It appears that you have not registered with dopetalk. To register, please click here...
Core Topics > Suicide and Ideation
The Shit Hits The Fan
nikita70:
--- Quote from: LoneRanger7 on July 24, 2016, 11:56:15 PM ---Hello Nikita,
I'm sorry you're struggling. Bupe has been great for me but it's not so easy for everyone. I had a toxic relationship once, 8 years I had in and was staying because... I don't know why, I was in love and drug haze. Finally I did get courage to leave and although it took many years I got better. The problem being the drugs get you so low it takes too long to crawl out of the abyss. I'm sorry I don't have more to give other than I was there, I left and I'm still here now, and my life is objectively better, not always on the brink of destructing. I miss the highs though, both the drug and the love high. But boring is not the hell I once thought it would be. In fact I'm overall pretty happy now. I'm rooting for you.
LR
--- End quote ---
Thank you @LoneRanger7 ,
Bupe isn't so bad itself, it kinda widens and purifies perspective, comparing to the 'done. Some people finding it to be unbearable, as they are looking for permanent high (and nodding, and being cutt off of the "reality", constantly).
I think I would tolerate it relatively well, cos I'm not one of those who content oneselves/settle for the less, as my partner is,
OK, cut the crap, I'm not going to blame anyone.
We are both involved/entangled.
This addictive/toxic relashionsips seems to be way way like HIGH-way tougher than any other drug-issues.
I think they are more destructive than anything else in "the poison, varied garden of addictions" and in position to slowly slowly deprive the person of their natural gifts, abilities, positive traits and finally the vital energy.
Well, maybe not "deprive" but just stifle, if you're vulnerable/susceptible to subordinate and give up almost everything just to please the other person.
Drugs are one things , as they're still JUST(?) "substances", inanimate matter, they are "whimsy" so far your supplier is, as people are "something" completely else.
I mean, you don't expect your dope talking to you, hug you, LOL, share your passions, not to insult you... just to affect your receptors, so to say, what is probably kinda pitiable, simplified counterfeit/kinda poor quivalent of a real HUG.
I'm finding myself strong (and ready/prepared) enough to deal with this transition relatively smoothly and seamlessly, regarding the process wouldn't be complicated by the additional hassles (the partner I wanted oh-so-badly to be concerned, as he seems me to be hostile and stifling all my creativity down).
What is definitely the worst, there's ALWAYS hope/kinda CREDO QUIA ABSURDUM somewhere there,
you ALWAYS give the person the another one chsnce. It' so sick.
EVERY MORNING you lie yourself to believe, something is gonna change.
Maybe he's even going to say "hello", instead of his "manadatory" murmuring, what I need to decode and maybe finally to reveal as greeting.
Or maybe takes care on how do you feel.
Not to scold me for I just mentioned... "yesterday was Amy Winehouse death' anniversary, did you know about it?"
"How, for fucks sake, could you even think, I may be at all interrested in when some strange gal died, A LOT of people pass away everyday."
And it's how it goes.
I realize, I'm that one who let things go so far, because it was way easier to stay and slowly languish then go and live a full blown life,
plus, the 'done only fixed this woe.
As it has gone so far and I'm already talking about it, it's the best example-Amy Winehouse vs Football. Anyway, I don't "harass" him with my music, or so, as he does.
This is just TOO MUCH to me.
Plus, it hit me in the worst possible time ever (my mistake, to postpone until "the eleventh hour", or how it calls, because "it's going to be FAIRY EASY, like 8 yrs before it was")-silly season, not my doc (just some young, unexperienced substitute instead), no therapysts to turn to...
The worst problem is the sick relationship to me, seems me we just are inable NOT TO FIGHT each other.
I'm feeling embarrased to bother you again, really. Sorry.
Thanks a lot to you, LR7 :)
Chip:
Nikita, you know that you have to leave that man to his own devices -- and ditch him eventually ... i never like to give relationship advice but this is adding to your misery and you need support, not someone who is making things worse, continually -- this will only result in more drug use.
