dopetalk
Core Topics => Suicide and Ideation => Topic started by: Chip on August 24, 2015, 06:30:14 PM
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I did.
I found my breaking point and i remember how much i couldn't give a fuck. i almost died. it's an old story due to a spinal infection.
it IS possible to just not care - if this is you then PLEASE reach out !
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Yeah, I have, at a few points in my life. I'd guess I'd have to say four. One was when I was a kid in the 5th grade and was being horribly bullied by practically everyone to some extent. The worst was one particular child sociopath (IMO). I would sit by myself on the swingset on the opposite end of the playground everyone else was. I remember just being numb. Like dissociating, like an extreme form of daydreaming.
Second time was probably in college, spring 2000. I wasn't quite yet 20, and I had just lost my two friends at college. One cut off contact b/c of emotional disputes. The other cut off contact simply b/c the other did. It was very traumatic b/c I hadn't had really any friends before. So it was painful to have joy like that then have it suddenly taken away.
Third time was in mid-2006, when I was at the methadone clinic. That shit was just way too sedating for me. For one I think I was on too much methadone (140mg), which was partly my fault and partly the doctor's / clinic's fault, and would just pass out from about 12:00-1:00 every day to about 10:00-11:00 at night. It was an oppressive sedation, like being on phenobarbital all day, every day. That really exacerbated my depression.
Fourth and last time was five years ago in 2010. I was about to turn 30, and felt like the world's biggest looser. No direction, no career, living at home, no purpose or goal in life. I just hated myself. I also felt very numb, indifferent to anything. Didn't care if I lived or died. In fact, I did something really fucking stupid. From about May to November of that year, I flippantly tried to get infected with HIV. I slept with 8 different guys in that period, using no protection. I didn't know if they were positive, but then again I think I was secretly hoping they were. I just wanted a way out. Looking back, even if I were to die, that would have been a horrible death. Thankfully I didn't get infected. I took several HIV tests after that. One in Feb. 2011, one in Oct. 2011, one in Feb. 2012, and another in Jan. 2013. All negative. Yes, I know how stupid I was for doing that.
All in all, I think anyone who deals with depression has felt this way at least one point in their lives, to some extent. There is help out there if / when you want it. I've always thought therapy while taking medication works the best. The therapy helps you work through these issues and learn better coping skills. The medication helps alleviate some of the symptoms and makes the therapy more effective.
Much luck to anyone who deals with this.
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Nark, I just read your post and my heart just ached for you! I too have been in a place that dark...right before I got on methadone for the second time in 2013. I won't go into the gorey details, but I know how the dark abyss feels...and I am so very sorry that you eveer had to experience that. Much love, my friend!
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Nark, I just read your post and my heart just ached for you! I too have been in a place that dark...right before I got on methadone for the second time in 2013. I won't go into the gorey details, but I know how the dark abyss feels...and I am so very sorry that you eveer had to experience that. Much love, my friend!
Thanks for your support Lolleedee. I appreciate it. I'm much better now. I don't feel like I wanna die or anything. Mainly just have a lingering indifference to things (i.e., lack of motivation). The older I get the more okay with being me I guess. It's great to just accept things as they are, and not putting society's / other people's expectations on myself. I think it's very liberating when you cease to compare yourself to others and what they think you should be. Of course it's a process. No one succeeds at first.
I'm very sorry to hear that you've been in that place too. I wish you luck in dealing with it, should it ever happen again. You seem much more stable now. I'm glad you got on MMT and achieved some stability in your life. It's so nice to not have to worry about being sick, and all that entails.
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The methadone definitely helped...I wish I hadn't waited so long to get back on...too busy listening to the nay sayers. I have since decided that they have no fucking clue what is best for me...I do, damn it!!!
I know well that feeling of not actively trying to die, but not giving a fuck if you do. I guess it is the extreme end of anhedonia. I always thought that after I dealt with some of my "issues" I would feel better, but that flat feeling has been a part of me since I was a small child. No wonder I loved opiates!!! FINALLY I could enjoy things...things other people enjoyed so effortlessly....like friends, family, rainbows..all that shit!
