you ever need a sounding board!
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Offline Junkette

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2015, 01:42:23 AM »
At the end with heroin, I just wanted to O.D so bad...but my tolerance was so ridiculous I couldn't. Talk about fucking depressing, I knew I was out of control but didn't really know how to get help or what help was. In Ohio there is really no infrastructure to deal with the heroin crisis...getting into the Methadone Clinic takes MONTHS...Suboxone must be paid for in cash because it's a money racket and not really about "enriching" lives.

After rehab I was Homicidal-Suicidal. I had all this rage at society, I think I was really on the verge of going psychotic. I was destroying my life. I was miserable to be around and everyone noticed. One day, about a week after I got my dog, I was sitting on the couch with him...he was trembling and afraid because I had just had a blow up with the wifey, over something that was basically just me being crazy. I knew, that for me, pharmaceutical roulette with a psychiatrist was not something I was willing to subject myself to again. I realized that instead of seeing Opiate Dependence as some terrible plague on my life, I had to learn to walk hand in hand with it, and treat the opiates as the medicines they are.

At this point it also became very clear that all opiates come from a plant, and that a plant can be grown. For some reason, and I don't know why, I always saw Opiates as something that only came from a chemistry lab. It sounds dumb but it was a major breakthrough and put me back in control of my life. I figured out that there was another way, outside of NA/AA or even Suboxone/Methadone. There was a way I could do maintenance and still be free.

Opiates have helped me tremendously with whatever mental illness it is, that I have...although I have a strong feeling its Borderline Personality Disorder caused by having PTSD that went untreated my whole life....well not untreated...but not treated effectively. Anti-Psychotics, Anti-Depressants, etc don't work for BPD/PTSD but Opiates do because they disrupt the negative feedback loop and constant recollection of traumas. What makes me sad is that top Psychologist/Psychiatrist's are aware that opiates work best for these disorders but cannot r.x. them due to all the stigma and bullshit. It does give me hope that some countries are using Suboxone to treat BPD/PTSD...although even the literature states that good old Morphine works best...

I know a lot of people out there are struggling, feeling weak and down in the dirt...opiate dependence can be a real pain the the ass...but if you think about it...its way better than having diabetes! or MS! or a lot of other shit.
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Offline Bhoris

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2015, 02:07:49 AM »
I clearly remember feeling that way just before my first trip to rehab. At the time, I was in the depths of a 2-3 month IV dope/coke binge. I was doing roughly a gram and a half of dope and about 2-3 grams of coke a day. I was extremely emaciated, rarely showered, ate maybe 3 or 4 times a week total, and just didn't give a shit whether I lived or died. In fact, I pretty much resigned myself to the idea that the end was near and that was that. Most days I didn't leave my house. When I was admitted to rehab and going through intake, the doctor literally looked at me and said "Boy, you made it here just in time. I'd say you probably wouldn't have lasted another month or two at the rate you were going." For some reason that statement really shook me. It could have been the serious but caring tone in his voice, the concerned look on his face, or something else altogether but I'll never forget that day. Anyway, I've done a lot of work on myself and although I'm still using I'm certainly in a much better place mentally, emotionally, and physically than I was back then.
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Offline kat1lifeleft

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2015, 04:33:19 AM »
This thread is giving me alot to think about. I recognize many of these same things about myself. Good thread you guys. Hope everyone is getting better.
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Offline Diacetylmorphinefiend

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2015, 05:04:50 AM »
I didn't give a fuck if I lived or died during this last run before I got on methadone a few months ago. I shared a needle with a girl who told me she had hep c and I was just like "I'll be dead from drugs way before the hep c kills me.". My whole theory was that if I went hard enough for long enough and did enough wreckless things I would eventually die. I attempted suicide last year and got arrested instead of dying. That really turned me off to the idea of suicide by heroin and benzos and tool much of a pussy to do anything more violent so I figured the go hard theory was rational enough. I did that for awhile and for some reason after a few months the depression gradually lessened and I decided to get on methadone. And here I am today.

