Author Topic: Ideation  (Read 1770 times)

Offline Griffin (OP)

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Ideation
« on: December 03, 2015, 07:16:00 PM »
Who else has suicidal ideations? I have them quite frequently and the past few weeks its just been getting worse. I have been extremely depressed a lot of this year and usually when it gets cold I start dropping into a deep depression. I have a bunch of shit going on with me right now and feel like a complete fuck up. I have always had suicidal ideations but they usually aren't bad now I can't go a minute without thinking about suicide.

I am not close to being suicidal but if something fucked up happened I don't know if I would be able to say that. I have grown more and more anxious and depressed as these last few weeks have gone by. I only get out of bed to goto the clinic 4 days a week or goto the bathroom. I eat nothing but candy and have zero motivation. I eat a bunch of benedryl when I wake up in hopes that I will go back to sleep. I am hoping that my financial aid appeal gets approved and I can start going to school in a few weeks.

I just know I am not going to make enough money this month sense I am behind to pay my rent or pay to see my family for christmas. I haven't seen them sense last thanksgiving and it blows. I live 700 miles away from all my family and close friends. I have a few friends here that I have worked with but all the people I used to hang out with I stopped when I got on MMT. I am just hoping it gets better soon and that I get into school and start working on bettering my future and I won't have to worry about money or rent if I get a school loan.

I am hoping to get off probation in july I am set to get off january 2017 but they might let me off early sense they can't make anymore money off me by keeping me on probation sense I go through a private company instead of the state so my fines are set. I think that will help but honestly I will probably just go back to dope and catch more charges eventually and get sent off to prison. If I am in this state of mind when I get off there is no way I am going to be able to stay clean.

If everything works out I can get in school and be working and that will help with a lot of this depression in stress. Being able to leave the state will also help with that but I feel like I'm in purgatory. I can't leave, I can't get high, I hate being awake, I think of suicide all day, I gained most of the weight I lost back, I have no self esteem, and I am a constant bitch monster. I get tired of my complaining it is all I hear in my head all day until I can sleep how everything is about to implode and I am going to be homeless again until I get arrested again and I am never going to find a decent job or figure out wtf I am doing here.

I know I need to get out but I don't have any money, and I hate the cold. I need to start working out and get back in shape because I hate being fat and lonely. Does anyone else have that voice in their head that is constantly contemplating suicide. It went away for a year or 2 when I got on opiates, then came back when I tried to get clean and sense I got arrested again it is all hear from myself. It is quite annoying. I am not a schizophrenic it is my conscious and I am not delusional I understand reality I just have to argue with myself that I want to be a part of it.

I don't know what else to do besides wait and hope things change for the better. I have enough trouble getting out of bed that I don't know if I am going to be able to do something if I get denied from school. I kind of just want to give up and go on the run but I fucking hate jail I don't want to goto prison so I am just stuck here until time makes me old. Hopefully I can force myself to get back out there and things will change for the better because right now I am rotting alone and feel like I am in stuck.

Offline alpha

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Re: Ideation
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2015, 08:05:07 PM »
Griffin,

I am so sorry you are going through such hard times. I've read your details of how you got jammed up, and goddamnit that shit just makes my blood boil. I give you huge credit for being as together, lucid and open about your history, given the shit show you've been forced to star in.  I don't have any magic words of wisdom, however I can state with complete confidence that things do change, often not how we plan or expect, but often in line with what we really need. Change is inevitable and constant.  You really need a break, and I feel that Karma owes you one in spades, so try and hang around for it.  Would totally suck to off yourself the day before your ship came in, so to speak.

I hope this doesn't sound like some hippy-dippy self-help bullshit, but I also agree with what I saw on another post, which said something along the lines of "We get what we expect".  Another way I've seen it put, is "If you think you can, or if you think you can't, either way you are right".

I also know what its like to fall into crippling depression, where getting out of bed is a major accomplishment.  The best solution I have found for this is to put together a very basic goals list, and check them off as you complete them.  There is something cathartic about achieving a goal and checking it off, even if the goal is something simple like walk around the block, call someone you haven't talked to in a while, hell, even "put a goal list together" is one you can start with, and check off shortly thereafter.