But work on getting your benzo habit under control for now.
Wishing you the best possible outcome ... try not to be afraid of living by yourself if at all possible.
nikita70:
--- Quote from: chipper on July 26, 2016, 06:01:26 AM ---Nikita, you know that you have to leave that man to his own devices -- and ditch him eventually ... i never like to give relationship advice but this is adding to your misery and you need support, not someone who is making things worse, continually -- this will only result in more drug use.
But work on getting your benzo habit under control for now.
Wishing you the best possible outcome ... try not to be afraid of living by yourself if at all possible.
--- End quote ---
Thank you @chipper , with all my heart.
I don't trying to find some way to wriggle out, or so, to postpone the process (well, probably unlike to my unconsciousness), but since there's so called silly season here, and even my mother gave a fuck and left, I'm feeling not in position to make some "revolution" like RIGHT NOW.
looks like this guy kinda intentionally (or unconsciounsly but still deliberately) "dropped the anchor" in my pad, gathering some ENORMOUS amounts of books, what is obviously some technical issues when it comes to removal.
Your're right-one's "own devices" as you call them, are so precious and underestimated-hope they're going to help me to go through until things getting clearer.
For now, I'm stuck here trying to be as alert as possible and not to make matters worse.
As for benzos, this is an equivalent issue/problem. I'm trying to reduce the additional dose step by step, slowly and cautiously, 'cos the insomnia is considered as the worst w/d symptom by me, so even the thought itself, I may be inable to sleep during few night, is scary enough to me.
I think, I must be somehow special "vulnerable" for it or so, 'cos it brings me literally on the verge of insanity, like some permanent ASC, "rough", I couldn't stop by no means.
Thanks a lot for your concern, again. :)
Z:
I hate hearing about amazing people like you being in awful relationships Nikita. I don't want to give you relationship advice, but I hope that you can find a way to do what's best for you and be happy.
I have to say though staying with someone because thy have a bunch check of books in your house is a bad reason. I know it isn't the only reason. If you want him out then give him a time frame for getting them out. If they aren't gone in a week then there are church groups that will come and pick them up. For free and with pleasure. Getting rid of the books would probably be easier then getting rid of him.
Jut take care of yourself the best you can please. Awesome people deserve some awesome back in their lives.
nikita70:
--- Quote from: Z on July 26, 2016, 10:51:46 AM ---I hate hearing about amazing people like you being in awful relationships Nikita. I don't want to give you relationship advice, but I hope that you can find a way to do what's best for you and be happy.
I have to say though staying with someone because thy have a bunch check of books in your house is a bad reason. I know it isn't the only reason. If you want him out then give him a time frame for getting them out. If they aren't gone in a week then there are church groups that will come and pick them up. For free and with pleasure. Getting rid of the books would probably be easier then getting rid of him.
Jut take care of yourself the best you can please. Awesome people deserve some awesome back in their lives.
--- End quote ---
Thank you @Z.
I KNEW it all before, but, as it happens in such sick relationships, postponed the final solution, so to say, ad infinitum, because IT WAS EASIER to stuck in this shit, standing still without to touch anything, cos it stinks, lol.
However, MMT has provided me with some mental protection, even the fact of affiliation with the methadone' clinic itself.
Even if I was pretty vulnerable, this mindset like "I can drink a sirup IN ANY MOMENT and it's going to take away all the problems", made me feel relatively stable.
However, I'm finding myself not to be in position to continue it since on bupe.
Bupe is like bulletproof vest made from mist comparing to the toughness/firmness of the 'done.
Not only my pupils/eyes are wide open, the dilated pupils are just the "trademark", so to say, of my new mindset.
Thus, no matter how much I wanted and how hard I'd be trying, I'm just inable to ignore what is so much obvious, anymore.
I don't want to blame him or so, but every time I'm looking for him, I can see someone, who's EXACTLY MY OPPOSITE, not my complement, to put it mildly.
