Hey, to the OP, I know you posted this awhile ago, but i read it now and haven't been on the forums in awhile. I feel you, a lot of parts of your story i can empathise with. 11 years of opiates for me, and last august I was convinced by my husband to go do an ibogaine treatment. My intentions were to take a break for a year and lower tolerence and money spent on opiates, his intention is to quit forever, so tehre's major clashing right now but we have not reached the one year point, so i'm sticking it out till then. I told myself I'd give it a chance and see if i start liking being clean ever, but I'm not going to keep on doing it if it keeps on making me misreble. What a way to waste my life, right? Either waste it being sick/paws/depressed from not using or waste it chasing dope.
Kratom daily is the only thing keeping me going right now, but I still feel like I really would be on the methadone clinic if i could. I am seriously considering it, cause the ibogaine treatment for me did not do shit at all, for my husband it took down his withdrawl and helped mentally a lot. He did a 180 turn, never wants to touch opiates again, and is not being very compassionate that I still constatnly crave them. Methadone is the only thing that has helped with the constant craving and helped me to want to lead a productive life in the past.
I can handle being clean if im just laying here doing the minimum, but I can't get myself to excel or have any motivation to try really. Which is why for me I think maybe I need to approach the subject of methadone again, because I got clean to get a different kind of life, not a more misreable more useless semiexistance.
I know this isn't really advice for you, i am just needing to talk about my own situation too, and feel your pain. No one I can tell this stuff to, since they all have their own agendas and want what they want, not want to hear what I need for myself.