I think as we get older we learn how to accept ourselves more than we did. I wish it were easy to do, but as you mentioned, it is a process.
I try to remember that no one really cares what I do...they are all too busy wondering who is judging THEM! So, I'm just working on trying to accept myself more. What amazes me is that I accept everyone for who they are, what they do, who they love....I just can't be that accepting to myself....ahhhh something else to work on,
I wish I had some great words of wisdom...unfortunately I am at a loss. I do hope that you continue to climb out of the darkness...I'm around if you ever need a sounding board!
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At the end with heroin, I just wanted to O.D so bad...but my tolerance was so ridiculous I couldn't. Talk about fucking depressing, I knew I was out of control but didn't really know how to get help or what help was. In Ohio there is really no infrastructure to deal with the heroin crisis...getting into the Methadone Clinic takes MONTHS...Suboxone must be paid for in cash because it's a money racket and not really about "enriching" lives.
After rehab I was Homicidal-Suicidal. I had all this rage at society, I think I was really on the verge of going psychotic. I was destroying my life. I was miserable to be around and everyone noticed. One day, about a week after I got my dog, I was sitting on the couch with him...he was trembling and afraid because I had just had a blow up with the wifey, over something that was basically just me being crazy. I knew, that for me, pharmaceutical roulette with a psychiatrist was not something I was willing to subject myself to again. I realized that instead of seeing Opiate Dependence as some terrible plague on my life, I had to learn to walk hand in hand with it, and treat the opiates as the medicines they are.
At this point it also became very clear that all opiates come from a plant, and that a plant can be grown. For some reason, and I don't know why, I always saw Opiates as something that only came from a chemistry lab. It sounds dumb but it was a major breakthrough and put me back in control of my life. I figured out that there was another way, outside of NA/AA or even Suboxone/Methadone. There was a way I could do maintenance and still be free.
Opiates have helped me tremendously with whatever mental illness it is, that I have...although I have a strong feeling its Borderline Personality Disorder caused by having PTSD that went untreated my whole life....well not untreated...but not treated effectively. Anti-Psychotics, Anti-Depressants, etc don't work for BPD/PTSD but Opiates do because they disrupt the negative feedback loop and constant recollection of traumas. What makes me sad is that top Psychologist/Psychiatrist's are aware that opiates work best for these disorders but cannot r.x. them due to all the stigma and bullshit. It does give me hope that some countries are using Suboxone to treat BPD/PTSD...although even the literature states that good old Morphine works best...
I know a lot of people out there are struggling, feeling weak and down in the dirt...opiate dependence can be a real pain the the ass...but if you think about it...its way better than having diabetes! or MS! or a lot of other shit.
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I clearly remember feeling that way just before my first trip to rehab. At the time, I was in the depths of a 2-3 month IV dope/coke binge. I was doing roughly a gram and a half of dope and about 2-3 grams of coke a day. I was extremely emaciated, rarely showered, ate maybe 3 or 4 times a week total, and just didn't give a shit whether I lived or died. In fact, I pretty much resigned myself to the idea that the end was near and that was that. Most days I didn't leave my house. When I was admitted to rehab and going through intake, the doctor literally looked at me and said "Boy, you made it here just in time. I'd say you probably wouldn't have lasted another month or two at the rate you were going." For some reason that statement really shook me. It could have been the serious but caring tone in his voice, the concerned look on his face, or something else altogether but I'll never forget that day. Anyway, I've done a lot of work on myself and although I'm still using I'm certainly in a much better place mentally, emotionally, and physically than I was back then.
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This thread is giving me alot to think about. I recognize many of these same things about myself. Good thread you guys. Hope everyone is getting better.
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I didn't give a fuck if I lived or died during this last run before I got on methadone a few months ago. I shared a needle with a girl who told me she had hep c and I was just like "I'll be dead from drugs way before the hep c kills me.". My whole theory was that if I went hard enough for long enough and did enough wreckless things I would eventually die. I attempted suicide last year and got arrested instead of dying. That really turned me off to the idea of suicide by heroin and benzos and tool much of a pussy to do anything more violent so I figured the go hard theory was rational enough. I did that for awhile and for some reason after a few months the depression gradually lessened and I decided to get on methadone. And here I am today.
