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Author Topic: I'm done  (Read 12155 times)

Offline Specter

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #14 from previous page: January 17, 2016, 08:53:32 PM »
Can you get yourself some help? Rehab an option?

Dude I had a great job for my area making way more money than one should need and 3 weeks from getting married when my life came crashing down.  I spent several hundred thousand dollars and lost absolutely everything.  I was the same way-- literally nothing got me off my ass unless it was to procure narcotics.  Finally I couldn't fucking deal with it anymore and went to rehab.  I didn't want to go infact I hated the first few days of it maybe the first week of it... Then I just stuck it out did the work did the BS too and tried to smile.  It wasn't fun but 28 days later I felt like a new person.

I have feelings again, I care about shit again-- that's not drugs.  I still think about it, I still miss it but I don't fucking miss feeling like you're feeling right now.  This is cliche as fuck but nobody can help you but you-- I truly mean that. 

I truly wish you the best because this shit absolutely fucking sucks.  I'm thinking what the fuck do people do when they don't do drugs or drink-- especially on the weekend.  I will say though that I've tried this game every fucking way you can try it and I always end up miserable.  I'm not some fucking person that will sit here and tell you that you can't do what you want-- but I couldn't break that spell until I had 3 weeks of clean time in me.
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Offline Narkotikon

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2016, 11:37:20 PM »
TTA, I'm very sorry you're feeling this way. I'm glad you decided to return to post, because it gave you a chance to read what everyone wrote. I also believe all the people who responded to this thread are genuinely concerned, and that they genuinely care for you.

I'm glad your attempt didn't work. Please don't try it again. I think it's s great sign that you said you wouldn't. I echo everyone's advice to get out and reach out to friends. Talk to them, use them as a support network. I promise getting this stuff off your chest will make you feel better, even if just temporarily.

When you're able, force yourself to get out of your car and do something. It doesn't have to be grand, or anything that costs money. If it's not too cold out, take a walk. Admire the scenery. Look at interesting homes and architecture if you're interested in that type of thing. Forcing yourself to get out there will help you feel better temporarily.

I don't leave the house much. I have no real desire to. I usually only leave once a week to go to appointments and run errands. At most twice a week. And it's exhausting, and I complain about having to do it, and I don't look forward to having to do it. But once I do, and after I get home, I feel much better. I also think of all the experiences I had that day, and how the world and people don't always suck as much as I think they do. It's the constant pessimism that's the problem, as well as the depression and the accompanying lack of motivation. I think you'd be similar. If you forced yourself to go out, you'd feel better. If only for a while. It's something at least. A little ray of light in a sea of shit.

I'm not sure what's around you, but lots of places have either free or sliding scale therapy places. Sure, you could start seeing a therapist. It's really not that bad. If you get a bad one, or one you don't like, you're free to switch to a different one. The point is that you'd have one advocate in your corner. Someone in your real, offline life that is supportive of you. That can be a lifeline.

Also, if you did that, lots of agencies have social workers that act as case managers. A case manager could help you find employment, housing, apply for benefits if applicable, etc. They work for you to help you get your life back on track. They'll know of local programs that could help you: temporary / emergency and eventually permanent housing; locations of food pantries to help you eat; and help you find other services and programs that might benefit you. In short, they can help you get out of your car and off the streets. It's just something to consider.

Good luck, and much respect for having the courage to post this topic and your feelings. If you really don't want to post, I at least hope you come back to read the subsequent posts after your last. Another thing for future reference, is that you can set up your account to have replies to your posts emailed to you. You can also have your PMs forwarded to your email. So even if you don't want to log on, you'd still be notified when someone is trying to talk to you. Stay safe, and feel better soon.
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Offline Zoops

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2016, 12:56:56 AM »
Yeah man, what Nark said is good advice. Sure, eating three meals a day won't help you to find someplace to live, and having some new friends won't either, or exercising, or learning about world politics, but if you do stuff like that, you won't feel so down in the dumps. And that's how stuff happens in people's lives. They get out there and interact with others.

That's how people find a place to live, a job, a pussy rider, everything.

