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Core Topics => Health Issues and Medical => Psychiatric Illnesses => Topic started by: Jega on October 18, 2015, 04:49:16 PM

Title: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 18, 2015, 04:49:16 PM
For me dpression is like a constent war between your id, your ego, your super--ego and all the same time it's like your fragging yourself
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: LoneRanger7 on October 18, 2015, 08:30:49 PM
Depression is a bitch. Supposedly it's the reason I'm always "self-medicating". IDK but when I don't take my SSRIs my drug cravings go out of control. Like right meow.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Anti-hero on October 18, 2015, 11:50:52 PM
In my not so humble opinion.
Just the down right truth.
Depression is more crippling.
Than a physical wound.
They wound you can see the progress off them healing.

Mental health,
Here are your options
Standard 15 min visit with a script,
Payc out the ass for a good physc,
Jail.
That's your options.
In good ole merica.

They can't make any money.
unless they see 50 patients a day,
Or charge 300 an hour.
Or work at the jail, because they can't get employment anywhere else.
And in the last case it's usually the
15 min get a tranquilizer. Cause they don't get paid enough to give a fuck.
I have spent more time in a dentist chair
Then on the couch.
But hey if you got a great smile.
You can't be sad right?

I am so sorry Jega but you got my email and if you want to talk I'm.Here to listen.
I change my phone number like 3 times a year so I don't think the one you have for ush is any good.

And I am shitting myself as I took my last xanax last night.
So I am off to find more atm.

It can get really bad for me
Because I have
Seasonal mod disorder
Borderline schizophrenic
And agoraphobia.

That's why when we make plans to leave. I can make it about as far as the state line.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 19, 2015, 02:24:17 PM
I'm feeling really depressed tonight. I mean rally depressed.

I just have no one to talk too. 
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Riddick on October 20, 2015, 12:16:54 PM
I'm feeling really depressed tonight. I mean rally depressed.

I just have no one to talk too.
Sup.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 20, 2015, 12:31:50 PM
every year or so i wrote Laura I letter that I never end send. Maybe it helps me get my feelings out , but this year I feel I need to show it to someone. So sympathise with me ridicule me, either way this is the honest truth about how I feel today.

Dear Laura 10-19-15

I don’t know why I continue to these letters. Maybe it helps me. It seems every year I write you but never send it. I really do want the best for you.  I mean we talk a couple a couple a times a year but this isn’t the same as me writing this out.
 
I know, or at least I believe that you know I just want you to be happy. I would give anything if I could be the one to make you happy. I wish, want to be the one to make you happy.

 I know we we’re young but we had fun you and I. We really did. I know it’s crazy but when they hold up the Eucharist, I pray to let me do it all over all over again; you and ;. I promise I would get right this time. You know I’m a committee realist but a man can still pray.

I understand you have committed to this man for the rest of your life. I understand you are trying to raise a family, and you are still putting dinner on the table. I won’t lie, I want you, but I want nothing but the best of you.

But damn do I love you. It was its 8th anniversary of separation the other day (10-6-07) but damnit I love you just as much. I think about you all the time. I understand that it’s more than I can’t let you go but I won’t let you go. I’ve never felt joy like that before than when I was with you. You took me from the worst part of my life to the best part of my life.

And even if you were only with me because you felt sorry because my mom had just died I don’t care. I mean I would care as anyone would, and I don’t think that was the reason we were together, but I’ve never felt joy like that before than when I was with you. But I know what is real and you really loved me. I sew the look in your eyes when you looked at me. And I saw the look at your face when you told me you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You we’re heartbroken too.

I can’t move past you. That’s the honest truth. I loved you and I can’t move past you. I would rather love you even if you didn’t love me because the joy I felt being with you is more happiness then I ever thought existed in this world.

LIONEL RICHIE LYRICS
"Hello"

I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
'cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
I've just got to let you know
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Chip on October 20, 2015, 12:46:33 PM
i wonder how different drug-induced depression feels as opposed to that of clinical depression (?).

i experience depression on the second half of the week when the meth. had left the building.

i'm not normally prone to depression but i do struggle with the deficit that my choices give me.