It was a weird time in my life. In many ways it was liberating. I didn't have to care about the consequences of my actions because I was planning on dying soon anyway. In other ways I did damage to my life that I am just really coming to terms with.
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Offline Narkotikon

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2015, 05:06:55 AM »
...but Opiates do because they disrupt the negative feedback loop and constant recollection of traumas. What makes me sad is that top Psychologist/Psychiatrist's are aware that opiates work best for these disorders but cannot r.x. them due to all the stigma and bullshit. It does give me hope that some countries are using Suboxone to treat BPD/PTSD...although even the literature states that good old Morphine works best...

I agree with you on that.  Morphine / PPT / PST always made me feel normal, social, outgoing, and just better.  Suboxone helps some, but I certainly don't get the social, outgoing aspect I got from morphine.  Maybe when I first started it and got a slight high / glow, but not now.  Now I just feel normal.  It's like I'm not taking an opioid at all, which is fine I guess.  Morphine and other opiates should be researched and implemented more in psychiatric use IMO.

I found this interesting.  When I was at the clinic several years ago, the doctor there was telling me about a doctor in NY he knew that scripted hydrocodone to his cutting patients.  Because one of the primary reasons for cutting is to reduce stress via the release of endorphins, he told his patients to take Vicodin when they felt the need to cut. 
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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2015, 05:34:31 AM »
I figured the go hard theory was rational enough.

Hell, the "go-hard theory" almost put me in the ground and I wasn't even necessarily trying to kill myself. I simply just didn't care what happened to me and used massive amounts of IV heroin and cocaine on a daily basis for way too long. I imagine I probably wouldn't be here today if I were actually trying to end my life.

It was a weird time in my life. In many ways it was liberating. I didn't have to care about the consequences of my actions because I was planning on dying soon anyway. In other ways I did damage to my life that I am just really coming to terms with.

I totally agree with you there. Being so depressed that you just don't give a shit is quite liberating in a way. You end up doing things that you wouldn't normally do and not all of them turn out badly necessarily. It was definitely an interesting time in my life, to say the least.
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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2015, 07:45:54 AM »
Can you be more specific about what you mean by "Ill"? As in a physical health problem or both physical and mental. Or just withdraws?

I'd like to post but I'm not sure what you mean by ill.
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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2015, 07:48:08 AM »
I'd just take it as meaning any kind of illness. 
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Offline Chip (OP)

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2015, 11:47:28 AM »
I didn't think the thread would yield so many similar responses but it's an all too familiar result of wanton druge abuse.

contrary to what we thought, more drugs had the opposite effect on me/us ... you get so immersed in the drug use-score-use cycle that you disconnect with mainstream society and all the routines that go with it.

although I felt so alone, sick and stranded, back then I had no sane person to turn to.

how I wish I had access to all the good people and technology that i have now because I doubt that I would've plunged into the drug abyss.

medical issues from IV use will undoubtably arise the longer and harder you go - if you think it will never happen to you then you are either lucky, very careful or mistaken.
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Offline Snout

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Re: Ever Gotten So Ill That You Didn't Really Care Much About Yourself ?
« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2015, 11:10:35 PM »
I didn't think the thread would yield so many similar responses but it's an all too familiar result of wanton druge abuse.

contrary to what we thought, more drugs had the opposite effect on me/us ... you get so immersed in the drug use-score-use cycle that you disconnect with mainstream society and all the routines that go with it.

although I felt so alone, sick and stranded, back then I had no sane person to turn to.

how I wish I had access to all the good people and technology that i have now because I doubt that I would've plunged into the drug abyss.

medical issues from IV use will undoubtably arise the longer and harder you go - if you think it will never happen to you then you are either lucky, very careful or mistaken


This! I've hAd a lot of medical issues from many years of shooting tar. I haven't shot any tar since the summer, but I've got zero veins left and my skin looks like the coat of leopard or cheetah, but not in a good way. And I can relate to the post about wanting to OD but having to much tolerance. I'm way better now!
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I myself have found a real rival in myself,
I am hoping for a re-arrival of my health- wilco

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