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Author Topic: What keeps you up at night?  (Read 11584 times)

Offline QueensVet (OP)

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What keeps you up at night?
« on: June 11, 2016, 08:05:22 AM »
I dont mean the barking dogs, or the chirping birds, traffic, or even wd, im talkin about that deep stuff, the regret, the guilt, the pain, the rage.

I want to elaborate on me, but im.curious to see what my fellow DAU members have to say first. As a veteran, both of the military and from significant gang warfare as a youth, I have quite some things that make me sweat in my sleep. Thank God for seroquel and marijuana.
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Offline Daughter of Dionysus

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2016, 01:52:43 PM »
Anxiety keeps me up at night
More than I would like it to

Thinking about things
I have to do the next day
I'll think about them until
I drive myself into a panic attack

Thinking about
What is going on with my nieces
Keeps me up a lot
I worry about them getting picked on at school
I worry about going back to New Orleans
And them missing me

I worry about Antihero and his health

I guess this list could go on and on
But that's just some of it
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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2016, 08:53:42 PM »
Going back to jail has for the last few months, but just found out today that my po forgot that she told me that I had to be done with my community service a few months ago and she forgot i lied and told her i was so i could visit family. I thought I was going back to jail today I went prepared hah, had a bunch of stuff i'd need when i got out, and an extra dose of my methadone with me just in case so i could try and sleep through the booking period and prolong the w/d in jail a bit longer, just in case by some miracle I got within a week if i went in.

Other than that I have regrets but none that keep me up at night most of the time, like dod said it's mostly just anxiety and my brain not wanting to turn off. Since I stopped having sleep paralysis so frequently I have been sleeping better, when I was getting once or more a week it would freak me out and I wouldn't want to fall asleep because i thought it would happen which isn't the question just thought I'd throw that out, I sympathize for anyone who deals with it, it sucks!
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Offline candy

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2016, 12:05:14 AM »
What keeps me up at night?
Anxiety, health problems, my nephew's drug use, my sister (his mother) and her refusal to get educated on opiates and addiction.
My nephew got out of jail about six months ago. The day he came home, after six months of being incarcerated, and my sister spent the whole day
following him around the house trying to get him to take elderberry and drink some fucking protein shake. The kid just wanted a fucking hamburger and to be left alone watching Netflix.
I brought a Narcan kit with me the day he was released and before I left told my sister to keep it in a safe place and to lock up her Oxycodone, the Soma, and her Klonopin in her ex-husbands safe.
Not only did she throw out the Narcan, but she refused to lock up her medication because she thought it would cause my nephew to feel
he could not be trusted. He is back to using and it is his mother's medication he is using, along with heroin and coke. She keeps just enough meds at my mother's house so she can test positive for these drugs to help make her worker's comp case.  She made no attempt to hide them or keep them locked up.
She doesn't need them for pain.
My nephew will die from an overdose or kill someone and be locked away for life.
He spent 6 months in jail after his 4th arrest for assault and battery. He not only assaulted his mother, but a few girlfriends as well.
My sister blamed the women he assaulted for his time in jail, just as the father of this kid from Stanford blamed his son's victim.

I don't defend any of my nephew's actions, but I certainly don't want to see him dead from a drug overdose.
My idiot of a sister threw away Narcan. A drug that could save her son's life because she did not want him to think she did not trust him. What the fuck is wrong with her?

My parents had the same fucked up logic when it came to my own problems with drugs and alcohol. Ignore it and it will hopefully go away.
I was raped by 3 teens when I was 13 years old walking home from school. I came home and told my parents what happened and the first thing my own father said to me when I told him about my assault, "What did I do to provoke them?"
My parents refused to report the rape and assault to the police because they were concerned it may impede their plans for my Bat Mitzvah. I stopped believing their was a God around the same time.
I spent a year institutionalized in a mental hospital after my rape. I developed problems with sleep, an eating disorder, and a drug problem, and still suffer from these issues.
Being on Methadone may keep me from using opiates, but nothing has ever really helped me to sleep. I still starve myself at times when I feel I may be putting on weight.
I can't shut down at night. I know how fucking hard that can be. Your mind just racing with a thousand different thoughts.
It wasn't until my dad died in August that I started to finally deal with the real issues in my life. Distancing myself from my mom, my sister, my brother has helped me greatly. I don't miss my dad. I thought I did at first, but what I actually felt was a relief he was finally gone.
Is that fucked up that I am relieved that my dad is dead. I am 47 years old and just now starting to live. I have hypertension. That keeps me up at night.

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Offline neighbor

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2016, 12:31:14 AM »
at night, when I start thinking about what im thinking about, its game over.

cause im not thinking pleasant thoughts at night  most of the time, like most of us,
so when I start thinking about the fact that im thinking about that,
its an entirely new dimension of awfulness.

on top of what I was originally thinking about.

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Offline candy

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2016, 12:45:52 AM »
It seems to be a very hard time for most of us.
A lonely time I imagine for many people.