It was a weird time in my life. In many ways it was liberating. I didn't have to care about the consequences of my actions because I was planning on dying soon anyway. In other ways I did damage to my life that I am just really coming to terms with.
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...but Opiates do because they disrupt the negative feedback loop and constant recollection of traumas. What makes me sad is that top Psychologist/Psychiatrist's are aware that opiates work best for these disorders but cannot r.x. them due to all the stigma and bullshit. It does give me hope that some countries are using Suboxone to treat BPD/PTSD...although even the literature states that good old Morphine works best...
I agree with you on that. Morphine / PPT / PST always made me feel normal, social, outgoing, and just better. Suboxone helps some, but I certainly don't get the social, outgoing aspect I got from morphine. Maybe when I first started it and got a slight high / glow, but not now. Now I just feel normal. It's like I'm not taking an opioid at all, which is fine I guess. Morphine and other opiates should be researched and implemented more in psychiatric use IMO.
I found this interesting. When I was at the clinic several years ago, the doctor there was telling me about a doctor in NY he knew that scripted hydrocodone to his cutting patients. Because one of the primary reasons for cutting is to reduce stress via the release of endorphins, he told his patients to take Vicodin when they felt the need to cut.
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I figured the go hard theory was rational enough.
Hell, the "go-hard theory" almost put me in the ground and I wasn't even necessarily trying to kill myself. I simply just didn't care what happened to me and used massive amounts of IV heroin and cocaine on a daily basis for way too long. I imagine I probably wouldn't be here today if I were actually trying to end my life.
It was a weird time in my life. In many ways it was liberating. I didn't have to care about the consequences of my actions because I was planning on dying soon anyway. In other ways I did damage to my life that I am just really coming to terms with.
I totally agree with you there. Being so depressed that you just don't give a shit is quite liberating in a way. You end up doing things that you wouldn't normally do and not all of them turn out badly necessarily. It was definitely an interesting time in my life, to say the least.
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Can you be more specific about what you mean by "Ill"? As in a physical health problem or both physical and mental. Or just withdraws?
I'd like to post but I'm not sure what you mean by ill.
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I'd just take it as meaning any kind of illness.
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I didn't think the thread would yield so many similar responses but it's an all too familiar result of wanton druge abuse.
contrary to what we thought, more drugs had the opposite effect on me/us ... you get so immersed in the drug use-score-use cycle that you disconnect with mainstream society and all the routines that go with it.
although I felt so alone, sick and stranded, back then I had no sane person to turn to.
how I wish I had access to all the good people and technology that i have now because I doubt that I would've plunged into the drug abyss.
medical issues from IV use will undoubtably arise the longer and harder you go - if you think it will never happen to you then you are either lucky, very careful or mistaken.
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I didn't think the thread would yield so many similar responses but it's an all too familiar result of wanton druge abuse.
contrary to what we thought, more drugs had the opposite effect on me/us ... you get so immersed in the drug use-score-use cycle that you disconnect with mainstream society and all the routines that go with it.
although I felt so alone, sick and stranded, back then I had no sane person to turn to.
how I wish I had access to all the good people and technology that i have now because I doubt that I would've plunged into the drug abyss.
medical issues from IV use will undoubtably arise the longer and harder you go - if you think it will never happen to you then you are either lucky, very careful or mistaken
This! I've hAd a lot of medical issues from many years of shooting tar. I haven't shot any tar since the summer, but I've got zero veins left and my skin looks like the coat of leopard or cheetah, but not in a good way. And I can relate to the post about wanting to OD but having to much tolerance. I'm way better now!
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This is how I've felt the last few weeks. I haven't showered in weeks, I only get out of bed to goto the clinic 4 days a week or goto the bathroom. Luckily I am never around people so I don't get judged for it really. I have always hated showering though, if I don't shower for a few days I will jokingly defend myself and say I am a water conservationist. I may be autistic, I hate being touch and especially hate being wet or having anything on my hands. I show a lot of other signs and symptoms.