what cures me is mot stimulants OR opiates, believe it or not.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Riddick on October 20, 2015, 01:12:01 PM
I like you man. And I wish the best for you. If this chick is alive or if this is imaginative shit you made up to make up for being lonely, then either way you gotta stick that chest out and learn that you gotta take the hits. You seem like the hopeful/loyal type and that can get you fucked hard plenty of times. In my humble opinion, you clearly cant let this girl go even though its been 8 years. So I'd say, fuck if she is with someone or has anything inside her belly. You gotta go and tell her how you feel or else this seems like something that will haunt you forever. Just my opinion.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 20, 2015, 01:20:49 PM
i wonder how different drug-induced depression fee This is Jega speaking:Moderate amounts of Lorazepam ALprazolam oh Let's count GABA, Massive amounts of Flubromazolam and Clonazolam as opposed to that of clinical depression (?).

i experience depression on the second half of the week when the meth. had left the building.

i'm not normally prone to depression but i do struggle with the deficit that my choices give me.

what cures me is mot stimulants OR opiates, believe it or not.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Riddick on October 20, 2015, 01:24:15 PM
I thought youd give something more honest after your previous post, but ok got you bro.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 20, 2015, 01:33:55 PM
In my humble opinion, you clearly cant let this girl go even though its been 8 years. So I'd say, fuck if she is with someone or has anything inside her belly. You gotta go and tell her how you feel about or else this seems like something that will haunt you forever. Just my opinion.

She has a family now. She has a son with a man who is not me now. Over the years i've come to the realization that I will always love Laura. Not everyone get's their princess. She is my princess. But i'm the only one saying that's a bad thing. It's dealing with it that becomes the issue. And that's not an easy issue.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Chip on October 20, 2015, 01:34:53 PM
so is my crystal meth use likely to cause me the same anxiety and depression as you feel, but to a lesser degree ?

i occasionally get the feeling of impending doom.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Riddick on October 20, 2015, 01:41:09 PM
In my humble opinion, you clearly cant let this girl go even though its been 8 years. So I'd say, fuck if she is with someone or has anything inside her belly. You gotta go and tell her how you feel about or else this seems like something that will haunt you forever. Just my opinion.

She has a family now. She has a son with a man who is not me now. Over the years i've come to the realization that I will always love Laura. Not everyone get's their princess. She is my princess. But i'm the only one saying that's a bad thing. It's dealing with it that becomes the issue. And that's not an easy issue.
Its been 8 effin years bro. At what point does it become an excuse to use?
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 20, 2015, 01:44:22 PM
In my humble opinion, you clearly cant let this girl go even though its been 8 years. So I'd say, fuck if she is with someone or has anything inside her belly. You gotta go and tell her how you feel about or else this seems like something that will haunt you forever. Just my opinion.

She has a family now. She has a son with a man who is not me now. Over the years i've come to the realization that I will always love Laura. Not everyone get's their princess. She is my princess. But i'm the only one saying that's a bad thing. It's dealing with it that becomes the issue. And that's not an easy issue.
Its been 8 effin years bro. At what point does it become an excuse to use?
The childs birthday.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Riddick on October 20, 2015, 01:58:13 PM
Im only imagining. But Im seeing it through your eyes and imagining the child as my own. That is rough man. If it helps at all, statistically the chances of her being the "perfect one" for you are like zero.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 20, 2015, 02:04:47 PM
Im only imagining. But Im seeing it through your eyes and see the child as my own. That is rough man. If it helps at all, statistically the chances of her being the "perfect one" for you are like zero.

When she told me she was pregnant I had only small request: That she not name him after me. I mean why why she really. Let's be real here.But I just couldn't have taken it.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Lolleedee on October 20, 2015, 02:14:58 PM
Hey, Jega!  I can "hear" the pain in your voice and I am so sorry that you are hurting.  I'm sorry if I missed part of the story, but is this YOUR child, or is this the other guy's child?  I'm sure you probably don't want to write the whole background of your relationship down, but if you do, I'd be more than happy to listen.

I have no great wisdom or words of advice for a broken heart...I wish I did.  I do hope that you can find your way out of the darkness that is depression.  I know posting about it won't solve anything, but maybe it will be cathartic....
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 20, 2015, 02:32:26 PM
Hey, Jega!  I can "hear" the pain in your voice and I am so sorry that you are hurting.  I'm sorry if I missed part of the story, but is this YOUR child, or is this the other guy's child?  I'm sure you probably don't want to write the whole background of your relationship down, but if you do, I'd be more than happy to listen.

I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to do the whole back story right now but [i'm trying to leave names out of it] but the child she had with him 2 years is their child. I'm depressed but i'm not delusional. It is their son.

I don't know if this will make any sense but we were supposed to be together and we were supposed to have to have a child. A baby boy.

