It's time to Change

[CHEF]

WARNING - This thread contains me bitching, I also don't write well so consider this my thoughts not an essay or an attempt at one. These are my thoughts jotted down on the forum, thanx for listening, honestly thanx- from your boy CHEF.

So my first thread is on the topic of change, time to look myself in the mirror and realize that my lifestyle needs to change. It's ironic that I'm making this thread on change while high, so junkie of me.

I've been hitting the pills and other substances way too hard for way too long. My body hurts while my soul is tapping out. I'm writing this thread from my parents home in the North East due to the fact that my abusive bi-polar mother just tried to kill herself once again, the bitch can't do anything right j/k not really. The fucked up thing is I'm exactly like her.

I spent my 20's and thirties trying to slowly kill myself with pills, coke, alcohol and whores. I was a junkie before my injury but once the legal drugs found there way into my life it was like junkie express. I've been treating my emotional pain from my mother's torture along with my physical pain with chemistry and it needs to stop, well at least slow down.

I'm emotionally, physically and spiritually run down. I made an account here because I'm going to stop talking to most if not all my friends and co- workers. I turn 37 in October and going the way i'm going I'm not sure 45 is guaranteed.  Last time I checked my liver enzymes were elevated. I liked to cook on ephedrine and my heart hurts sometimes. The liver dr said it was most likely fatty liver but I use to eat lortabs like skittles so...

My lovely mom will be at don't kill yourself camp for 28 days while I take the first steps to the new me. I got a month off from my job, It's good to be friends with the boss for over 15 yrs. I will be writing my change attack blue prints during this time. This ain't my first rodeo so I know this will be a marathon not a sprint.

MY MIND- So for my mind I plan on cutting off most of my familiar fellow humans. I need a break from people in general, I need cats in my life. My father is the only family member who cares, he needs my love and will get it. He's the only person who will not cut off my mom, he's genuine and I love him. He gets cat love from me.

MY BODY- My body is fucked. At 37 I feel like 67.My back hurts and my left leg swells if I spend too much time on my feet. I'm tired of running short on my meds so I plan on switching to methadone, a low dose like 20 mg. Thanks to the fine people here and at opiophile (lurker here) I know the risks of being on such an addictive drug but it's time. I've never been on methadone but I hear the pain control is the best. I eat really healthy, being a chef I have a talent for making health food that also tastes good. Hopefully weight gain can be avoided. I plan on detoxing fully before the methadone because I just ate 140mgs of oxy and I'm not really high at all, It was a dick tease. I thought I felt a wonderful, orgasmic high coming on but it just fizzeled wtf?

MY SOUL- I believe in God it's personal.

Some where NA needs to be included in my plan. I checked and if you need to be on meds to function and not to get high they are allowed. Not that I ask for permission cuz I'm a rebel, just good to know.

Finally I need to get an aids, hep, liver, kidneys, dingle berry and all other STD's test. My last test was over five years ago and I've had a lot of unprotected sex since then. I'm a decent human being but once I get some alcohol and drugs in me I don't give a shit. I'm pretty sure I had unprotected sex with a hep c girl. If it matters I haven't had no condom sex since.

Thanx for listening this just needed to get out, any thoughts, comments or questions welcomed, just took my first dose of lope, should be a fun night. - CHEF

[razor girl]

Well, that kinda sucks.  Don't worry, it could get worse. In one way consider yourself lucky, I could never get a month off my job, 2 days would be a miracle.  I'm 56, I just broke up with my finance/gf of 5 years, this was the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  The physical stuff sucks,  I have much body damage and have been getting some help through yoga, gl with that. On the dope stuff, lope (lots), seeds, get enough in you to be functional and then go get it done.

[Narkotikon]

I wish you the best of luck, in all your endeavors.  I'm not gonna lie, it's a shit ton of issues you're dealing with.  You could try the "do it all" approach, or you could also work on one issue at a time.  They're all interconnected so I'm not sure which method will work best.

Good for you for cutting off your mother and also some of your friends.  Negative people are like black holes IMO.  They'll suck you into their mess, and create mess in your life.  They're toxic like that.  I know she's your mother, but she's not acting like a mother when she does shit like that.  I say treat her as such until she changes, if she ever does.  You may have to resolve yourself to not having much of a relationship with her.  When you realize that's just the way she is, and accept the fact that you're never going to have the kind of relationship with her that you want and should have, then it gets better.  I promise. 

As for your co-workers.  How are you really able to cut them off completely?  Won't you have to interact with them for your work? 

NA works for some, but it's definitely not the be-all-end-all think it claims to be.  It's not for everyone.  Personally I think it's too religious and cult-like.  It's not quite as religious as AA IMO, but it's still religious in nature.  As for being on meds, don't let anyone there know.  I know they say meds are okay if they're for legit reasons.  That's their "official" stance.  But most people can tell you that that's not always the case.  I think it tends to go group-by-group.  Some NA groups will be more tolerant than others.  And some people within those groups will be more tolerant than others too.  Unless you absolutely know for sure that someone is going to be supportive, I say don't mention it at all.  Some people will literally call you out and say you're not sober, working your program, etc.  They act like they know what's best.  IMO, those people need to work their own damned program and quit butting into your business.  They just won't be very helpful.  They'll be judgmental.  So take that as a warning. 

Are you going to the clinic for methadone, or is your doctor switching your pain meds to methadone?  If you go the clinic route, that's a whole other experience. 

Good luck with it all, and try to remember that people aren't perfect.  Change takes time.  You might not get it on the first try, or second, third, etc.  The important part is that you try.  Take what you learn from each time, and apply it to the next time to increase your odds of succeeding.  Don't get down on yourself if you fail.  Change is a process.  It takes time. 

And lastly, feel free to post your journey on here.  You'll always find supportive ears to listen, as well as give positive feedback.      

[CHEF]

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread and leaving a detailed response, much love to razor and nark.

just realized that I wrote "things are pretty decent now" in my intro thread, it's like I've been conditioned to say shit like that. once again much love to the people who read my long whinded post. Baby needs more lope

[Chip]

Hi CHEF.

this forum is intended especially for people like you who need to/have cut themselves off from mainstream society or bad influences, yet still have people to talk to, people who better understand where people like you are coming from.

i am personally glad that you have reached out to us - it's a nice feeling to think that we might have helped you on the road back.

feel free to unload - we've pretty much all been around the block a fair few times now - and it's time to help others.

i remember an old adage: "it's always the darkest just before dawn"

[nick]

Hep C is rarely passed on through sex.It's not impossible,but unlikely. One less thing to worry about.

Getting clean is a journey and the only person who knows if you're ready is you. I have noticed that people are more likely to succeed if they've addressed the underlying issues for their addiction. So,maybe that's something to think about and work on.

Anyhow,much luck with it and if you'd like support or advice we're here for you.

[CHEF]

Hep C is rarely passed on through sex.It's not impossible,but unlikely. One less thing to worry about.

Getting clean is a journey and the only person who knows if you're ready is you. I have noticed that people are more likely to succeed if they've addressed the underlying issues for their addiction. So,maybe that's something to think about and work on.

Anyhow,much luck with it and if you'd like support or advice we're here for you.

Ty nick, I'm pretty sure she does have hep c, according to her best friend she knew about it for years and still let me sleep with her with out a condom, my bad but wtf?

When I get back to tampa it's time for a blood test, talk about anxiety.