Author Topic: boozing journal  (Read 2038 times)

Offline DiacetylKineval (OP)

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boozing journal
« on: June 17, 2016, 01:16:47 AM »
I have relapsed yet again at some bar cant remember what i was posting, attempting to gain the best command of my vocabulary to sound intelligent, however id just like to post. I feel as though perhaps you are the only circle of people i can trust. I just want to post.

Offline Snout

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2016, 01:39:18 AM »
I read your post, keep writing! I've never been a drinker, Im interested, it just makes me feel stupid. Heroin is the only thing that rings my bell
I myself have found a real rival in myself,
I am hoping for a re-arrival of my health- wilco

Offline Chip

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2016, 04:18:47 AM »
yeah, you can trust us ... keep posting !
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Offline DiacetylKineval (OP)

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2016, 09:31:28 AM »
Man, when dante wrote about the circles of hell, he added the deepest layer after getting drunk. Actually he was probably fucked up the whole time but the sick thing about booze, is it truly can make me more psychotic than the most chronic meth users i know, and no offense to the fans of speed, but thats saying something. And i love heroin man, its unfortunately out of my budget and out of my reach at the moment, but even when im on it, sometimes i feel too normal, too sane, and ill withdraw(timed because of external factors that make sense for a kick) just to be that nutso again. Booze really plays, or maybe preys, upon my underlying psychological issues. And sometimes heroin just doesnt make me crazy enough lol. I kind of liken opiates and cannabis to medication personally. And even with that good of medication, i find it hard to comply with any sort of maintenance for my mind. Were bud and narcotics more readily available im sure id feel differently. And even those can let me seep into insanity. Because im crazy. Lol

Offline Chip

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2016, 06:43:50 PM »
every time that I have even a small alcohol buzz on, I ask myself "why is this shit still legal ?".

it's damned potent but I do not really enjoy the feeling and I remind myself to never get another hangover from it.

I also get too loose on too many benzos ...

alcohol is not really my trip but feel your pain.
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Offline DiacetylKineval (OP)

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2016, 09:11:43 PM »
Yea, lately ive been really paying attention to the effect of each single dose of any drug i use and how my perceptions and emotions have changed. Its difficult because i always have some level of tolerance and am combining it with other drugs, like caffeine and nicotine for example. But i may have the first cig before the coffee one morning, or will have reached an equilibrium by midday where ive taken what i usually take, and then notice differences from that point.

But essentially its like those goofy national treasure secret map glasses with the red yellow and blue lenses that overlap. Except changes in light perception is a bit better way of describing it than actual colors. Im sure you guys know how the room changes after a big boost of speed.

Alcohol though, there is no single lens to even remotely compare it to. It just sends me personally into an alternate dimension. It can really take over the controls. Its almost like a damn psychedellic trip. Some realizations are good, others harsh. But the issue is theres typically negative consequences. I know when ive made desperate decisions during a smack habit, or on a mindbending trip, but booze has really become a roller coaster that always is too intense. The urgency of getting some then mitigating damages now stop altogether gah its been too long oh good im mellow this time oh no im wildly euphoric this time oh god im angry this time but i dont care etc etc

Offline smalls

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2016, 10:24:43 PM »
So far sounds like quite the headache, so I'm curious, can you describe what you like about it?

@chipper I have the same thought when the drink kicks in

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2016, 02:47:38 PM »
I really need to quit drinking, I hate it.  Need it to shut the voices off sometimes, but i end up drinking most days whether I "need to" or not.

Offline DiacetylKineval (OP)

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2016, 02:57:29 PM »
Back before i was of age and just smoked, i really didnt like it. Sometine during probation back in 2011 i couldnt smoke much, i began my opioid use, but then ran out from time to time, and turned 21. So it all fell into place for my body to become used to it, and my mind to crave something to stop the nervousness. I was homeless almost all of 2015, and so booze really became the most useful tool save for those few months i could score junk.

What i do like about it is how happy it can potentially make me feel, but thats a crapshoot. More than anything, i think i just really start to lose it after 3 or 4 days without some sort of CNS depressant. I am one of those that typically react to sedatives by getting extra energy rather than less, although it still calms my anxiety, and channels my mania if im experiencing that.