My partner falls asleep as soon as we turn on the t.v. or a movie. He has no problems with sleeping.
I have tried just about everything. Seroquel helped for a bit. Benzos never really did it either unless combined with other drugs.
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Offline Illadelph215

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2016, 08:13:19 AM »
@QueensVet Nice thread man. I enjoyed the couple posts here and I'm sure there will be plenty more.

@candy, your post really hit me hard and stuck with me. Caught some feels for sure. Though you are from a different generation, there is a lot of similarities about your ordeal. I'm from a very big Irish family, in most of these families including mine, we don't talk about feelings. Feelings are for the weak, life is tough but you are tougher! blah blah blah, being sensitive is looked down upon heavily and there is no complaining.

This has caused a lot of issues in my family and extended family, including drug use and how it is treated such as how your sister and parents reacted. Thankfully my parents are at the lower end of that spectrum, as to where I have witnessed all of this nonsense, especially as of lately, they are changing their ways and conforming which has been nice to see. I still have plenty of cousins stuck in a whirlwind of bullshit because my aunt/uncle etc. are batshit crazy and refuse to wake up.

Though my racing mind, insomnia, and hypertension are from different reasons, I have dealt with them since a teen and it is a constant struggle, a reasons why I began drinking and using, and I feel for you.

I can't imagine going through what you did as a 13 year old and not even having your family there to help! I can't help but thinking about that fucking kid in California all over the news right now who raped a girl and is possibly only going to serve 3 months in jail, which makes me think about how fucked up our criminal justice system is, which makes me think about how I might do more jail time for a refusal of blood work which makes my blood boil....this, this would be the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.
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Offline Griffin

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2016, 08:23:51 AM »
wow candy, thanks for sharing, that is so horrible I can't imagine! A girl i dated was molested by her step dad and her mom ignored her and kicked her out of the house and is still with the guy, it took me almost 3 years for me to go over there without wanting to rip the guy a part, there relationship got better but it was hard for me to deal with I can't imagine being the victim i will never understand how some men are capable of such things.

I heard that some congressman is stepping up to get that idiot judge who gave the stanford rapist 6 month removed as well as having the sentence overturned so he can be resentenced properly. I hope that happens but I doubt it will even with the amount of uproar.

What pisses me off is seeing so many idiotic people blame the victim because she was passed out, even though the asshole was caught in the act while she was unconscious. People disgust me, and I can't believe how dumb they are, I hate the rampant stupidity in this country. I have seen so many ridiculous remarks about how it wasn't rape and she might of said yes early, like that makes it okay to rape someone who is passed out, its like people have zero empathy, common sense, or morality anymore.

As for your nephew that is good that you care for him, and he seems lucky to have only gotten a 6 month term for the assault charge, i hope he gets help, have you tried giving him the narcan personally or asking him about trying maintenance? Family can be so irritating some times, my sister in law put my nephew on adderal when he was 6 or 7 and I am worried that he will have addiction issues when he grows up, it runs in the family but I am the only druggie.

I hope he doesn't have to go through it as well, because his parents would not be very good if he went down that path,  couldn't see them being supportive or helpful at all, and it is so hard to watch. It still pisses me off that they did that to him, and he has had problems in school and social issues but he is slowly growing out of it, he is so mature for his age I think he is going into 6th grade this year time flies so fast.
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Offline QueensVet (OP)

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2016, 09:02:05 AM »
These are exactly the responses I was talking about. Being as how I been awake since 3, there are a few things keeping me up besides me resisting that dreamy nod.

I honestly never told ANYONE this. In Libya 2011, I was in the navy and we were supporting the attack on Tripoli Bengahzi and other cities against Gaddafi forces. The missles flew, one by one, blazing off into the horizon. Peoplewere out on the flight deck taking pictures, all the oohs and ahhs you can imagine. But there were no oohs and ahhs from me, I was set to be on the landing crafts to retrieve american citizens and other high value personnel. The slow, dark creep of the LCU crept to the fiery shore, explosions getting louder... gunfire getting more significant, and once we got close enough, the craft was tsking some hits and I started hearing the whizz tails. Nowbfor anyone whose ever shot a gun, and heard the bullet whiz by their air, knows how insane that feeling is, but I was forward gunner and was told to open up on incoming fire. So I did, with the 50, me and the other gunners mate, tracers flew into random piles of rubble. Eventually we landed and picked the people up.

What people dont choose to see is, since the beginning of the terror wars, we may have lost some troops obviously, but no where near the hundreds of thousands of civilian casualties we amassed. We are the terrorists. Kids came on burnt, women bloodied, men injured, everything. We loaded them up, and the whole way back, you heard the explosions fading, and the screams and prayers getting louder. When we pulled back into the well deck of the ship and unloaded, there was blood all over the deck. And me veing one of the lowest ranking men at the time, we had to clean it all. All the blood, tattered clothing, vomit, all from these families.

What keeps me up at night? The blood. All the dirt, ash, blood, vomit, tears, and seawater, sloshing together aganst my mop, mixing in with the bucket water. Maroon, brown.. that smell will never leave my nose
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Offline candy

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2016, 05:53:04 PM »
QueensVet, I cannot imagine the horrors you experienced over in the Middle East. I can certainly understand why you have trouble sleeping.
I dated a man, a marine during the Gulf War and the difficulties he went through on a daily basis was just heartbreaking. A heroin addict himself, and I know the use of heroin and other opiates numbed him emotionally, more so than they controlled his physical pain.