I don't even suppose him doing it out of spite or so, he's just so much different,
those things seem to happen kinda intrinsically, as a side effect of being involved into a toxic relationship.
Plus, he's obviously not interrested in joining ANY treatment/therapy,
as he's (emotionally) in charge, so to say, in this relationship and pretty comfortable.
He has just grasped/bang the silly chick, kinda "clung" to someone, who has enabled him to live realtive wealthy life and provided with the roof over his head, as he comes from some pathological family he couldn't bear anymore to life with,
a bunch of losers and pretty annoying rednecks, who just tryin' to get out of a full blown life and keep hang in their minimalistic, pitiable existence.
Since he differs from them like thousand times, he was obviously looking for something more,
however, instead of following some carreer path, joining university or so, what, as I believe, would fit him pretty well, he let the so called "friends" to make his head upside and entered the "street university, faculty of the dope", instead.
It was way way easier and maybe even more "glorious" in those days than any other school.
Anyway, RIGHT NOW I'm that one, who suffers as he tends to act like a Dealer Of Relief to me.
He kinda "doses" me "privileges" and so, makes me feel totally alerted on what I'm saying and how I'm acting,
plus, the pretty simply drug (and oh-so-much common, like available everywhere instead of this relationshiop), called NICE WORD seems to be just beyond of my range to get, like 99%ly clear dope or coke or so, lol.
Plus, unlike me, he seems not to be aware at all of what the fuck happens to me, as I'm crying, complaining or so.
Since he's pretty intelligent, I figure, he's either involved/entangled in this relationship as strong as I am (just playing another one role in this game),
either he's just playing fool to me, cos he gives a fuck.
It has gone so far, he (emotionally) made me a slave in my own pad.
He You woke me up today, as you know MY sleep is still poor anyway. (bullshit, he's sleeping like a newborn comparing to how I do, I can hear him snoring, lol)
Me Do you mind it? I needed to wash my hair, finally,for fucks sake.
He No, but ...
This is getting so obvious especially RIGHT NOW, as I'm switching and waking up earlier, so our circadians rhytms aren't so synchronized as they were before.
I'm not allowed even move on and stand up, put myself to some housework or so, without to risk my ass gets beaten one way or another.
What I reproach myself, is I let things go so far. Sometimes it happens he suggessts me something pretty reasonable, like "let's try to do our own, not to hang on/cling so desperately each to other.
So what, if it's just beyond of my range-if he disappears for a while I'm getting paranoid.
This "existential" feeling of being completely alone in the middle of the strange, in mostly ways pretty hostile world,
was/is like slapping me straight into my face.
Since I have started this transition I have an impression as if my mind got kinda "formatted". I have an impression
OK, cut the crap.
Bitching isn't gonna help at all, it makes things even worse.
Thank you, Z, for your kindest words, once again.
Opi-ette:
Nikita, I have a feeling the bupe transition making you see things clearly and for what they really are with him, you will eventually do whats best for you. I see that you aren't ready right now so I won't tell you what to do (though I wish I could come scoop you up and rescue you) so I won't tell you to kick him out. I have a feeling it won't be long though. I hate hearing how he treats you.
Sleep is imperative not just for your body but your mental health, especially now. If you want to get up when he's asleep then get up! If it bothers him, he can sleep on the couch. Its YOUR house/apartment.
I hope what you said about this:
"I'm not allowed even move on and stand up, put myself to some housework or so, without to risk my ass gets beaten one way or another." is just a figure of speech and not literal otherwise I would tell you to kick him out. He has no right to put his hands on you!! If he is hitting you call the police and get a restraining order. Again, I don't know if you meant it figuratively and not literally, so if I'm wrong then ignore this paragraph and I'm sorry.
You obviously have a lot of people here who care about you so when you feel down, try to think of that. And if it helps you to post to us, keep on keepin on ^-^
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version