Really glad youre doing well for so long! I just checked out the hows everyone doing page and saw you were doing good, but last post was like last year some time ago so i was definitely happy to see youre still good!
man i finally stopped too, i understand the feeling of no motivation. like a catch 22, cant live with cant live without or feels like that at least.
i know how th ekratom is too, and i agree it doesnt do much of anything. My ex didnt use and oddly is the one who showed it to me, i knew it existed, but she had it. i think anyway, maybe i trie dit on my own. that time was a blur. but shed take a tiny amount of what i took and say she was "high" i couldnt believe that haha. all i ever got was relief and taking much more than needed just made me feel bad physically and weird mentally. just so much stuff in your stomach. and if i didnt eat enough food or the right kind before swallowing it id get vilontly ill and throw up and puke to the point of painful dryheaving. like incapacitatig. one time i was gonna leave her hoouse after taking some and got sick in my car, puked allover it and was too fatigued and nauseus to make it back. the nausea i would get from it was unreal and wouldnt go away for hours no matter how much i puked. eating something with fat or even just a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter completely prevented it. if its helpin you i dont see a problem with it, other than getting caught like you said.
that ketamine treatment is interesting, i saw an ad for it some time ago and i thought it wasnt real i dod not think it was legal . ) Really glad its working for you in any case! youve got a long time ! more than i can say for myself.