But you know this already. I've seen you do it.

And you needn't spend a dime on food. If you're in any type of city-ish/suburban area, they most likely have some resources like a food pantry. If you don't have food stamps, GET THEM! It was pretty easy, and even a dyed in the wool conservative like me applied for them and got them. It's not much money, or even enough money, to eat with, but that combined with the free groceries from the food pantry ensured I didn't starve, if only for one day. I mean realistically, there was no way I was going to die of starvation where I was living, but it helped me not to have to go a day or two without food, which would have been a real possibility. And let me tell you having to go a full 24 hours without some sustenance is not pleasant.

And shit, if you get enough food from the pantry, then you can flip your food stamps to get cash for drugs or alcohol (which I did most of the time anyways - when I wasn't shoplifting my beers!). The free groceries were enough for me to survive on, just enough, and the selection was the pits, but it enabled me to not have to spend ANY money on food!                                       Occasionally, they'd have some really nice shit at the food pantry, like whole chickens, sausages, real nice samwiches from Whole Foods that was marked like $8.00, ice cream, and gourmet shit like hummus. We got a wide selection of pastries every week.

IDK why I went off on that little tangent. But damn, don't get so down on yourself. You can actually have some fun, you know.
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Offline Chip

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2016, 04:04:23 AM »
TTA, you are a tough mofo. ... you will not only get through this but I predict that you will look back at the strength you displayed during this severe low point.

things can only get improve ... you HAVE to stay with us.

... besides, the site needs you - regular, high value posters are exactly what everyone wants.

please, please, please stay with us !

you will bounce back if you just hold on ... I attempted suicide twice and a passer-by saved me ... I am forever grateful.

you are much loved here.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2016, 04:06:26 AM by chipper »
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Offline Griffin

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2016, 12:54:31 PM »
I am going to reiterate what zoops said cause that is great advice. Definitely look into all of the food pantries and homeless resources you have close to you. When I got arrested the 1st time and lost everything I was feeling pretty shitty I had just everything I own, my job, house, girlfriend, car, etc, and i only had the clothes on my back and couldnt leave the state even though i had no family or friends for 700 miles. It was a struggle no doubt, it was winter, and besides kicking rocks I didn't what to do.

It took me 4 months to get into a homeless shelter, and it was the best thing that has probably ever happened to me. The saying it isn't what you know it is who you know is so true, every single job that I haven't gotten off craigslist I got from someone I knew. Same thing with the homeless shelter, my temporary MMT counselor-in-training used to work at the homeless shelter, and after she saw me going once a week for a few months with no success she called the lady who ran the thing and got me a spot.

Reach out to the people you know, before I got into the homeless shelter a friend got me a job at a pizza hut and someone I worked with there let me sleep on their couch for $50 a week, for a month. The homeless shelter gave me a bus pass, clothes, a home, all of my food, and a lot of knowledge. I had my own room and it was really nice all the food was donated from whole foods. I didn't have to spend a dime and I stayed there for 2 months until I saved up money and found a cheap place to live that they recommended.

Just going out and looking for homeless resources, and a job is very satisfying. It kills time, you meet a lot of people, and every person you meet is really an oppurtunity. If you don't have food stamps, or medicaid goto the HR office and get them, or atleast sign up online if you can so you don't have to make a day out of it. I get like 100 a month for food its amazing and medicaid is the best insurance I have ever had by far its almost worth staying poor for.

When people give me shit about being on it and relying on the government and all that I just explain my arrests, the fines I have to pay from them, and how much I pay each year in taxes and tell them I getting my shit back. I've had to pay over $5000 from my arrests and until I feel like I have been paid in full for my pain and suffering I am not going to feel bad at all about it, if you feel bad about it you can chalk it up to my tab of me getting mine back.

They really help a ton, just being able to save 100$ a month on food is so nice. Financial stress is one of the worst things to deal with it sucks hard. Also being able to get medical care and get my methadone for free is another thing that helps me tremendously to stay on my feet and not have to worry as much about financial bs. So please sign up for both and see if you can get a little help with it if you haven't already. That is why it's there for people struggling.