Offline DiacetylKineval (OP)

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2016, 07:47:02 PM »
Well im not sure what has ocurred, but im finally mentally emotionally and physically ready to put it down. Im also sick in all of the above ways if i take a drink. I guess im becoming repulsed by the fear i have of getting back on the ride.

Ive been having extremely good luck with l-theanine at night  with my melatonin, and kava during the day as kind of a pretend benzo. Only made it 3 days last week but the thing is, everyone at my job enjoys their alcohol, and though some understand better than others, frown upon drugs.

So i think theyve seen enough of the issues ive been having. and though i smoke weed every weekend and took some codeine on and off for awhile, and random uses of meth just because its so damn pervasive and in my face, the only real issues have been a result of alcohol.

Im sure my issue here isnt that theyd think i was a dick if i didnt drink a beer with them, the issue is its an easy out and weekly excuse for me to drink.

My regimen has been working well. im sure i mentioned somewhere im a big coffee drinker and cigarette smoker, so add what im doing to that. And im always attempting to cut down on caffeine. Sometimes i do.

But the thing is, two days off and thinking i feel so much better, well once i ran out of weed and found 3 dollars under the fridge, my mind was already at the gas station with a cold one.

So, instead i wrote this

Offline Chip

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #10 on: August 23, 2016, 01:00:01 PM »
What is it about alcohol that is appealing ? i get virtually nothing except a dizzy sort of muddy feeling.

I assume we all are different so what is the feeling that makes it so alluring ?
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Offline DiacetylKineval (OP)

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #11 on: August 23, 2016, 08:07:15 PM »
Well, the point is moot now really, because even if i liked absolutely nothing about it, im facing withdrawal if i dont use it.

I suppose the simple answer is it brings out a nice fluid mania in me, not a jittery sped up one. I live in fear whether its past mistakes coming back to bite me, or just that anxiety feeling of non specific impending doom, and alcohol gets rid of all that. Plus, its available. Its right there, at the store. Its cheaper than opiates, at least the pills i can get now, because those go like candy. Cheaper than weed even, which i also smoke up quickly. Its just a really available euphoric feeling. I can get things more easily when im drunk, convince people to give me money etc. I succeed in rather deviant tasks that i would never have the courage to do otherwise. However, its usually self-fulfilling, i just use whatever money i make for more booze. And usually i piss someone off.

Honestly i have alot of anger, booze lets me express it. I have very deeply buried happiness, booze lets me feel it. Im very anxious and socially isolated alot, booze destroys that. And when im not drinking, i feel lonely and scared.

But thats all a product of being used to booze. Im sure with time i wouldnt miss it. And im trying as hard as i can to find that out.

Btw, i thank you for your interest. However, for a guy trying to battle with quitting something, its not always the best idea to get him thinking about why he likes it lol

Also, i read somewhere that they cut open a bunch of alcoholic brains and there was some byproduct of morphine use in there, and for whatever reason they were sure the guys had only been drinking. The molecule was abbreviated as THIQ if memory serves
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 08:19:03 PM by DiacetylKineval »

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2016, 08:45:58 AM »
I feel you with the booze.  I when I was a drinker, I was more of a binge drinker.  At the end I curtailed my use to Fridays only to relieve stress from my job.  During the week I would have to run 5 miles a day to keep to stress at bay and every Friday, I would cut loose, and drink a bottle of scotch-whisky

Before I got into a stressful day to day job, I did seasonal work and during to off season i would go on week long benders and I felt it put me into a manic state.  It was kind of like going of a mental vacation or trip, and I would never know were the trip would take me.  Sometimes, as Hunter Thompson would say, it was "bad craziness" but it always made things strange and weird because I didn't know where I be 3 days in, physically and mentally, but I knew things would get weird. 

Benders would always take me somewhere, I ended up if strange and weird situations, I've had great times and bad times, meeting the most interesting cool people and also the most dangerous and crazy people too.  I think that was the whole appeal of going on benders, it was exciting feeling of going into that mental and physical trip into the unknown. 
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Offline DiacetylKineval (OP)

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Re: boozing journal
« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2016, 02:44:13 PM »
I completely agree, the weirdness is almost addictive in and of itself. Plus now that ive been getting all 'spiritual' it seems like doing myself a disservice to just accept normal boring life when apparently we're being lied to by the powers that be and whatnot.

But i think its too easy to say everythings a lie so continue bad habits.

It takes alot more guts to try and improve even if it appears meaningless.

 

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