drugs-forum.com: Life of a long time IV meth user

[Chip (OP)]

source: https://drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=290768

Life of a long time IV meth user

Okay so I started slamming speed daily at the age of 18 and aside from a few stops like prison or relocation, I've been going strong ever since. It's now been right around 7 years and to say I'm "going strong" might be a bit of an understatement. For the last 2+ years I've been virtually isolated in my using and doing 4-8 shots daily. I slam more dope than anybody I know and believe me, I know the worst of em. Im so used to being high that I've managed to hold a job for a couple years although my skills are dismal and the only reason they keep me around is because I can clean like a mother fucker. I don't socialize with anyone there and every day I battle with extreme paranoia that my Co workers are talking behind my back and God for bid someone laughs or whispers because in my mind I'm constantly under observation. I'm always late, literally always, and at least 2-3 times a month I sleep through my shift. I do shots in the bathroom and go from cloud nine to panic attack to borderline crying in a matter of minutes. I guess management sees that I got a good heart and how hard I work so they keep me around despite it all. I live with my dad who thinks I've been clean since I got released from prison in 2014. It breaks my heart when I think about the day that he finds out other wise. It's impossible to keep a major lifestyle choice a secret forever. Someone asked me who my friends were a while back and I named off my dope dealers. Upon further speculation I realized I literally have no friends. I stay high alone and am a frequenter of gas station bathrooms and abandoned parking lots. My meth addiction fuels an extremely impulsive addiction to gambling. I mean every dollar that I don't absolutely have to spend on bills or ciggarettes etc. Gets put in a slot machine and since my paycheck is gone the same day I get it, I am forced to sleep with men for money. I'm not out on the street corner or anything but have managed to round up 4 or 5 creepy old guys that keep plenty of money in my pocket. Hell I even got a car, 2 lease agreements, a $600 puppy, and a brand new iPhone 6 outta these dudes. Despite the benefits of being a "sugar baby" (hate that term but it's better than prostitute) I've lost my morals and values which causes me to literally black out that entire chunk of my reality. It's hard for me to even write about it right now because in my world none of that exists. I do my best to cover up my fucked up life and my mess of the past whenever I talk to people which means I have to lie lie lie and be someone I'm not 100% of the time. It's psychological suicide. I don't have anyone out there that really knows how fucked up my life is so I don't have anyone to remind me how fucked up my life is so I just keep continuing on like this. It's getting harder tho. At this point I literally have zero friends. I mean ZERO. I'm alone so much that I catch myself talking to myself much more than what is socially acceptable and unless I have a big old dose of meth every couple of hours I sink into the biggest ugliest hole of depression you can imagine. I mean the kind of sadness most people won't ever experience. Aside from the fact that my brain is now devoid of any dopamine and probably permanently so, I have a lot to be sad about. Although I'm still pretty, (super skinny, but pretty) I feel my looks really starting to deteriorate. I'm loosing teeth, got a couple wrinkles, and a whole mess of acne scars that wouldn't be there otherwise. Being an IV user and a prostitute (ew) my odds of contracting some sort of incurable infection like HIV or Hep-C are astromically high. I have multiple felonies including "fraudulent schemes and artifices" 2x "possession of a dangerous drug" and multiple shoplifting charges. Basically to any prospective employer I'm a drug addict who cant be trusted. My future is not the brightest in terms of success in a career which is a shame because I graduated high school with honors and had such high expectations of myself. I can't even scroll through Facebook without shedding tears because I see all my peers with families and new babies. Theyre buying houses and getting married and proudly posting a big promotion or graduation from college. All I really want in life is a loyal man and cute little baby that I can guide on a path that doesn't lead to this dark place I'm in. None of this seems possible and even worse, a lot of it really is impossible at this point. I'm only 25 years old and I feel like my life just needs to be over. Not that I'm suicidal or anything but I'm just exaughsted and so fearful of the future. I'm a waste of space at this point and hate to imagine where I'll be if I live another five years. Don't know what I'm getting at by writing all this.. I guess I just need to share my story with someone if anybody even has the time to read it.

[Dopeless Hopefiend]

God damn, that's a sad story.

[Edhorfin]

Thanks for sharing. Fear and guilt are both thieves of time, our only actual finite commodity.

There is no such thing as too long to change if you want bad enough. I've been not exactly where you are, but addicted to speed nevertheless. Scared the shit out me considering looking bing that way for any length of time. Months was plenty.

Also, I prefer opiates, but alone was my only living option with them, so I eventually stopped heroin too.  I hope to live the balance of time allotted with a person who loves me and without guilt or fear. It is possible.


Ed

[Kratomphile]

I'm sorry your going through this. But if i took one thing away from your post, its that your an amazingly strong person, and if you can hold a job while still being addicted, you can do just about anything you put your mind to. Your still young and have a lot if living left, dont give up hope just yet. I know you probably dont want to hear this, but when your ready to quit (which it kinda sounds like your at that point) you got to force yourself to get help. Maybe tell your dad that you relapsed (but spare him all the gory details u told us tho, atleast that's what I would do lol.) I know what it's like to be that depressed, and how hard it is to ask for help. But you can still have everything you want out of life, you just got to be willing to fight for it. I dont want to come across as a hippocrate, i have enough problems of my own. All I'm saying is I know how hard the struggle is, and I understand how difficult it is to break out of that habit and ask for help. But maybe your dad can help you find some sort of temporary rehab, just till it all gets out of your body. I dont know what type of financial situation your in, but A.A./N.A is free and I can tell you from first hand experience that there are people who are willing to invest their lives into helping you stay clean, and it will create a better environment than being home all day by yourself. Also, maybe you'll be able to find some good friends who truly care for your well being. Who knows, maybe you'll even find your true love in those walls, after you've been sober for long enough. I never like to step into other peoples buisness and I never judge anybody for the path they decide to take, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But you sound like youve hit rock bottom, so maybe its time for a change. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you havnt heard b4, but hopefully I can give you some encouragment that your life is not over. You're just gunna have to fight for what you want. After everything you've told us about what you've been through, I have no doubt in my mind that your strong enough to work past this small bump in the road that you've hit. Remember it's never gunna be easy to ask for help, and your rock bottom will always have a trap door to it. But I can promise you, if you work hard enough, you can have the life you've been dreaming of. Oh, and as drained of dopamine you feel like right now, your brain will repair itself. Kick the habit, and with enough time your brain will go back to it's normal functioning. Good luck! I know your more than capable of handling yourself. You're a strong person who deserves better, so give yourself a chance to have that better option.