I know you say of there are a million women out there. You'll be fine. But you don't hear is I don't want to hear that, and her and was supposed to with me happen.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Riddick on October 20, 2015, 02:38:14 PM
If you dont want to hear that and you dont seem to want to get over her, then what you gonna do? I guess holding on to what could-of-been is closer to having her than forgetting but how long you prepared to do that for?
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Narkotikon on October 20, 2015, 02:40:10 PM
I'm sorry you're currently depressed, Jega.  I hope you start to feel better soon. 
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Chip on October 20, 2015, 03:44:05 PM
this too shall pass ... it shall take time.

I always think that if someone rejects me then it's over.

I learned that by operating by yourself, you need to work had at finding friends and partners ... it can be done.

the best thing you can do is be a friend and be there, keeping the door ajar but please don't keep on investing in this emotionally as it will hold you back.

that romantic nature of yours and a sincere desire for the right partner, are all good things.

as long as you start to or keep on socializing, you improve the odds.

There is some nice lady out there just waiting for a guy like you ... the trick is to find them.

dating is a numbers game. please do not give up hope.

dust yourself off and aim at putting yourself out there.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Anti-hero on October 22, 2015, 04:21:04 AM
In my humble opinion, you clearly cant let this girl go even though its been 8 years. So I'd say, fuck if she is with someone or has anything inside her belly. You gotta go and tell her how you feel about or else this seems like something that will haunt you forever. Just my opinion.

She has a family now. She has a son with a man who is not me now. Over the years i've come to the realization that I will always love Laura. Not everyone get's their princess. She is my princess. But i'm the only one saying that's a bad thing. It's dealing with it that becomes the issue. And that's not an easy issue.
Its been 8 effin years bro. At what point does it become an excuse to use?

Once again
NOT COOL RIDDICK
If I was to lose DoD
The pines I would be forever
I totally get it Jega
But do you think that maybe you are
Shutting yourself out of some one
That dances to your tune better.
You are a great insightful guy.
Excuse to use
How bout one not to.
Some souls are just not ment for this mortal coil
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 22, 2015, 05:06:10 AM
this too shall pass ... it shall take time.

I always think that if someone rejects me then it's over.

I learned that by operating by yourself, you need to work had at finding friends and partners ... it can be done.

the best thing you can do is be a friend and be there, keeping the door ajar but please don't keep on investing in this emotionally as it will hold you back.

that romantic nature of yours and a sincere desire for the right partner, are all good things.

as long as you start to or keep on socializing, you improve the odds.

There is some nice lady out there just waiting for a guy like you ... the trick is to find them.

dating is a numbers game. please do not give up hope.

dust yourself off and aim at putting yourself out there.

I don't even think I know how to put myself out there anymore



If I was to lose DoD
The pines I would be forever
I totally get it Jega
But do you think that maybe you are
Shutting yourself out of some one
That dances to your tune better.
You are a great insightful guy.
Excuse to use
How bout one not to.
Some souls are just not ment for this mortal coil

Not everyone get's their princess. I just have no idea how to deal with that. I medicate myself enough to not feel because feeling is too painful.

Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Daughter of Dionysus on October 22, 2015, 05:36:57 AM
this too shall pass ... it shall take time.

I always think that if someone rejects me then it's over.

I learned that by operating by yourself, you need to work had at finding friends and partners ... it can be done.

the best thing you can do is be a friend and be there, keeping the door ajar but please don't keep on investing in this emotionally as it will hold you back.

that romantic nature of yours and a sincere desire for the right partner, are all good things.

as long as you start to or keep on socializing, you improve the odds.

There is some nice lady out there just waiting for a guy like you ... the trick is to find them.

dating is a numbers game. please do not give up hope.

dust yourself off and aim at putting yourself out there.

I don't even think I know how to put myself out there anymore



If I was to lose DoD
The pines I would be forever
I totally get it Jega
But do you think that maybe you are
Shutting yourself out of some one
That dances to your tune better.
You are a great insightful guy.
Excuse to use
How bout one not to.
Some souls are just not ment for this mortal coil

Not everyone get's their princess. I just have no idea how to deal with that. I medicate myself enough to not feel because feeling is too painful.

