Core Topics > Suicide and Ideation
The Shit Hits The Fan
nikita70:
This is REALLY not another one counterfeit attempt to gain your attention.
Plus, not any suicide blackmailing or so on my side. I KNOW there's a permanent solution for temporary issues/problems(even if longlasting, like infinity sometimes).
Just seems me this site got created as kinda "shelter"/"attachement point" for those who are totally fucked up and in desperation.
If I am wrong, then excuse me, please.
I'm gonna try to be as consice as it only possible in my case.
Since I am on this bupe, I sterted to perceive things completely different-believe me or not, it never ever happened to me before. I was just... dazzled, blind.
Now I realize I am kinda spoiled, unrealistic little girl, and even if versed in THEORY of this and that, I'm completely helpleess as for practice.
Yesterday my partner got back home, I've been waiting for him/looking forward like a junkie looking for a dealer...
However, since I have "shot him" so to say (I don't mean sex, just the first few sentences we have sharing each to other),
I didn't "get hight", as I have figured before, on the contrary even, it felt as if I've gathered some dose of Naloxone, lol.
Speaking straight, I REALIZED this/he is my first and main addiction, maybe even more destructive than those chemical ones.
However, since it's a love-hate relationship, I have not guts enough/strong enough to... how you call it? this abbreviation...???SBN???/get the son-of-a-bitch away, like RIGHT NOW, lol. I have forgotten it.
Plus, I'm not sure if at all. I mean beeing in position to do it. Maybe not "let him go away", but just split and start a completely/or just partially new life.
Besides, I don't consider him as a completely scum, we're just so much different, plus
he's ALWAYS soooo unconcerned, even as for a guy.
I'm not going to bother you with my other family' issues, that got soooo much OBVIOUS since I'm relatively sober.
I am just find myself to be a deep deep abbys, as I'm not gonna to "derail" in my path,
I think, I kinda "grasped" this "quest for sobriety", since it's gone so far, just don't want to fuck it up.
What isn't anything revealing.
I do REALLY REALLY need/starve to change myself and finally grow up. I consider to join NA meetings, definitely, but since it's a middle of a summer/holiday' and a silly season here, there's no one to turn...
plus my mother is gonna leave tomorrow,
besides, there's a lonely path, people are in position to join to some point only.
I'm so much scared, of nothing particular at all, just this feel of a constant tension with not any relief to look forward.
Bupe prevents me just from strictly physical w/d... to straighten my fucked up life is what I need to make it with my own effort.
Sorry for being so much bothersome, AGAIN. I'm still asking for help without to spread something positive and valuable in return.
I realize, it's all the part of this process, have been receiving so many positive feedback from different people last days, more than whenever before...
I'm totally confused and scared-fear is the worst enemy.
Dopeless Hopefiend:
I'm really sorry you're struggling Nikita. This MMT to bupe transition is challenging isn't it? I'm 28 days off of methadone tomorrow & I still don't feel "right". Even taking 16mg of bupe everyday, I just feel...off. Like not physical w/d exactly, more like uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I'm just trying to say I get it.
As far as your partner goes, I don't know what advice to give you except that if it is a toxic relationship as you said then you deserve better. I wasted years in a toxic relationship because staying was just "easier" than actually figuring out how to leave. I guess the question I'd have is whether or not you felt this way before this whole methadone detox started. If you did, maybe it's worth considering the fact that you and he might not be compatible. If they are new feelings, my advice would be to give it a little time and see if you still feel the same way after you are feeling better physically. I know it's hard. Hang in there & you ever need to talk I'm here.
nikita70:
--- Quote from: Dopeless Hopefiend on July 23, 2016, 01:37:07 PM ---I'm really sorry you're struggling Nikita. This MMT to bupe transition is challenging isn't it? I'm 28 days off of methadone tomorrow & I still don't feel "right". Even taking 16mg of bupe everyday, I just feel...off. Like not physical w/d exactly, more like uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I'm just trying to say I get it.
As far as your partner goes, I don't know what advice to give you except that if it is a toxic relationship as you said then you deserve better. I wasted years in a toxic relationship because staying was just "easier" than actually figuring out how to leave. I guess the question I'd have is whether or not you felt this way before this whole methadone detox started. If you did, maybe it's worth considering the fact that you and he might not be compatible. If they are new feelings, my advice would be to give it a little time and see if you still feel the same way after you are feeling better physically. I know it's hard. Hang in there & you ever need to talk I'm here.
--- End quote ---
Thank you, @Dopeless Hopefiend , with all my heart.
"Not to feel comfortable in one's own skin", right? :blank:
I think, I know exactly what you mean, even if I'd describe my case in a little bit different words.
Seems me, this bupe transition feels ALWAYS kinda similiar, as there's still the same "neurophysiological pattern", so to say, involved, right?
The possible differences appearing in details, and affecting some very personal traits, depending on what mood/and possible disorders is person inclined to.
As someone who suffers from some severe anxiety pangs, I'm obviously "vulnerable" this way mostly, so to say.