Finding food pantries, and homeless resource centers is another big life saver, I lost everything twice, and being able to get clothes, and little shit for my apartment, having someone help me with jobs, housing, food, and everything in between was a huge help. Keeping your mind occupied while doing things to better yourself is the best way to get through this. Find a shitty job, a shitty place until you can find a better one, and be where you want to be. I really wish the best for you, its not easy out there and you deserve it! Keep your head up!
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Offline candy

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #19 on: January 22, 2016, 03:15:40 AM »
Hey TTA,
Please check in with us and let us know how you are doing.
I know you may not feel up to posting, but we all do care for you and to lose you would be another great loss for us.

I wish I had something to say that would make things better for you, but I can only tell you that you are a valuable member, friend, and human being, so please just let us know in a few sentences that you are OK.

I will keep you in my thoughts...Sometimes all we can do is take it a minute at a time and if that is all you an do right now, we all have been there at one time or another. Know you are not alone as you can see by the responses of people who care for you.

Hang in there...Sometimes it does get worse before it gets better, but that is just the way it goes for so many who deal with the problems we do as addicts/mental illness/CPP. Keep reaching out, because support is always so helpful when you are in the place you are right now.

Take care and please do reach out before you attempt anything that may have consequences that cannot be turned around or treated.
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Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #20 on: January 24, 2016, 12:22:40 AM »
Im still doing shit and am hanging on by using slightly more
of course this is going on credit card so I am gonna end up super fucked but idc

I met some more people,
Some dudes (mostly super cool)
Some ladies (both couldn't possibly fit more :drama: in their lives)

That being said I did have 4hrs of totally fucking depraved sex
you know the kind when you use juuusst a lil too much dope
(Hence 4hrs lol)
With a crazy beautiful girl who turned 18 less than 10 days ago
and has only had one bf, a :fuckboy: as they say

These women mean nothing to me though
the other is a junkie of the benzo and vyvanse variety
who actively steals from her mom

I was gonna move in to a place but got no help from family or any hours this week
still in my car, still feeling hopeless
and my parents just keep making it worse

Im past hurting myself
I just still have no reason to get out of bed tjese days
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Offline Reezy

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #21 on: January 24, 2016, 02:39:18 AM »
The only advice I can give is to fake it. Hear me out. When I was down and out I kinda forced myself to do things. Making up little false situations like "if you do this then this will happen(somthing good you want) basically it had a snowball affect. I can say I never felt more confident in my life than as of recently. And now I'm the back of my mind when I feel my self slipping I try and say wtf are you doing shut the fuck up and ride. It's harder said than done I know, otherwise why haven't I done it years ago. Another thing on dreams that played a part in what I just said, is them seeming unachievable is that if another human has done it, you can do it. I saw a post on Facebook I believe that said 97% of people who gave up there dreams are employed by the 3% that didn't.now that's just some inspirational bullshit.. But what ever your dreams may be fake it and treat it like this is fact. Believe it.
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Offline DeadCat

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #22 on: January 24, 2016, 01:35:14 PM »
TTA-

I spent a few years in the 90's in Hollywood, FL shooting dope and smoking rock. I even was a guest of Broward ANS Dade county jails at different times. I learned quite a bit about the scene si ci=ontact me if you have questions or justwant to shoot the shit.

-DC
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Offline thetalkingasshole (OP)

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Re: I'm done
« Reply #23 on: January 24, 2016, 06:04:52 PM »
idk why
but i slept 14hrs last night
and i woke up today feeling actually optimistic about things overall
circumstances are all the same, but for some reason, its just ok now

ive been trying to do the right thing at every opportunity
especially helping out other kids and people in my situation
rides to shelters or food or even money
even gave a TINY bit of my dope to someone who was also clearly sick
just want to try and make the best of this time because i guess like reezy said
its a time of life when you have to fake it if even just to survive

i guess thats the nice thing about a steady source of morphine ;)
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As I grew up, I opened my eyes and saw the real world, and I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since

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