I recently watched a documentary on the Suicide Hotline set up for the Veterans of war.
Why we don't have more of these centers available to any of our men and women who have served is beyond my comprehension?
It is certainly needed and necessary. What you described in your post below is so similar to the experiences that these Veterans described.

I am so sorry you have to live with these thoughts QueensVet.

It was my intention to get the Narcan to my nephew himself. To work some HR magic and educate him again on why it is so important to have Narcan available. It certainly wasn't the first time we had ever discussed having Narcan available or HR at all with my family and my nephew.
They just don't see it as something important and I am not sure they ever will.
My parents, sister, my brother, have all seen firsthand how Narcan can save lives. I was lucky it saved my life.

I felt no other option than to educated my sister and leave it with her.
She hovered over my nephew and did her best to make sure that I did not spend any time alone with him, afraid that I might convince him that Methadone is an option for him.
In fact when my nephew was released and went to live with his father, my sister made it a point to move back in with her ex-husband so she could be there to "support" my nephew. Her idea of support is going to fuck him up for life.
She refuses to educate herself about opiates, about drug use, addiction.  She prides herself on being so educated about herbal supplements and alternative medicine, but when it comes to HR, she refuses to learn anything.
While my parents and I are from two different generations, it is more than just a generational gap that separates us.
The same for my sister. I just don't like my sister. She is a very difficult person to like. I do feel sorry for her and I do understand how difficult it can be to make changes in your life, I just don't like the emotional abuse she inflicts on everyone, myself included.
If my nephew came to me for help, I would do everything I could do to help him.

It was less than a week ago that I listened to my mother talk about how awful it was that Brock Turner only got a 6 month sentence.  She went on and on about what he did being so awful and what that poor girl went through. I just sat there feeling so enraged at her. I wanted to tell her how much I fucking hated her.
Instead, I told her that poor girl was me and countless other women and then just hung up.

I have to make the tough choice to walk away from my family completely. I just cannot stand to be around them. My brother is struggling himself right now as well. He was injured in the Coast Guard during a storm, a rogue wave that hit the boat he was on.
He tells everyone that he was injured during the Gulf War himself, but he was off the coast of Alaska just on patrol.
How sad that he feels his injury sounds much better if he was deployed during the war. He keeps me awake at night.

I just have spent so much of my life surrounded by such negativity and ugliness from my family. I wish I could say that they are decent human beings, but they are not. They have done some terrible things and it has caused me so much pain.

Will I ever sleep more than an hour or two at night? I just don't know the answer to that.
Maybe sharing what keeps us up at night will help some of us. I know holding it all in has done me no good at all.
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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2016, 12:46:57 AM »
Wow queensvet that is horrific and insomnia amongst a ton of other things is completely normal. If you don't mind me asking why haven't you told anyone that story before? I think therapy and talking about shit is a great way to learn to cope with life better, I can't imagine the horrors that our troop see everyday. It saddens me to just think of the stuff that is going on and I can't fathom what it'd be like to go through it.

Candy, it sucks when you have family issues like that, that is supposed to be the biggest piece of support you have in life. Have you tried the kratom or pst approach with your sister since she is into the herbal remedies. Maybe you could convince her that poppy tea is a new amazing alternative homeopathic herbal remedy that cures addiction and see if she buys it and lets your nephew use that as maintenance. Probably a long shot but you never know.



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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2016, 07:33:19 AM »
When the drugs wear off I start to feel lonely and depressed. I think about the girl I was engaged to and how I fucked it up. I remember what it's like have someone next to me. It's a deep loneliness.

I sleep for 3 hours and the wd kicks in. I just lay there in the cold morning light feeling emtpy, her face still fresh in my memory.
Then I find some dope and it's ok.
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Offline QueensVet (OP)

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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2016, 08:00:36 AM »
@candy I cant believe what happened to you, I fuxkin hate rape, rapists, all of it. I knew a few people who were affected by this, you also develop PTSD from these things. One time I had an ex call me on her way home in shitty Mexican Jackson Heights queens and say some guy tried to rape her and broke free. It was taken care of but scary none the less.

@Griffin I see a psychiatrist every month for thirty minutes at my local VA, and we discuss some of what's been happening, and then we talk about my bupe and seroquel, then im on the elevator to the pharmacy. I used to see a therapist, but he went on vacation constantly. I really should link back up with a Vet Center for a new therapist. I cant really talk to anyone about it. I like writing, and expressing myself that way i guess
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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2016, 09:07:53 PM »
I haven't taken a math class in 9 years and I start an 8 week trig class, that's been really scary to me. =/
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Re: What keeps you up at night?
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2016, 09:15:09 AM »
i understand the question, lately i worry about driving these days since the proliferation of Red Light and Speed cameras, in so many different speed zones and times.

another culprit is oversleeping into the daytime.
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