It feels as if I were kinda "forced" to "catch up" all this missed/slept days/time, with it's good and bad aspects.
However, since I'm paranoid, those "bad ones" use to overweight the "good ones".
Kinda bupe-switching' induced instant growing up (or at least tasting it, in its most unpleasant forms).
Like PWD as someone would get off his/her Delusions etc., etc., lol.
As for my toxic relationship, unfortunately, you aren't wrong in your presumptions, though I wish you were.
This isn't anything new, we were constantly living on the edge of some serious tragedy, as we used to get permanently into some fierce quarrels,
still, methadone has been providing me with some resistance and distance for it, kinda counterfeit "immunology system", you know.
Thanks a lot for your supportive feedback, DH.
How are YOU, excepting you are feeling... OFF and strange in your own skin?
Do things tend to straighten to you, soon, how do you think/feel???
LoneRanger7:
Hello Nikita,
I'm sorry you're struggling. Bupe has been great for me but it's not so easy for everyone. I had a toxic relationship once, 8 years I had in and was staying because... I don't know why, I was in love and drug haze. Finally I did get courage to leave and although it took many years I got better. The problem being the drugs get you so low it takes too long to crawl out of the abyss. I'm sorry I don't have more to give other than I was there, I left and I'm still here now, and my life is objectively better, not always on the brink of destructing. I miss the highs though, both the drug and the love high. But boring is not the hell I once thought it would be. In fact I'm overall pretty happy now. I'm rooting for you.
LR7
nikita70:
--- Quote from: LoneRanger7 on July 24, 2016, 11:56:15 PM ---Hello Nikita,
I'm sorry you're struggling. Bupe has been great for me but it's not so easy for everyone. I had a toxic relationship once, 8 years I had in and was staying because... I don't know why, I was in love and drug haze. Finally I did get courage to leave and although it took many years I got better. The problem being the drugs get you so low it takes too long to crawl out of the abyss. I'm sorry I don't have more to give other than I was there, I left and I'm still here now, and my life is objectively better, not always on the brink of destructing. I miss the highs though, both the drug and the love high. But boring is not the hell I once thought it would be. In fact I'm overall pretty happy now. I'm rooting for you.
LR
--- End quote ---
Thank you @LoneRanger7 ,
Bupe isn't so bad itself, it kinda widens and purifies perspective, comparing to the 'done. Some people finding it to be unbearable, as they are looking for permanent high (and nodding, and being cutt off of the "reality", constantly).
I think I would tolerate it relatively well, cos I'm not one of those who content oneselves/settle for the less, as my partner is,
OK, cut the crap, I'm not going to blame anyone.
We are both involved/entangled.
This addictive/toxic relashionsips seems to be way way like HIGH-way tougher than any other drug-issues.
I think they are more destructive than anything else in "the poison, varied garden of addictions" and in position to slowly slowly deprive the person of their natural gifts, abilities, positive traits and finally the vital energy.
Well, maybe not "deprive" but just stifle, if you're vulnerable/susceptible to subordinate and give up almost everything just to please the other person.
Drugs are one things , as they're still JUST(?) "substances", inanimate matter, they are "whimsy" so far your supplier is, as people are "something" completely else.
I mean, you don't expect your dope talking to you, hug you, LOL, share your passions, not to insult you... just to affect your receptors, so to say, what is probably kinda pitiable, simplified counterfeit/kinda poor quivalent of a real HUG.
I'm finding myself strong (and ready/prepared) enough to deal with this transition relatively smoothly and seamlessly, regarding the process wouldn't be complicated by the additional hassles (the partner I wanted oh-so-badly to be concerned, as he seems me to be hostile and stifling all my creativity down).
What is definitely the worst, there's ALWAYS hope/kinda CREDO QUIA ABSURDUM somewhere there,
you ALWAYS give the person the another one chsnce. It' so sick.
EVERY MORNING you lie yourself to believe, something is gonna change.
Maybe he's even going to say "hello", instead of his "manadatory" murmuring, what I need to decode and maybe finally to reveal as greeting.
Or maybe takes care on how do you feel.
Not to scold me for I just mentioned... "yesterday was Amy Winehouse death' anniversary, did you know about it?"
"How, for fucks sake, could you even think, I may be at all interrested in when some strange gal died, A LOT of people pass away everyday."
And it's how it goes.
I realize, I'm that one who let things go so far, because it was way easier to stay and slowly languish then go and live a full blown life,
plus, the 'done only fixed this woe.
As it has gone so far and I'm already talking about it, it's the best example-Amy Winehouse vs Football. Anyway, I don't "harass" him with my music, or so, as he does.
This is just TOO MUCH to me.
Plus, it hit me in the worst possible time ever (my mistake, to postpone until "the eleventh hour", or how it calls, because "it's going to be FAIRY EASY, like 8 yrs before it was")-silly season, not my doc (just some young, unexperienced substitute instead), no therapysts to turn to...
The worst problem is the sick relationship to me, seems me we just are inable NOT TO FIGHT each other.
I'm feeling embarrased to bother you again, really. Sorry.
Thanks a lot to you, LR7 :)
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version