I have thought for the past few years I may have the early signs of parkinson's disease. I have always had extremely shaky hands my handwriting looks like a 5 year old who is writing with his left hand. I can't draw a straight line to save my life. If I try to hold something in a set position or still, like when I am writing, my hand will violently shake. I often drop things I am holding from a major twitch that happens occasionally where I lose all control of my hand. I am definitely a hypochondriac but I have most all of the signs and symptoms of early parkinson. I just don't know how they would test me or if my doctor would take me serious.
If I do any exercise especially pushups or any thing with my arms I can't hold anything. My hands and arms shake so severe that a lot of the time I can't even hold a water bottle without twitching and losing control of it. It has been pretty bad most of my life and getting progressively worse. It is now noticeable and a lot of things make it worse like if I'm not well hydrated, any exercise, trying to do things where my hand has to be held in a set position, even trying to put in or take out screws is difficult.
Does anyone have experience with parkinson disease or know anyone who has it? I have only read things about it online and never gotten any info from a person who has it. It would be nice to know if it is something I have or have signs of getting it in the future. I used to think it was from drinking because from 15-21 I drank 2-6 beers a day over the course of most of the day to help with sleep and anxiety. I stopped drinking completely when I got on opiates and for a while it made my hands not shake as much.
It is sad watching me to try to shoot up with how shaky my hands are. There were a lot of times I just couldn't do it. I couldn't hold it still enough to keep it in the vein while pressing down and like I said things some things make it worse so if it was bad I had no way of getting well by myself. I would of have tons of tracks because of it, wish they could do something to give me steady hands like a surgeon.
My handwriting is embarrassing and it makes some jobs impossible for me to do most construction jobs I can't do because I can't draw a straight line, cut a line, and I have trouble holding stuff still to screw in. Even hammering nails isn't easy because I am legally half blind due to a lazy eye and it makes my depth perception so off its horrible.
I am also a terrible driver because of it and that may have been a huge factor when I got my dui. The cop said I wasn't crossing the lines but going side to side with in them so he initially pulled me over for weaving. I can't walk a straight line because of it and my eyes don't follow the light the together when they make you watch as they move a flash light side to side.
Also having to touch my point of my nose while standing on one foot was hard to do I missed the first time. It maybe hard for everyone or maybe my brain just doesn't work like it should. I remember when the other guys in my pod had me do a roadside test after I had been there for 4 weeks. I had the exact same results if not worse because I was still weak from withdrawal. It was funny though.
For the nose touch test with your eyes still closed. You are supposed to stand on one leg with your eyes closed for 20 seconds with out swaying to one side then do the other leg. After that you are supposed to hold you arm out like you are pointing to someone to the side of you and only bend your elbow to touch your nose and do it with each hand 3 times. You aren't allowed to open your eyes at all after you stand on one leg for 20 seconds. If you touch anything except for the point at the end of your nose like the side top or nostril area it counts as a fail.
When walking in a straight line you are supposed to walk heel to toe looking forward you can't look down and you can't raise you arms for balance or sway to one side or it will count as a fail. That is hard for me because of my depth perception being off. When I look in front of me the actual line isn't where it appears to be. I am the kind of driver who spends 5 minutes parking or thinks I am in the lines when I am completely over or 8 feet away from the curb or car parked front of me. I can only do so good with mirrors and muscle memory.
Another part of the roadside sobriety test is you are supposed to put your hands flat against theirs without leaning forward or anything. Like they are directly in front of you with both of their hands out in a fist and you are supposed to push with constant pressure against their fists with your hands flat. They pull their hands back and change the amount of pressure they are holding their fists out with and you aren't allowed to step forward or lose your footing. They also do it with you pushing to the right and left.
I would imagine if you don't have good balance or if you aren't a gymnast then you probably will fail. I wonder if they have done studies to show what percentage of people fail a roadside sobriety test completely sober or if they have done tests at different BAC levels for people who have been able to pass it and see if they are able to pass at .08-.2 that would be interesting to watch. I would imagine if your balance is at least pretty good then you would fail
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I read that there is a lot of confirmation bias in the tests. They don't give the test if they don't suspect you are intoxicated, and the test just confirms their theory. With the availability of breathalyzers now it just seems antiquated. I am surprised that there aren't blood sugar type pinprick machines for drug testing by now.
