Author Topic: moe is about to write a new chapter in his life, hang on!  (Read 256 times)

Offline MoeMentim (OP)

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moe is about to write a new chapter in his life, hang on!
« on: December 19, 2018, 09:07:40 AM »
so today i had this experience that happens sometimes.  i'm bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies, only get get voices, always bad, rarely.  psych says i'm not schizo, just "on the spectrum".  so today...  this thing happens when i get off booze or drugs (not heroin though, that's always bad forever) my seratonin spikes up & down, i get bad lows but also these manic periods where my mind is on fire, everything is electric & i see IT ALL.  this wasn't the usual mania, i think the ketamine has kept me more even, but definitely related. 

i texted the following to a friend & am just going to copy & paste to save me the trouble.

  "i had a lot on my mind today, heavy stuff.  i think, i HOPE that i'm finally going to step off the edge & make some major life changes.  since the farm i've let myself be pulled in two directions, what i want to do (be a welder, work on cool shit, get back to my projects) & what i believe, or rather know, i'm supposed to do.  i got hit with some heavy stuff out of left field this morning, not voices, those are always bad, but very similar.  a non-audible but strong message out of nowhere.  definitely had the character of an outside message, i wasn't reflecting on my life or thinking about anything, it just came out of left field.  i had the exact same experience with the exact same phrase, word for word at the farm once, i need to go back through my journals & find out what was going on at the time & what if anything came about.  i get this sometimes, especially when coming off drugs or alcohol, i can expect it day 3 or 4 (not heroin though, that's JUST bad forever...).  i assume this came about due to the cocaine, seratonin spiking up & down messing with meds does strange things.  i'll just stay vague since it's a purely religious thing, if you want to know the words that's fine, happy to say but i feel like if i came straight out with it it'd sound, not preachy or anything, but i dunno.  what use would an athiest have for the info.  i just really try my best not to even appear to come off as promoting christianity.  i think it's an improper thing to do as i think christ is at least, if not more destructive to one's self than constructive.  it's a burden to be a christian, or at least it SHOULD be.  i think i'm pretty unique in this respect but feel it's the truth.  anyhow, the long and short of it is that part of me has wanted very badly to work someplace like the farm.  someplace where my experience with drugs and mental illness can help others in similar situations. i'm going to start volunteering there every friday again & i'm going to do absolutely everything i can to try to get myself hired on there.  several guys i went there with work there now & i know that if a spot were open i'd be on a very short list, they love me.  i'd make the BEST work supervisor there ever.  probably would start as weekend on sight house manager, keep an eye on things when the staff isn't there.  i'll have to stop smoking pot but that matters little.  pay is low so i'd probably have to sell the fastback, maybe even the coupe. theologically this is the best explanation why a loving god would allow suffering, to prepare individuals who've overcome to help others.  ask anyone who's made this a point in their lives or even just those who empathy comes natural to.  all will say it's the best part of their lives & brings them more joy than following their own desires ever could.  i'd really like to tell you the words that came to me, they rang in my head all day.  despite the fact that it was all good it was heavy to me to the point of uncomfortableness & i was glad to leave work & get home"

"no, this happens in my manic states for sure but very calm today besides the uncomfortablness.  when i was in high school i was aimless.  had no idea what i wanted to do with my life.  i had no ambition for success or money.  vaguely wanted a family but that was mostly cause i grew up in a good one i guess.  i recall explicitely, when i was applying for colleges that all i wanted was to learn, aquire as many unique life experiences as possible.  and being the self-examinatory animal that i am, thought that if any efforts were worthwile for an individual to put out it would be to help others.  i recall all of this vividly.  i took the cheap, easy way out, chose drugs & self indulgence.  i have this chance, with 1/2 of my life left, to make things right.  in fact, it'll be 10k% better than if i'd chosen the straight & narrow then.  especially if i'd have chosen religion then.  i'd be someone living a puritan/legalistic life to show off and use as a soapbox.  thank fucking god that ain't me.  that probably was never a possibility for me really though.
i just texted my 2nd best friend, the most influential individual in my life & the reason i'm a cfhristian.  unless he knows from his brother he doesn't know i'm not a fire breathing athiest today.  met in philosophy class, lived, drank & drugged together.  we had the best god/no god discussions.  there was a time that we disciplined ourselves to leave the bar when we started talking nonsense, go home, take a nap, wake up & start where we left off.
 he saw me through my first heroin habit, literally.  broke my heel, he moved in, paid my rent & spotted me $250 so i could buy a quarter pound & make enough selling to get by.  we traded trucks cause his was an auto.  it was then, unemployed that i pulled books off his shelf, paul tillick, dietrich bonnhoeffer, soren kierkegaard & that was it for me, changed my life.  i've been unable to talk to him for 20 years & thought he might be holding a grudge.  i couldn't say anything to him because my life was shit, i had nothing to say.  he was glad to hear from me i guess"




Post Merged: December 19, 2018, 09:15:32 AM
i guess, since i can be myself here i'll go ahead & say what the message was.  "erik, you have suffered enough for your sins, start praising god now because everything in your life is just about to change."  not just a little heavy, right?
« Last Edit: December 19, 2018, 09:26:12 AM by MoeMentim »

Offline bignasty

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Re: moe is about to write a new chapter in his life, hang on!
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2018, 10:51:53 PM »
maybe that's a true sign from God and has nothing to do with your mental illness or hallucinations or anything like that. I'm not really religious but have nothing against people who are unless they're the ones at Mardi Gras or Bonnaroo or festivals like that telling you that your way of living is wrong and that you're going to hell.

I wonder if that's ever worked for one single person? Like some drunk dude on Bourbon St. in NOLA during Mardi Gras tells his friends "you know what guys? They're right, we're not living right. I'm going with them so y'all don't worry about me and I'll find a way back home". If it's ever worked, I'd be willing to bet it was just for a little while for a person having a bad trip. Once his/her bad trip is over, they probably go back to their friends.

Offline MoeMentim (OP)

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Re: moe is about to write a new chapter in his life, hang on!
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2018, 05:52:17 AM »
maybe that's a true sign from God and has nothing to do with your mental illness or hallucinations or anything like that. I'm not really religious but have nothing against people who are unless they're the ones at Mardi Gras or Bonnaroo or festivals like that telling you that your way of living is wrong and that you're going to hell.

i do take it as a message from god.  that's the way i experience it.  i know it could be nothing more than my mental illness but it's a conscious decision to take the risk to believe.

funny story, i ws walking in downtown fort collins with a friend from the farm, another ex-junky.  we passed a group of krishnas drumming & chanting.  then came upon a guy with a sign "ask me why you're going to hell"  ok, i'll bite.  he gave us spiel, how we are sinners.  my buddy goes, "dude, i'm a sinner?  you don't know the half of it."  i said "i'm a christian & would much rather go hang out with those krishnas than you."
« Last Edit: December 22, 2018, 05:57:08 AM by MoeMentim »

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