I wish I could help you out brother, but all I can do is say "been there, done that, got the fucking t-shirt" and hopefully offer some camaraderie and emotional support.

Hang in there (and not from a noose)

Your Pal Alpha
RIP Chemboy, Entropy, Paups, Than, Dr. McKay, GnD, Poonwalla, Southernbelle, goagirl, lalifer, Eon, Count Zero

Offline Griffin (OP)

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Re: Ideation
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2015, 09:39:27 PM »
I appreciate the kind words alpha. You are right when I set goals for myself and have something to work towards and accomplish I do feel a lot better. I am a big believer in what you think and put out there is what happens. You don't necessarily get what you want but you usually get what you need. I do hope some good change comes in soon but I am definitely struggling in the now.

I am so easy to get of course and fall back into my depression, it seems like one thing happens then it all comes down like an avalanche. This year has been a very long and excruciating avalanche. Before I got arrested this year I was on such a roll and everything was going amazing then bam now I in an ongoing 8 month depression. I got a few small wins but the losses definitely outnumbered them 3 to 1 and all my wins were getting back everything I had already fought to accomplish.

I am glad I found a place to live after only 3 weeks when I got out that I could kind of afford it is a room in a basement with 4 other people. The housing market here is crazy and expensive. I don't make enough in one month to pay just the rent on a studio not including utilities or any other expense such as transportation and food yet I can't leave this state. It would be awesome to have my own place again. My landlord comes here every day and snoops and I can't have my dog here it is annoying and driving me crazy. it is better than jail or the streets but I hate it here.

I found a minimum wage job where I make exactly half of what I was making at a job I loved. My rent is $100 more than my last place which I couldn't go back to because when I got arrested I wasn't able to give them notice. I got my car back but I can barely afford it and I am so far in the hole that I am struggling to keep my head above water. So every good thing that has happened is something that I already had and was fucked out of by the police.

I lost my job for 3 weeks because I couldn't afford to goto the doctor and get a note, they ended up letting me back and I start again this week. Hopefully getting back to work well help me with this depression it will force me out of the house. I hate the job with a passion and am afraid that I am going to be to depressed or have a panic attack and not go one day and be fired permanently. After getting denied from walmart and a bunch of other places I don't think I have very many options if that happens. 

I want to give up, I am worn out and feel like throwing in the towel. I know I am the only one who can make this better but I have no will to do so. I sometimes wish I could find someone who could take care of me again so I could do absolutely nothing. but I have been on the road and it doesn't help it probably makes it worse.  If I don't have a strong reason to get out of my hole I won't do it as I proved in my last relationship. The girl paid for everything and didn't want me to work so I didn't and just laid and rotted for a few years doing absolutely nothing on the premise of figuring out my depression and anxiety.

I don't understand why doing absolutely nothing is so enticing and almost mandatory but at the same time fueling my depression which has taken my motivation to do anything away. I am in a deep funk and my will to succeed has been lost maybe one day I will get it back and be where I was last september.

I guess my only option is to make a list and force myself to do it. I wish I had someone this loneliness is miserable and actually starting to get to me. 2 years ago I wanted nothing more than to be left alone and now I want the opposite. Someone to strive for and prove myself to, to give me hope, desire, and motivation to get through this. Maybe one day I will have everything I want so I can wish I had what I have now.

Offline Snout

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Re: Ideation
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2015, 10:26:56 PM »
I like reading your posts. Don't off yourself , all this shit storm stuff will pass. You will come out stronger and join what my friend and I call "the last laugh club". Stick around
I myself have found a real rival in myself,
I am hoping for a re-arrival of my health- wilco

Offline St. Theresa

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Re: Ideation
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2015, 12:31:42 AM »
Hey man, we are here for you. I know it's hard when shit gets tight, plus not being around family...just know that you're loved by them and you are a unique and beautiful soul that can do anything. I know it sounds hokey but hang In there and never stop chasing your silly dreams!!! ;)
I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs."
"I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking."
"Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!"
"Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control."-BH

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