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Saw this earlier today, the newest tool in Big Brothers arsenal. All I can say is what the motherfucking fuck?
http://www.gizmag.com/roadside-marijuana-breath-test/40692/
Detecting marijuana by way of a road-side test seems an obvious enough measure as the legalization movement gathers momentum, but an effective technology is yet to really be established. Current approaches relying on blood and urine samples are unable to distinguish between somebody driving under the influence, and somebody that has simply used the drug sometime in the last month. But one US company now claims to have developed a breathalyzer system that can measure levels of THC in one's breath to determine how much a road user is impaired when behind the wheel.
The journey toward an effective road-side breath test for marijuana has been a slow-going, with a number of private companies and research groups making gradual but important progress. These have included teams from the University of Akron and Washington State University who are working on small devices that through breath and the saliva can quickly measure THC, the psychoactive ingredient of marijuana.
Canadian company Cannabix is a private firm that claims to be closer to a market-ready product, recently announcing an alpha prototype that it says can detect THC use within a two-hour window to offer on-the-spot positive or negative readings. But other than a lot of huffing and puffing, Cannabix is keeping its cards close to its chest in terms of how its technology actually works.
In claiming a major scientific breakthrough today, California's Hound Labs isn't giving away a whole lot more. But based on just one or two breaths, its proprietary technology developed with scientists from University of California, Berkely is claimed to measure THC levels to within 500 picograms (one trillionth of a gram). Through a mix of chemistry, microfluids and engineering, it says its technology is at least one million times more sensitive than that used to measure alcohol on the breath.
"What we can tell you is that our device utilizes precise chemical reactions to isolate THC and measure the actual level of THC in breath," Hound Labs' CEO Dr Mike Lynn, tells Gizmag. "After it is optimized for a hand-held device it will be very similar to current roadside alcohol breathalyzers used all over the country."
A breathalyzer that gauges the actual levels of THC, rather than producing simply a positive or negative reading, would be a great step toward an effective solution. But there is still some conjecture over exactly what level of THC represents an unacceptable impairment for drivers. In Washington, for example, five nanograms of THC per millilitre of blood is the legal limit, while other states have taken a zero tolerance approach.
Hound Labs tells us it has tested its technology in the laboratory, with clinical trials and law enforcement roadside tests to begin soon. It will be built into a hand-held breathlyzer just like those used to test for alcohol, with the device to carry a similar cost and be unveiled early in 2016.
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I would LOVE to do a skills course on and off bud in order to evaluate impairment.
As a teen I'd get high as fuck and ride motorcycles on tracks, around and around and around, for hours and hours, just blazed as fuck. I'll still blaze before hitting up the local indoor rental kart track, and I'll put down the same times I always do -- I don't think it really matters that much.
To me with weed the biggest problem is attention (like always really), but I really don't think it impairs coordination much at all.
Damn would I love to find out.
Thinking about it, I actually could do this. But if I documented it and it got out, I'd almost surely be banned from the car clubs and fuck that. There'd have to be like permission and oversight..
I knew this would come up someday.
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And to top that, just read this in my monthly newsletter from my health care provider. Looks like I'm going to have to give up MJ in order to keep my prescription for Opiods (not gonna happen), or join the millions of other undermedicated folks that must resort to illegal methods to procure the medication I need to be able to function. Total Fucking Bullshit. Here's the article:
"In response to the rising epidemic of abuse of prescription medications, South Shore Medical Center has taken a proactive stance to enhance patient safety and stem the supply of unnecessary controlled substance prescriptions in the community. As of January 1, 2016, South Shore Medical Center will roll out a new policy which will govern the prescription of all chronic controlled substances (opioids, sedatives, and stimulants). A new Medical Center initiative on THC (marijuana) use will also be incorporated in the policy. Look for more details in the South Shore Medical Center newsletter next month. We look forward to working with our patients to build best practices around safe prescribing in the community."