I was just saying that I feel you
Not wanting to feel what you feel.
Saying you are handling it better then me
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on October 22, 2015, 05:39:02 AM

I was just saying that I feel you
Not wanting to feel what you feel.
Saying you are handling it better then me

I'm not sure I am.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Illadelph215 on October 22, 2015, 05:50:01 AM
Jega- You mentioned you talk to her a couple times a year so I'm assuming you still have a friendship. Keep it this was. Let her know that you care for her and will always be there for her. She will still be in your life and as Chipper mentioned you will have your foot in the door if anything were to happen. Plus you will have piece of mind that she's not gone, you still are in her life, but it's just not that kind of relationship anymore. It's a hard I know and a lot of this is easier said then done which I'm aware of especially not being in your shoes, but it's how it is. It's not healthy to view this as it's better to love her from afar and dream of her then to just let her go. As hard as it is you need to realize that what you two had, though as beautiful as it was is over. Be thankful that you have had a love like that and it's not tarnished enough to where you can't talk to her anymore. You can't keep living for her though. You need to do what's best for yourself and self loathing over a girl who has moved on and made a family is going to continue to be very detrimental to your health. I don't want to sound harsh because I soley am looking out for your best interest here. My advice would be to pack up everything you have for her or from her whether it be objects or thoughts and store them away. Talk her those few times a year and keep in touch, but ultimitely you need to do you. Work on yourself for awhile to where you can love yourself again. Not saying you don't know but from my time here, though I don't know you I can tell you are a very smart and unique individual. That is the man your ex fell in love with and you need to find him again but without her. Get out, do activities whether their are past things you enjoyed or new ones. Volunteer or join a club, exercise and join a gym. Once you start getting out more and start getting back to being you and the best you it will all work itself out. There are tons of wonderful, smart, single women out there but you just have to get back to being comfortable, confident, and happy with yourself and the situations with present themselves for you. I know this is all easier said then done but I have been in similar shoes then you and you can do it. Start having some Jega time and getting comfortable being solo and girl's are going to come out of the woodwork wanting to better themselves with you as their wingman. Hope this helps and like most of the fine people here pm me if you need anything man, even if it's just an ear.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Riddick on October 22, 2015, 12:05:04 PM
Fill your hand with a nutsack and tell this girl how it is. If that doesnt work then try that yoga gym shit.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Jega on January 26, 2016, 12:34:05 PM
I'm going to bump my own thread because A) It's my thread, B) It's about the same general topic, and C) I don't want to make another depression thread.

Last night I had a very bad dream. And first off No, Laura wasn't in it. None of this is about her. But it was a very bad, depressing dream. After about 20 minutes I couldn't remember exactly what it was about but the feelings of deep deep depression stuck with me. I honestly can't remember the last time I was as depressed as I was early this morning.

So I did what most of us do when we feel very down--I went looking for chemical relief. I didn't have a ton to use but I took a bunch of Gabapentin and A few of the Alprazolam that I am extremely quickly running out of.

Still not feeling good and knowing there is no weed in the house I went searching anyway. And low and behold I realized I could refill my Tramadol! So of course that’s exactly what I did and waited there till it was filled. It’s only Tramadol but fuck, I’m simply that desperate.

And to say this level of depression started today wouldn’t be accurate. I really started to notice this was a serious problem yesterday afternoon. I considered checking myself back into the hospital but I don’t honestly think it would help. It’s essentially comfortable prison. And I like being able to eat when I want. I like being able to take my medicine when I want—and as much as I feel I need. I would only go back into the hospital if I thought I was a threat to myself or others. I’m not there yet.

I’ll be honest, I do have days I wish I just wouldn’t wake up, but that’s not today. This isn’t exactly this type of depression. I think categorizing depression into a single category is a massive mistake. This is I want to curl up in a ball and cry depression. This is seemingly hopeless depression.

And frankly can you blame me? For the last several months my depression and panic attacks have been absolutely out of control and the only things that have helped have, let’s be honest, and have doped me up. And while I enjoy the feeling of being doped up that doesn’t fix the problem. I’ve been on easily over a dozen different medications and over and over I get nowhere.

I think the Tramadol is the only thing that got me out of that funk this morning. That feeling of no hope. And it’s hard not having any money for cigarettes. Having to go to food banks. Having to call catholic charities. Having to argue with the gas company to apply the credit that the state says we have been approved for. Not seeing a way out…it’s hard. It’s depressing.

I need something to go right in my life. I need some light at the end of the tunnel. And not hypothetical light. Not oh I hope this happens but some really honest to God progress in the right direction and I can take care of my father and I. That life won’t be so hard anymore. Today isn’t my best day.
Title: Re: Depression is like fragging yourself
Post by: Chip on January 27, 2016, 04:53:48 AM
hang in there Jega.

I also fight depression as an unemployed addict (and a part time tweaker) that lives largely on his own - both drug induced and natural ... my bipolar meds don't work well, either.

I understand how it feels but the hope of happier times keeps me going and it's not easy, I get that.

Let's see if tomorrow throws up a better day.
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